- The Unusual Priest: A young man came up to me the other day and said "What will my friends say when I tell them that I am a Christian?" "Oh my poor young fellow," I replied, "they will say you are a nerd, and a wally, and a fruitcake, and they will call you a brainless, foolish spamoid, and they will take down your trousers in the playground in front of all the girls, and they will rub sticky lollipops into your hair and then run away laughing, laughing, laughing. But later, when you become a famous TV Vicar, they will regret their foolishness."
- The Curious Orange: One day you will all see my power!
- [on betraying Jesus]
- Judas: If I wasn't doing this, you wouldn't be killed, mankind wouldn't be saved. So far from "betraying" mankind, I'm actually saving them from eternal damnation. And do I get any thanks? No, I'm only going down as the most evil man in history.
- The Unusual Priest: The fool said "Which band is it you like, is it 'Blur' or 'Oasis'?" Ah my young fool, I said, the only band I sing along to is Jesus! "Yeah, but do you like Blur or Oasis?" he persisted. And I said, Young Fool, in the Pop Charts of my Heart Jesus is always Number One! And he put me in a headlock and said "No, but really, I'm not messing about, do you like Blur or Oasis?" And I said "Ouch! You're hurting me! Okay, I like Oasis!" "Oh well that's alright then," he said, and walked away. And as he walked away I whispered "No, actually it's Jesus!" He did not hear...
- Stewart Lee: I see you're at your shrine to The Corrs again, Rich.
- Richard Herring: [annoyed] The Corrs Shrine, Stew! Call it by its proper name!
- The Curious Orange: This week, I'm very curious about this little conundrum.
- The Unusual Priest: And I did beat upon my manhood crying "Out Demon, Out!" And then my seed did spill upon the ground, and I was sore ashamed. Anyway, then I got off the bus...
- The Unusual Priest: The fool said "If God is Good, then why do Bad Things happen?" And I said "Bllubububpftt!"
- The Unusual Priest: Open a pack of biscuits and you shall find biscuits therein. Open the heart of a man with no love for the Lord, and there shall be no biscuits for tea. Only Blood. Lots of Blood. So much Blood...
- The Unusual Priest: The Bible teaches that Food is for the Stomach and the Stomach is for Food. It may seem obvious, but I thought I'd make sure.
- The Unusual Priest: Shall a horse be admitted unto Heaven? Yes! Shall a Zebra? Gladly! But a Quagga shall never be admitted. Do not question the Will of the Lord!
- Satan: Damn you to Hell, Gail Porter!
- Nostradamus: Oh, the wonderful country between pain and pleasure!
- The Unusual Priest: How can One born of Woman be Pure? Well, it's hard, but if you scrub long enough the stench will eventually fade...
- Stewart Lee: [Puritanical Prizes] RoNAN Keating's underwear.
- Richard Herring: Pure and bright like the Light of Heaven...
- Richard Herring: They will think they have seen the sun at night, when they see the half-pig man and one will hear brute beasts speaking.
- Curious Alien: [to the tune of "Born Free"] DAAAAAH! DAAAAAH! DA! DA! DA! DA! DAAAAAAH! DAAAAAH! DA! DA! DA! DA! DAAAAH! DAAAAH!
- Richard Herring: The Lord of Terror will come from above, before and after the Earth will be thick with frogs.
- Nostradamus: I Nostradamus shall be found stone cold dead, and then maybe Mr Herring will wish he'd been nicer to me for my final week on Earth.
- Stewart Lee: You'll be back next week to see how you did?
- Nostradamus: Yes.
- Judas: Will you just please stop saying "Ah!" for once in your Stupid Jesus Life?
- Stewart Lee: Aim 1: We are going to prove that Bill Clinton did not have sex with Monica Lewinsky, or Hilary Clinton, or anyone else, has no genitalia, and propagates by casting his spores to the wind like a dandelion.
- Richard Herring: Do you have a pronouncement, King of the Show?
- King of the Show: The Death Penalty should be brought back and used on anyone I command.
- Stewart Lee: An unpleasant man...
- The Curious Orange: [Drunk on Park Bench] I used to be on TV! Could you satisfy my curiosity... CURSE YOU GOD FOR MAKING ME THIS WAY!
- Nostradamus: Don't question the forces of darkness.
- King of the Show: We should make it illegal to talk about Coronation Street in Public.
- Businessman: [in his suit and tie] I'm just trying to do my job as best I can!
- Nostradamus: What a waste of Barbeque Technology!
- King of the Show: I would like to see the Millennium Dome turned into a Shrine for people with small faces.
- The Curious Orange: If Christian Morality suggests that we supress natural tendencies towards violence, then is not Christian Morality itself inherently unnatural?