- Cheshire Cat: How do you like the game?
- Alice: They don't play very fair.
- Cheshire Cat: But nobody does if they think they can get away with it. That's a lesson you'll have to learn.
- Alice: You don't seem to have much riding practice.
- White Knight: What makes you say that?
- Alice: You keep falling off your horse.
- White Knight: I've had plenty of practice at that, plenty of practice.
- Mad Hatter: I didn't know that. Personal remarks are rude?
- Alice: Mm-hmm.
- Mad Hatter: Egad, you learn something new every day. Make a note of that, Marchy. It might come in useful.
- Alice: What are they doing? They can't have anything to write. The trial hasn't even begun yet.
- Duchess: They're writing down their own names in case they forget them by the time the trial is over.
- Alice: Stupid things.
- Jury Member 1: Stupid. How do you spell "stupid"?
- Jury Member 2: S-T-- what comes after T?
- Jury Member 3: Dinner.
- Jury Member 4: Is it dinnertime? It's dinnertime.
- Queen of Hearts: Do you play croquet?
- Alice: Who, me?
- Queen of Hearts: Yes, you. I'm not in the habit of talking to myself, though it's the only way I can get an intelligent conversation round here. Can you play croquet?
- Alice: Yes.
- Queen of Hearts: Come on then.
- Alice: But I don't want to meet mad people.
- Cheshire Cat: Oh, but you can't help it. Everyone here is mad. I'm mad. You're mad. It's only by chance and careful planning if you're not.
- Alice: How do you know I'm mad?
- Cheshire Cat: [disappearing] Because you're here. And everyone here is mad.
- Cheshire Cat: I went to a hunt ball once. I didn't like it-- Terrible people. They all started hunting me.
- Alice: Hmm. Life must be hard for you.
- Cheshire Cat: But I grin and bear it.
- [Alice arrives at the Mad Tea Party]
- Alice: I'm lost. Could I get some -- ?
- The March Hare: No room.
- Mad Hatter: There's no room.
- Alice: [indignant] There's plenty of room.
- The March Hare: Why didn't you report this sooner, Hatty?
- Mad Hatter: I overslept.
- The March Hare: [in an encouraging tone] Have some wine.
- Alice: [looking down the table] I don't see any wine.
- The March Hare: There isn't any. And you're too young.
- Alice: Then it wasn't very nice of you to offer it.
- The March Hare: It wasn't very nice of you to sit down without an invitation. This is a private soirée.
- Alice: Well, I suppose I shouldn't have just barged in. I know I wasn't invited. But the table was laid out for a lot of people.
- Mad Hatter: My response to that is both profound and meaningful. Get your hair cut.
- Mad Hatter: Now I have one for you.
- The March Hare: Ooh.
- Mad Hatter: Why is a raven like a writing desk?
- The March Hare: Why is a raven--?
- Mad Hatter: I'm not talking to you.
- The March Hare: Why not? Aren't I good enough?
- Mad Hatter: You've heard it before.
- The March Hare: But you were looking at me when you said "Why is a raven?"
- Mad Hatter: [angry] I'm asking Alice!
- [Tweedledum and Tweedledee offer to tell Alice a story]
- Alice: I'm sorry. I haven't the time.
- Tweedledee: Neither do we. We never carry a watch.
- Mad Hatter: [singing] Auntie's wooden leg...
- The March Hare: I say, I say, I say.
- Mad Hatter: How dare you interrupt my song with "I say, I say, I say"?
- The March Hare: I say, I say, I say, in this world it's not what you know, but who you know.
- Mad Hatter: I don't know either one of them.
- Mad Hatter: [singing] Twinkle, twinkle, little bat, / How I wonder what you're at / Up above the world so high / Like a tea tray in the sky...
- [trying to stuff the Dormouse into a teapot]
- Mad Hatter: I told you he wouldn't fit.
- The March Hare: Oh, he'll fit. We have to try harder.
- [Alice bangs on the door to the Duchess's palace]
- Fishface Footman: It's no good you knocking like that.
- Alice: Why not?
- Fishface Footman: Two good reasons: One, because I'm on the same side of the door as you.
- Alice: Oh, yes.
- Fishface Footman: Two, they're making so much noise inside, no one can hear you.
- Alice: [thinking about the riddle] Um, Why is a raven like a writing desk? You know, I'm pretty sure I can guess.
- The March Hare: You mean you think you know the answer?
- Alice: Yes.
- The March Hare: Then you should say what you mean.
- Alice: Well, I do. At-at least-- at least I mean what I say. That-that is the same thing.
- Mad Hatter: It's not the same thing at all. You might as well say "I see what I eat" is the same thing as "I eat what I see."
- [a pie sprouts crab legs and crawls across the table]
- The March Hare: [eyeing the pie, picking up a fly swatter] You might as well say "I like what I get" as "I get what I like."
- [whacks the pie]
- The Dormouse: [talking in his sleep, then suddenly awake] Or you might as well say "I breathe when I sleep" is the same thing as "I sleep when I breathe."
- [nods off]
- Mad Hatter: Well, it is the same thing with you.
- [chuckles]
- The Gryphon: Hello. Who are you?
- Alice: Alice.
- The Gryphon: Alice? That sounds familiar.
- Alice: And who are you?
- The Gryphon: A Griffin-- part eagle, part lion - the best of each, I always say.
- Alice: I thought you were a mythical creature.
- The Gryphon: I am. That makes me even more fascinating.
- Mad Hatter: [looking at his watch] What day of the month is it?
- Alice: The fourth.
