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Passions (1999)

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Passions

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  • Julian: You are no son of Mine!
  • Fox: Well, given this family's history, I wouldn't be surprised if you're right.
  • Jessica Bennett: You can't give up on Charity, Miguel. Would Leonardo give up on Kate? Would Ross give up on Rachel? Would Bo give up on Hope?
  • Theresa Lopez-Fitzgerald: You bitch! I should pull your blonde hair out by its black roots and choke you with it!
  • Sam Bennett: Is Ethan really my son? I'm not going to rest until I know for sure. Maybe there's a clue on the Internet.
  • [Timmy the doll speaks to a sleeping Charity]
  • Timmy: Timmy would lay down his life for you... if Timmy had a life to lay down.
  • Timmy: It wasn't always sunshine and lollipops, Tabitha - but for a crazy old lady, you were okay.
  • Ethan: Studies I've seen say the number one reason marriages are successful is because the two people involved have a lot in common. You have a lot. Luis is common.
  • [after walking in on Luis's naked]
  • Sheridan Crane: I just ran into him in the locker room... he had just gotten out of the shower.
  • Hank Bennett: Ohh...
  • Sheridan Crane: It was an accident... I was just looking for some sugar.
  • Hank Bennett: Did you get it?
  • Sheridan Crane: Colored Sprinkles Rule!
  • Theresa Lopez-Fitzgerald: Isn't that right Gwen? You're nothing but a pathetic, vindictive, BITCH!
  • Kay: [having second thoughts about being good] Miguel is going to be mine no matter what I have to do! Charity, be damned! As God as my witness, I'll never be good again!
  • Sam Bennett: Now I've heard enough of you ladies yelling at each other.
  • Rebecca: Theresa is no lady, she's a tramp.
  • Ivy Winthrop Crane: You were always so good in the kitchen. I wish I'd taken "Home Ec" in school.
  • Grace Bennett: Oh well you were probably too busy cramming for "How to Be a Bitch 101."
  • Ivy Winthrop Crane: You know Grace, you're usually so passive I'd forgotten that you had any wit.
  • Grace Bennett: I wouldn't worry about it. Because I hear that memory loss is common in menopausal women.
  • Luis Lopez-Fitzgerald: You're not moving.
  • Sheridan Crane: My feet won't let me.
  • Luis Lopez-Fitzgerald: Aww... I love those feet.
  • Sheridan Crane: Beth is our half-sister.
  • Julian Crane: Come again?
  • Luis Lopez-Fitzgerald: Beth is Alistair's daughter.
  • Julian Crane: You mean Alistair and Edna Wallace...?
  • Eve Russell: Oh, my God.
  • Julian Crane: That smelly old crone?
  • Sam Bennett: Happened a long time ago. You know, evidently, Edna was quite a dish in the day.
  • Julian Crane: Well, she's past her expiration date now.
  • [Norma is dressed up as Santa Clause]
  • Norma: Ho, ho, ho!
  • Tabitha Lenox: You must've mistaken me for Jessica Bennett.
  • Theresa Lopez-Fitzgerald: I've lost the only man worth dieting for!
  • Pilar Lopez-Fitzgerald: ...And you, Martin, you better start honoring your commitment to me and to our family and to our children, or I swear, I will chop off what you can't seem to control!
  • Martin Fitzgerald: I've never heard you talk this way.
  • Pilar Lopez-Fitzgerald: [scoffs] Because I'm not the little - desperate housewife that you abandoned any more. I've learned to stand up for myself. I'm not going to settle with you in my bed while your heart lays with Katherine. Get over her! Get over her once and for all. And never take her side over mine again.
  • Julian Crane: I'm in no mood to play "Let's Provoke Julian" today.
  • Ivy Winthrop Crane: Pity. It's my favorite game!
  • [Hank is shocked that Luis is saying nice things about Sheridan]
  • Hank Bennett: Are you sure there wasn't a pod next to your bed this morning?
  • Miguel Lopez-Fitzgerald: [Miguel is sick and tired of Charity seeing her doomed fortune in tea leaves] Why don't you switch to tea bags from now on?
  • Luis Lopez-Fitzgerald: Why do you have to be such a smart-ass?
