Epitaph

Martha Fulton (Delores Nascar) and her family have just moved into their new home. It's the latest in a string of homes. In addition to a drinking problem, Martha also happens to be a homicidal maniac. Thus, the family keeps moving to stay ahead of the law.

Unfortunately, for everyone involved, Martha's inability to leave people alive, only gets worse.

EPITAPH is one of those direct-to-video schlock-taculars from the 1980's. Watching it instantly transports us back to those hazy days of VHS tapes, moldering in mom 'n' pop video emporiums.

Sadly, after a semi-interesting beginning, this movie falls into a terminal, downward trajectory. The best / worst example of this is the "psychiatrist torture" scene. Who would believe that death by rat and blowtorch could be as boring as watching one's granny doing crossword puzzles?

Though it tries to pull out of its nosedive toward the end, not even the "electric carving knife" sequence can salvage this fuster-cluck! Lovers of ultra-sludge cinema may rejoice, while others will probably pray for death...

It'd be easy to call Epitaph cheap or dumb or a waste of time, but this movie has a story to tell and it's proud and eager to tell it.

There's clearly not a lot of money the filmmakers were working with here. It's shot on video, it has 3 locations, and the actors all seem plucked out of community theatre obscurity, but the script itself isn't as bad as one might think and has a good time playing with audience expectations.

A family moves to a new town and the matriarch begins committing murders. Instead of shock, most family members react with a "not again" which means that I guess ol' mom has been killing people everywhere she goes. The only one who seems truly bothered by this is the teenage daughter, because how embarrassing is it to not only be the new girl in school, but to have a homicidal mother as well.

As the story progresses, Mom takes care of anyone who gets in her way to starts to suspect her nefarious plans. She'll use anything from an electric kitchen knife to a shotgun to a rat placed in a can and attached to a victim's stomach as she blowtorches it, making the rat eat through the victim's stomach. Yep. That one is a highlight.

Despite budget limitations, Epitaph isn't bad at all and I can promise you that if this script had been bought by a big studio and given to someone like Jessica Lange or Meryl Streep to play, people would love it. Look past the low budget and you'll find a pretty good movie.

MOMMY'S EPITAPH is a bizarre little indie horror flick from 1987, shot on video with the kind of amateur acting that you usually find on Youtube and nowhere else these days. The biggest surprise about it is that it was directed by Joseph Merhi, who later had a career of sorts as an action movie director. In a plot reminiscent of the John Waters classic SERIAL MOM, this one involves an ordinary suburban family hiding a dark secret: the mother is a serial killer who'll do her best to bump off anybody unlucky enough to cross her path. Sadly, it's rubbish throughout, with histrionic acting and barely any gore.

I've seen many, many horror movies, but this one beats it all and I don't mean in a good way. First of all the film was obviously very very cheap. The camera work is the worst I've ever seen. The story is so stupid and implausible, that you got the feeling they wrote the script it in one hour. The actors are all so bad, it's beyond belief. But the worst of it is, that there is no humor at all. There are just some mediocre tasteless gore effects for splatter fans. On the video cover is written, that this film is a psychological Thriller - far from it ! It's nothing but a bad, dumb little movie,that has no, really no qualities. 1 out of 10.

(*1/2 out of *****)

It seems the Fulton family has to keep moving from one town to another, because the mother is a homicidal maniac who murders any man who doesn't submit to her drunken seductions. And Mr. Fulton, like any good, caring husband, never thinks twice about burying her victims in the backyard, packing up the family car, and setting off for a brand-new destination. This is an extraordinary movie, and when I say extraordinary, I mean it's extraordinarily moronic. If it had been presented as a dark comedy (in the vein of, say, John Waters's "Serial Mom"), then they might have had something to work with, but, unfortunately, the cast plays it dead-serious. Thus, it is extremely difficult to believe that Mr. Fulton, his traumatized teen-age daughter, and his scared old mother would put up with this madwoman's homicidal tendencies. We're supposed to accept that they would rather keep covering up her murders and moving from place to place than see her `locked up.' Mrs. Fulton offers no redeemable qualities whatsoever to warrant such absurd protection -- she constantly browbeats her daughter about her clothes and boys, she threatens her pathetic mother-in-law around the clock, and she's not exactly a hell-cat in the bedroom with Mr. Fulton (maybe if she looked like Michelle Pfeiffer, I could buy it -- but Michelle Pfeiffer she ain't.) Flint Keller, as the daughter's unlikely boyfriend, Wayne, does the most passable acting job out of this ugly group, and whoever plays Warren (who only has about a 20-second scene) sports the most amazing pompadour-mullet I've ever seen (it is almost -- I repeat, almost -- worth the rental).

Lowlight: In the ghastliest scene (and one of the more gruesome scenes I've ever witnessed in one of these kinds of movies), the crazy mother hangs a bucket with a hungry rat inside it over a woman's torso and heats up the bottom with a blowtorch until the rat has to eat its way through the woman's stomach to get out. I guess that should score points for creativity (especially in cheap and otherwise unimaginative crud like this), but it didn't exactly make the movie any more endearing. Go figure.