Witchcraft X: Mistress of the Craft

Once again, the worst actress alive, messes up an even messier flick. How is that possible? Without Eileen Daly, this would just have been bad, but her "acting" plus "story" plus a production team and director with the talent of a vacuum cleaner, makes this about the worst movie ever made, next to Oasis of the Zombies. I normally like low budget, or even no budget, but this is just a waste of time.

Oh, one plus: Some of the chicks have quite nice bodies. That's about it... AVOID!!!

I still can't believe how bad this movie was. If I wasn't a massochist I don't know if I would have survived the viewing. It looks like it cost about $1000 to make, but it wasn't the money that brought them down. The acting was horrid - not just bad, 3rd graders could have read the lines better. Second, the only other reason to watch this kind of movie is the skin, and that is sorely lacking in this flick. We don't even get to see the more attractive chicas in the buff.

Ahh well, better luck next time eh?

Witchcraft X: Mistress of the Craft (1998)

* 1/2 (out of 4)

Detective Lutz (Stephanie Beaton; second straight film) goes to England after a bisexual vampire frees a Satan worshiper from California. Pretty soon dead bodies are coming up everywhere and it's up to everyone's favorite detective to stop it. Yes they're still going and yes they took a minor character from the previous entries and gave her her own film. WITCHCRAFT X is a bad movie, there's no doubt about it but I will give director-writer Elisar Cabrera credit for knowing this. It really does seem like he watched the previous few entries and realized he had nothing to lose so he decided to change things around a bit. The biggest change is that there are more horror elements going on here with the vampires. Not only do we get some neck biting but we also have the highest body count from any of the films in the series up to this point. Sure, the effects suck (no pun) but at least they're something different. The sex/nudity level hasn't really been cut down. At first I thought it had but the director quickly makes up for the lack of skin early on by giving us a three-way (not that kind) dealing with two sex scenes going on at once and another beauty taking a bath. The sex scene between the bisexual vampire and the Satan worshiper was fairly funny and especially the hot wax. The performances are pretty much what you'd expect from a film like this (meaning people are hired for their breast size) but I did find Beaton to be fun to watch (and look at). The biggest problem with the film is that it simply goes on way too long and whatever decent ideas are in the screenplay just get watered down by the extremely long running time. There's also way too much dialogue but this here has happened in all ten films to date.

Well what can I say about this movie! Let's see! STEPHANIE BEATON!!!!! My god!!! Never before has a cop looked so good!!! With her shirt tied and her breasts hanging out! Anyways, let's talk about the movie. Despite the fact the fight scenes are badly choreographed. Which, I thought was the funniest thing about the movie! And then there's Eileen Daly. God! This woman could make you urinate your pants at the sight of her acting! Oh! this has got to be the funniest line in the movie. I forgot the character's name so I'm just going to put guy, ok?

Guy: Maybe...if we had time...we could torture her...to death!

When I heard that line my friend and I bursted out laughing and couldn't stop! This is such a great schlock-fest! Watch and laugh yourself silly!!

Don't forget the staking! You can tell where they used dummies! OH MY GOD!!!!

Sean Harry gives a stellar performance in what is a truly wonderful pile of poo. Witness his constant right hand turns around London! Gasp in awe at the amazing Y-fronts! Fear him as he points that plastic pistol! See the spectacle of the stiletto staking! Snigger at those floating silicon mountains! Get some cheese to go with that ham!

Pausing the film so you can go laugh your ass off is only one of many ways to watch it. Watch it while drunk, stoned, shagging, with friends, with a goat, with duct-tape, with alcopops, while being a little teapot, while running a convention, while hitting on women, while being hit on by men, while getting a haircut, while wondering why you have this film in the first place.

Don't buy this movie, but do watch it for the sheer entertainment value. Higher 'Ick!' factor than any gory horror movie, more ham'n'cheese than a really big sandwich, Sean Harry delivers it all. And some decent conventions on top.

Love'n'hugs Sean, T&L :)