La bestia nello spazio

This cheesy slice of Italian B-movie schlock has all the production value and style of a trashy 80s sci-fi series rapidly approaching cancellation (think Buck Rogers in the 25th Century at the end of its second season), with cheap and nasty costumes, crappy set design, terrible special effects, two-dimensional comic-book heroes, dastardly villains and attractive women in sexy but impractical outfits. But where the titillation in a programme like Buck Rogers always ended with just a tantalising glimpse of cleavage or thigh, Beast in Space goes much further, punctuating its silly space fantasy action with bouts of porn, starting off soft-core, but eventually progressing to the harder stuff.

The risible plot sees Vassili Karis as starship captain Larry Madison, who leads a mission to the remote planet Lorigon where there reputedly exists a sizable deposit of the rare element Antalium. Once on the planet, Madison and his crew (three of whom are sexy blonde women) explore a castle where they are welcomed by the planet's ruler Onaph (Claudio Undari), who takes a keen interest in the female crew-members, particularly the insatiable Lt. Sondra Richardson (Sirpa Lane).

In the relaxing atmosphere of Onaph's castle, the crew begin to enjoy themselves, perhaps a little too much: after witnessing two horses mating in a stable, they begin to get fruity with each other and give in to their desires, participating in an orgiastic display of wanton carnal lust (phew!). Even Onaph joins in on the fun, revealing himself to be a well-endowed faun like creature and pursuing Sondra through the woods with the intent of getting busy. It's not long before the woods are alive with the sound of humping.

However, all is not as it seems: In reality, Onaph is the physical manifestation of a powerful supercomputer named Zocor, which protects its Antalium supply by controlling the minds of anyone who should visit the planet. Luckily, roguish merchant Juan Cardoso (Venantino Venantini), who is also after the valuable mineral, is immune to Zocor's mind control thanks to special tablets that cancel out the computer's hypnotic effect; after dosing up Madison and his crew (who actually seem grateful to be released from their endless ecstasy), Juan joins forces with them to destroy Zocor and steal its Antalium.

As a big fan of both garish disco-era sci-fi and exploitative Italian trash cinema, I found Beast in Space a rather enjoyable way to pass the time, the nutzoid script, naff set design, dreadful acting, gratuitous nookie, and blatant steals from Star Wars (check out the dreadful laser swords wielded by Zocor's golden robot guards) being just the sort of nonsense I look for in my Z-grade entertainment. Obviously, this kind of thing doesn't qualify for a ridiculously high rating, but I certainly had enough fun for it to warrant a 6/10.

Alfonso Breschia goes back to his garden shed, break out the old costumes, blonde wigs, a crappy robots to give us his fourth sci-fi epic, only this time he's trying to keep you awake by loading the thing full of sex. And it's still rubbish.

It's true what they say - in space, no one can hear you knock one out. In a galaxy no one cares about, a space captain in a bar hits up on Sirpa Lane. She's all up for it, but first he has to fend off plucky space pirate Venatino Venantini. The captain (or whatever he is) also discovers that Venantini knows a planet where there's this rare element that people will pay a fortune for. That's the plot!

The captain and Sirpa get it on and Sirpa has a strange dream that she's being chased through a forest by a crappy robot. Eventually a crew gets together and they all head off for this planet in the usual terrible, poundland version of special effects. What you'll also notice is that although Breschia has upped the boob quotient, he's totally forgotten to include any action! Nice move, Breschia!

This lot eventually do get to this planet, and of course they find it deserted (although we the audience are horrified to find that those bloody Brian Jones-like androids are lurking about in the background, ready to bore us to death). Sirpa (who is carrying a metal detector!) goes all dizzy and heads off on her own. I'm blanking on what happens next even though I watched this last night.

Basically there's a hirsute fellow in charge of the planet and says there's this giant robot that used to be in charge who kept this rare element to himself, but why go on about the plot. There's a protracted sex scene where everyone (except Venantini) gets it on and I was rather startled to find that the Russian dubbed version I was watching on Youtube (due to the English subtitled one on there being censored) had hardcore inserts in it. I did get a laugh from how ridiculous the hairy guy looked when it was revealed he was a goat-legged fellow with a foot long slag hammer. I'm not sure why Sirpa was dreaming about it though.

Due to all this crap being interspersed with what looked like footage from War of the Robots and Cosmo: War of the Planets, a whole lot of nothing going on throughout and endless shots of people wriggling against each other, this is even worse than Breschia's other sci-fi films. No wonder there are so many second hand copies of it on sale throughout Glasgow. I wonder what possessed Shameless Screen Entertainment to release this crap.

A starship captain is sent on a mission to a distant planet to find a rare element called Antalium. He is accompanied by a team that includes a disproportionately high number of sexy women. When there they encounter Onaph, the planet's overlord, and his servants, all of whom resemble Brian Jones from the Rolling Stones. It seems that the planets true ruler though is a giant ancient computer.

But mostly it's about people having sex.