  • Sheridan Crane: When I'm around you, SOMEONE has to be smart.
  • Tabitha Lenox: Oh, the old spells were the good spells, Tim-Tim. The language is really quite beautiful: "May Beelzebub's drool seal your eyelids shut." Ha! They don't write them like that any more, Timmy!
  • [to Timmy]
  • Hecuba: Do you remind yourself of anyone? I'll give you a hint. He was made of wood by a weirdo named Geppetto.
  • Tabitha Lenox: Lucy Ricardo caused less havoc when she was smuggling cheese back from Europe!
  • Tabitha Lenox: Blast that interfering next door neighbor of mine, Grace Bennett!
  • Tabitha Lenox: I've had enough of the Don King routine, Timmy. Do something with your hair.
  • Julian Crane: Oh my God! I think it's the remains of Grace's tomato soup cake!
  • Ivy Winthrop Crane: Well, we all remember where the bloody corpse dream got the family the last time.
  • Tabitha Lenox: So, you told Julian that I'm a witch.
  • Timmy: Timmy didn't mean to say anything bad.
  • Tabitha Lenox: It looks like that grease fellow!
  • Timmy: You mean Reese.
  • Ivy Winthrop Crane: You know, there is an old Chinese proverb that says, 'Man who talks with fake Chinese accent, man with something to hide.'
  • Julian Crane: There's another Chinese proverb that says 'Wife like you can go to HELL.'
  • Theresa Lopez-Fitzgerald: What do you think? If you allow yourself to have feelings for some guy, your arm will just fall off and you'll never play tennis again?
  • Julian Crane: Theresa looked delectable today!
  • Ethan: Really? I didn't notice.
  • Julian Crane: You should check into that new laser eye surgery.
  • Rebecca: Is that a threat, Peee-lar?
  • Pilar Lopez-Fitzgerald: No. I don't make threats. I make promises.
  • Luis Lopez-Fitzgerald: We're investigating the murder of Julian Crane.
  • Theresa Lopez-Fitzgerald: I can tell you who did it. Rebecca or Ivy or both. I know! Rebecca pushed the wheelchair and Ivy pulled the trigger!
  • Charity Standish: Zombie slut!
  • Beth Wallace: What about my happiness, mother?
  • Ms. Wallace: Bad girls don't deserve to be happy!
  • Rebecca: I was under the impression that you didn't like your mommy very much.
  • Fox: Maybe so, but I don't want her to frozen stiff like Jack Nicholson in "The Shining".
  • Rebecca: It's just a very good thing I am not really the landlady, or else you'd be out on the street for "falling down" on the job.
  • Julian: This is all Theresa's fault!
  • Rebecca: Why? What did she do? Hide your Viagra?
  • Beth Wallace: Okay, okay, okay... I'm calm. And I am calmly asking you. How are we supposed to get Sheridan off the grounds without being seen?
  • Charlie: Very carefully.
  • Beth Wallace: Of course. Very carefully. Why didn't I think of that? Very carefully!
  • Beth Wallace: I told you, I can handle Charlie.
  • Mrs. Wallace: Oh yeah, look at what she did to your wedding dress. the dress is destroyed.
  • Beth Wallace: Oh no.
  • Mrs. Wallace: And when she finds out that your plan is with you ending up with Luis. This dress, gonna be you.
  • Mrs. Wallace: When Charlie finds out, that you used her to get Luis. You won't be in any condition, to walk down any aisle Missy!
  • [Beth is talking to Precious]
  • Beth Wallace: You stop Luis from looking around, or no more "Animal Planet!"
  • Beth Wallace: Finally, finally, finally! I got what I wanted. Sheridan will be strapped to that veggie-boy husband and oh - oh Luis-sweet, kind, sex-on-a-stick Luis is all mine!
  • [on Ethan]
  • Julian: Please Chet, talk some sense into him.
  • Chad: The name is Chad.
  • Luis Lopez-Fitzgerald: Used to getting your way, are you?
  • Pheobe: Haven't been turn down yet.
  • Luis Lopez-Fitzgerald: Well, there's a first time for everything.
  • Mayor: What kind of town, did I get elected to? Houses being sucked into hell, demons attacking, two brothers in love with the same woman.
  • Timmy: So Charity's like Princess Leia and Luke Skywalker combined?

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