- [the crew are guests on the Tonight show]
- Jay Leno: Now you all have military backgrounds... North or South?
- Frank Corvin: Well, what do you say, Reverend? You think a prayer's in order?
- Tank Sullivan: I was just reciting the Shepard's Prayer. Alan Shepard's prayer. Oh Lord, please don't let us screw up. Amen.
- Frank Corvin: You know what the worst day of my life was? The day Neil Armstrong set foot on the moon. I was probably the only person in America who wanted to commit suicide that day.
- Col. William 'Hawk' Hawkins: Well, thanks a lot Frank. We haven't spoken in twelve years and that's basically been the big question on my mind, what could make you commit suicide.
- Frank Corvin: This is Jerry O'Neill.
- Sara Holland: No nickname for you?
- Jerry O'Neill: You can call me
- [kisses her hand]
- Jerry O'Neill: anytime.
- Col. William 'Hawk' Hawkins: [Frank and Hawk are inside the centrifuge/spinning machine, which is about to be started] The first one to pass out buys the beers tonight...
- Frank Corvin: [machine start spinning] You're on...
- Col. William 'Hawk' Hawkins: [machine speed increases and it's moving really fast] This thing's moving?...
- Frank Corvin: I don't know... Doesn't seems to be moving to me...
- Col. William 'Hawk' Hawkins: [machine speed continues to increase] Say, fellas, is y'all's equipment broke down? Fellas?
- [everybody's watching the show]
- Col. William 'Hawk' Hawkins: You're a pushover, Frank!
- Col. William 'Hawk' Hawkins: [machine is now spinning at top speed] I do believe it's moving now...
- Tank Sullivan: That sure will take the wrinkles out.
- Eugene 'Gene' Davis: [walking into the control room] WHAT the hell is going on here?
- [crowd disappears]
- Eugene 'Gene' Davis: [really pissed, hits the emergency stop on the centrifuge] I'm sure you think you're putting on a great show, but this is not a toy! Now which one of you assholes wants to explain this?
- Frank Corvin: Gene?
- Eugene 'Gene' Davis: What?
- Frank Corvin: Which one of us passed out first?
- Eugene 'Gene' Davis: I'm getting too old for this shit...
- Col. William 'Hawk' Hawkins: What is a pancreas, anyhow? I mean, I don't know what the damn thing does for you, besides give you cancer.
- Tiny, Bar Bouncer: I'll put you in the hospital, old man.
- Frank Corvin: Yeah? Well, I've got Medicare. Go ahead and shoot your best shot!
- [Frank and Hawk are asking a waitress who she would prefer to 'take home']
- Col. William 'Hawk' Hawkins: Would you prefer this man, with his asymmetrical sagging ass-cheeks, his love-handles the size of Nebraska, and his oh-so-ugly in-grown toenail...?
- Frank Corvin: [interrupting] Or this son of a bitch with the chicken-gizzard neck and the face that looks like thirty miles of Death Valley fire trail?
- Jerry O'Neill: It's got nothing to do with me. It all depends on the woman and how willing she is to discover her infinite supply of orgasms.
- [Last Lines]
- [Frank and Barbara Corvin are standing by their home and staring at the Moon]
- Barbara Corvin: Do you think he
- [Hawkins]
- Barbara Corvin: made it?
- Frank Corvin: Yeah, I think he made it.
- Eugene 'Gene' Davis: Morning, Hawk.
- Col. William 'Hawk' Hawkins: Good morning.
- Eugene 'Gene' Davis: What happened to your eye?
- Col. William 'Hawk' Hawkins: l fell in the shower. Tell maintenance to put some no-slip adhesives on that slippery floor.
- Eugene 'Gene' Davis: How's it going, Frank?
- Frank Corvin: Fine, fine.
- Eugene 'Gene' Davis: Whats with the eye? Slip in the shower?
- Frank Corvin: How would you know that?
- Eugene 'Gene' Davis: l think I'll have a chat with the janitor.
- Col. William 'Hawk' Hawkins: What are you doing here?
- Frank Corvin: Keeping a promise I made years ago.
- Col. William 'Hawk' Hawkins: Was that the promise you made to kill me or the promise you made to have both my legs broke?
- Frank Corvin: [after Hawk crashes the shuttle during a simulation] Hawk, this isn't a stripped-down showplane. You've got to do it their way.
- Col. William 'Hawk' Hawkins: I don't need a damn computer to tell me how to land an aircraft.
- Roger Hines: It's not an aircraft, Colonel. It's a flying brick, and you've GOT to use the computer's protocols.
- Col. William 'Hawk' Hawkins: What if the on-board computer fails?
- Ethan Glance: It never has.
- Col. William 'Hawk' Hawkins: [to the simulator supervisor] Houston, Horizon.
- Mission Control Tech: Go ahead.
- Col. William 'Hawk' Hawkins: Request second landing please.
- [pause]
- Col. William 'Hawk' Hawkins: Houston - Horizon, request on board computer FAILURE on second landing.
- Eugene 'Gene' Davis: Run it again. Sock it to 'em.
- Barbara Corvin: Would you like me to read the instructions to you again?
- Frank Corvin: Let me tell you something, my dear. Those instructions were written by a fellow in Japan when they made this damn thing. They were probably translated by some gringo who was an expatriate American that couldn't get a job in this country. And then the Japanese guy probably translated him just to double check on him. You don't need these instructions. Not at all. Tear them up.
- [the younger astronauts have given Team Daedalus some Ensure as a gag]
- Jerry O'Neill: I'd drink this. It's good for your libido.
- [challenging Frank to fight]
- Col. William 'Hawk' Hawkins: Okay, bad guy, we're taking this outside! I want to whip your asymmetrical sagging ass! Get out there in that parking lot!
- [Frank and Hawk step outside]
- Jerry O'Neill: Here we go again...
- Tank Sullivan: I've got ten on Frank!
- Frank Corvin: You sent us up to this bastard, have us put it back into orbit, fully armed, just to save your own ass?
- Young Pilot #1: Hey, Hawk. This guys wants a scary ride.
- Jason: It's my birthday!
- Col. William 'Hawk' Hawkins: [pause] Happy birthday.
- Sara Holland: I have never met a kid who didn't dream of being an astronaut when he grew up.
- Col. William 'Hawk' Hawkins: Did you ever meet a kid who didn't grow up?
- Frank Corvin: [after hes told Tank and Jerry to bail out] I thought i told you to bail out!
- Tank Sullivan: We're staying! If you don't mind!
- Jerry O'Neill: [Watching Frank and Hawk in the centrifuge machine] Makes them look younger, doesn't it...
- Ethan Glance: I'm your backup, okay? I'm on a need to know basis!
- Frank Corvin: You don't need to know dick, and I don't need a backup.