The Beast in Space is directed by Alfonso Brescia who seems to have been a bit of a specialist in cheap Star Wars clones, such as War of the Robots (of which I am sure it shares some footage, specifically the scenes of the Brian Joneses fighting with laser swords). This one is another in this genre, except it is a porn version. George Lucas certainly never went here before. It stars vixen Sirpa Lane, who also starred in Joe D'Amato's ultra-trashy Love Goddess of the Cannibals. This one is quite good fun for the most part but it does do that thing that most of these sexploitation films from the era do and that is that it features seemingly endless soft-core fumbles that get tedious quite quick. Bizarrely, you actually want more of the actual plot. Having said all that, this one really goes into hyper-drive with the scene where Onaph reveals himself to be a space-satyr with an enormous erect penis. He then engages in an animalistic sex scene with Shirpa Lane. It's certainly memorable and it's what ultimately sets the film apart from others of its genre.

Relatively young and uncontrollably horny space fleet commander Captain Larry Madison (Karis) takes a break from seducing bar-girls and getting into drunken fistfights with rivals to actually do his job i.e. a space mission.

On the mission to an unknown world he particularly notices amongst his new crew is one Lt. Sondra Richardson (Sirpa Lane), (a woman who looks like Radha Mitchell with a hangover). He enjoyed a brief tryst with her after a bar pick-up and didn't call. Now things are awkward especially since they have to work together on a potentially dangerous mission.

In real space missions, crews train together for years and form bonds of professional trust which limit the possibility of one of them running into a casual encounter and having to get past personal stuff that has no place on a mission.

They are seldom captained by guys who get into drunken bar fights and use their status to pick up women or staffed with female crew who bed down with a potential crew-mate. But the crew seen here just meets and takes off together right after making introductions.

The captain's unprofessional adventures in bars have not only caught up with him as it relates to his work colleague. No sooner are they off into the cosmos than a ship with some of the guys he beat up in a bar attack the vessel and damage it to the point where it has to go on a unscheduled emergency detour to an uncharted planet.

On the planet they are hosted by a seemingly benevolent raconteur (Hundar) who treats them to a sumptuous dining experience after which they engage in frottage then full on coitus.

Low-budget sci-fi from around the same time like the infamous Inseminoid (1981) are similarly hastily assembled malignant crossbreeds of the respective Star Trek and Alien franchises.

You get the typical depiction of computerized instrumentation that the screen gave audiences of the time. Metallic boxes with lots of flashing lights and phony levers and gauges and instruments that look like they are doing something but are in fact just flashing on and off. The sets were less important than the acting.

But the inexplicable pornographic tangent this particular title goes on, while not unexpected given the opening scenes, does start rather abruptly and without much subtlety or proper pacing by showing the crew watching a couple of horses having sex and then begin touching themselves. Quite frankly it was more than the tackiness of it all that made me feel slightly nauseous.

I can only wonder if the actors knew they were going to be in a production with a pornographic tangent. The cast assembled here has people who were, in several notable cases, generally known for soft-core sex films even though this looks like, for the most part just typical b-movie sci-fi.

La bestia nello spazio is a strange, often ridiculous entry in the Italian exploitation wave of the late 1970s and early 80s, mixing pulp sci-fi aesthetics with softcore eroticism in a way that's either bizarrely hypnotic or hopelessly clumsy, depending on your tolerance for cinematic junk food. Director Alfonso Brescia (working under the alias Al Bradley) assembles a colorful mess that tries to mimic the sleek spectacle of Star Wars, but ends up feeling more like a bootleg space opera taped over late-night cable erotica. The atmosphere is thick with fog machines, flashing control panels, and synth-heavy background music, but the overall vibe is more lounge act than interstellar odyssey.

Visually, the film operates on a low-budget wavelength, relying heavily on recycled sets, rudimentary miniatures, and stock footage that gives the entire production a charmingly amateur quality. The cinematography, while rarely innovative, leans into soft-focus filters and saturated lighting, especially during the more risqué sequences. There's a strange beauty to the way Brescia lights faces and silhouettes against starscapes and neon interiors, though it's often undercut by clunky editing and abrupt tonal shifts. The pacing stutters at times, particularly in the second act, where long stretches of pseudo-scientific banter stall any narrative momentum.

As for the performances, Sirpa Lane emerges as the unlikely anchor of the film. She manages to convey a certain wide-eyed sincerity amidst all the absurdity, and her ability to commit fully to the role-however underwritten-lends the character a surprising vulnerability. Her performance carries a soft magnetism that elevates scenes that would otherwise be weighed down by wooden dialogue or clunky exposition. The rest of the cast leans into the camp, with varying levels of effectiveness. Vassili Karis delivers his lines like a space-faring soap opera lead, while the supporting crew seems unsure whether to play it straight or laugh along with the audience.

What gives the film its odd charm is not technical polish or narrative coherence, but a sense of earnest indulgence. It is unabashedly trashy, occasionally unintentionally funny, and wholly a product of its time. While it never quite works as serious sci-fi or effective erotica, it exists in a weird cinematic limbo that makes it hard to forget. There's a cheap, fever-dream quality to it all, like watching someone try to reenact Barbarella from memory after a long night at the disco.