- Mad Hatter: Aha! Two days wrong.
- [glares at the March Hare]
- Mad Hatter: I told you not to use butter.
- The March Hare: It was the best butter.
- The Dormouse: Danish.
- Mad Hatter: Some crumbs must have got into it as well. I said, "don't put butter in the works with a bread knife."
- The March Hare: I couldn't put it in with a fork, could I? Here, let me see.
- Mad Hatter: I don't want to give it to you, but I will.
- [the Hare takes the watch and examines it; first by banging it on the table, and then by dipping it into his teacup]
- The March Hare: I don't understand it. It was the best butter.
- The Dormouse: Danish.
- The March Hare: [He tosses the watch over to Alice, who picks it up and studies it] Here.
- Alice: That's a funny watch. It tells the day of the month but not the time.
- Mad Hatter: Why should it? Does your watch tell you what year it is?
- Alice: No, because it stays a year for so long.
- Mad Hatter: Well, then I rest my case.
- The March Hare: Where?
- Mad Hatter: [points to a pile of suitcases] There.
- [breaks into laughter]
- The March Hare: I know when I'm beaten.
- [the Mock Turtle begins his tale]
- Mock Turtle: Once...
- [starts moaning and wringing his hands]
- Mock Turtle: I was once a real turtle. I was a real--
- [breaks down completely]
- Alice: [rises to leave] Thank you for that very interesting story, sir.
- Mock Turtle: I haven't started yet.
- The Gryphon: [half-pleading] Stay. You may learn something.
- Alice: I'm not staying here listening for you to be rude.
- The March Hare: You'll find better places for that, I'm sure.
- Alice: If you drink too much from a bottle marked "poison," it's almost certain to disagree with you sooner or later. This bottle is not marked "poison."
- Tweedledee: I was an advisor to the British army.
- Tweedledum: I advised them not to take him, but they wouldn't listen.
- Duchess: [nervously] Fine day, Your Majesty.
- Queen of Hearts: I gave you fair warning. Either you or your head must be off!
- [Faced with such a proposal, the Duchess flys off backwards]
- Mock Turtle: When Gryph and I were little we went to school in the same sea. And the master was an old turtle. We used to call him "tortoise."
- Alice: Why would you call him tortoise if he wasn't one?
- Mock Turtle: We called him "tortoise" because he "taught us."
- The Gryphon: You ought to be ashamed of yourself, asking a simple question like that.
- White Knight: I see you're admiring my box. It's my own invention to keep sandwiches in. You see, I carry it upside-down so they don't get wet when it rains.
- Alice: But they can drop out. The lid is open.
- White Knight: So that''s what happened to my sandwiches.
- Alice: Oh, Tiger Lily, I wish you could talk so you could tell me how to get out of this wood.
- Tiger Lily: I can talk when there's anybody worth talking to.
- Alice: You have to tread with care when dealing with cats. They have influence and are seen in all the smart places.
- The White Rabbit: Your worship must cross-examine the witness!
- King of Hearts: [sigh] Oh, must I?
- Queen of Hearts: Be a man, Cedric.
- Jury members: Be a man.
- King of Hearts: [sigh] Oh, all right.
- Mad Hatter: Time marches on its stomach.
- [laughs]
- Alice: It's an army that marches on its stomach.
- The March Hare: Odd sort of army, marching on its stomach. I don't like the idea. Yuck.
- The March Hare: Waiter, waiter, there's a hair in my soup.
- Mad Hatter: Is it blonde? We're missing a waitress.
- Alice: How can you keep talking when you're like this?
- White Knight: Like what?
- Alice: Head-downwards and body in the air.
- White Knight: What does it matter where my body happens to be? My mind goes on working just the same.
- [some talking daisies insult Alice and laugh]
- Alice: If you're not polite, I'll make you into a chain.
- [the daisies stop laughing]
- King of Hearts: Ah, my dear, how do we get rid of a floating cat?
- Queen of Hearts: Off with its head.
- King of Hearts: Brilliant.
- Alice: When I used to read about fairy tales, I never thought I would end up in the middle of one. There ought to be a book written about me. Maybe when I grow up I'll write one.
- [the Cheshire Cat grins at the King of Hearts, vexing him]
- Alice: A cat may look at a king.
- King of Hearts: What does that mean?
- Alice: I read it in a book somewhere.
- King of Hearts: I haven't, but it sounds immoral. It has undertones. That book should be banned.
- [about the Mock Turtle]
- The Gryphon: He's my best friend. A splendid fellow. True and blue through and through.
- The Gryphon: Mockers, tell this young lady about yourself.
- Mock Turtle: She's come to the right person for that. Sit down, both of you.
- The Gryphon: No, thanks. I've heard it before.
- Mock Turtle: Sit down. It's the least you can do.
- White Knight: I hope you've got your hair fastened on tight.
- Alice: Only in the usual way.
- White Knight: Well, that's not good enough. The wind around here is as strong as soup around here.
- The White Rabbit: Oh my furry ears and whiskers, look how late it's getting.
- [rushes off]
- The White Rabbit: Oh. Oh. Oh. Late late late.
- Alice: [voiceover, as she watches the White Rabbit rush off, then slowly follows him] Perhaps I fell right through the earth and come out the other side. Yet, I'll have to ask somebody the name of the country-- "Please, ma'am, is this New Zealand or Australia?"
- Alice: [falling down the rabbit hole] I wonder what latitude, longitude I've gotten to. I've no idea what latitude and longitude are, but they're grand words-- Longitude and latitude.