Anno zero - Guerra nello spazio

WAR OF THE PLANETS begins with flashing, beeping, and a toy spaceship floating around. The ship's crew are wearing red swim caps, perhaps to keep space mold from growing between their ears. The ship's computer, known as WIZ, drones on in monotone fashion, much like an industrial fan.

Astronauts leap from ship to ship, probably trying to escape this movie's pull of death. Actions take place for no discernable reason. A man screams as though something is happening. Nope. WIZ blathers on.

Meanwhile, on Earth, some sort of crisis has developed. Mysterious signals, sounding like chipmunks caught in a storm drain are transmitted to the ship. WIZ gives orders. We discover that the ship has an onboard orgasmatron. Even this is boring.

Lasers flash! Sound effects whoop and bloop! Spaceships spin! WIZ yammers on! My God, this is the Marianas Trench of boredom! Crushing tedium destroying our minds! Pray for us all!

This movie is cinematic arthritis, causing agony with no hope of relief! We know that somewhere, someone said, "Oh yeah, I saw STAR WARS. I can make a movie just like that!". This is the film that George Lucas could have made, had his brain been turned into tuna salad.

This, my friends, is sub-sludge without mercy...

In 1977, Alfonso Breschia grabbed a video camera, some torches, some of his mates, and a moog and went to his garage to make a film of the future where multi-cultural crews battle space threats, technologically advanced robots are smart-arses, and Glaswegian astronauts turn into slime drooling monsters!

All of Alfonso Breschia's space films have a terrible reputation, and that's because they are terrible low budget affairs full of people spouting scientific bollocks while ear piercing noises and flashing images assault the senses. This one however actually manages to transcend all this to be entertaining and awful at the same time. Let's get to the plot and explain.

For starts, John Richardson is a hot-headed space captain who hates the fact that everyone relies on a computer called the Wiz to do the thinking for them. In fact, he's not a fan of that simulated sex machine Malisa Longo uses either. He'd rather let his balls and his brain do the thinking, so when Earth receives a signal from outer space, either his brains or his balls act quickly and attack two aggressive ships that fly towards his ship. This turns out to be a good idea.

On this mysterious planet, the crew find an archway that teleports them...somewhere else where they are attacked by a violent indestructible robot who has been murdering the silver-coated alien inhabitants. We find out that there's this huge arrogant computer that ended up in control of everything, likes killing things for fun, and wants to take over Earth. That sounds like a job for robot hating John!

In this crazy world were people have to awkwardly wave their hands behind their heads to close doors instead of using door handles, alarms flash like 90's raves and scream insanely, and astronauts sing 'I belong to Glasgow', how does one distinguish who is human and who has been taken over by an alien computer? Strangely, this film turns into a horror at the last twenty minutes, which is probably why I rate this one over Breschia's other sci-fi trash crap.

Weirdly, this film uses the 'blast the alien out of the airlock' bit before Alien! You're a trailblazer, Breschia!

I watched this movie broadcast by an Italian local channel some days ago... and enjoyed it a lot! This is a clear example of a b-movie of the seventies with a lot of defects: bad special effects, wooden actors, a weird montage in which some scenes are cut while in the middle of a dialog or an action... But it retains a special fascination if you are capable of watching it from an historical perspective. And some ideas are definitely good, not to say anticipatory: have you ever heard the story of a planet in which machines once built by mankind revolt against their owners and enslave them by stealing their vital energy? It sounds quite like The Matrix, isn't it? Well, don't expect other resemblances. Recommended only to the true science-fiction movies fanatics!

Despite the fact that they were produced during the same year , "War of the Planets" had nothing whatever in common with "Star Wars". While the former was definitely an "A-Picture", "War of the Planets" is strictly "Grade-Z". The story is nearly incomprehensible, the writing terrible, the acting wooden and the production values about what one would expect in a high-school play. Some cheesy science-fiction films can be so bad that they are entertaining. however, this example of the genre is simply...bad. About all this film accomplishes is to make the viewer appreciate just how good things like "Star Wars", "Star Trek" and "2001: A Space Odyssey" actually were.

So I concur with most of the reviews that suggest "War of the Planets" is an abomination, and if it weren't for the figure-hugging uniforms (as worn by the female cast), ludicrous skull-caps, a vaguely entertaining climax and a now-rare appearance by one-time international star John Richardson, this Italian sci-fi wouldn't rate at all.

Something of a "2001: A Space Odyssey" rip-off, that also seems to be channeling "Beneath the Planet of the Apes", finds rogue skipper Richardson assigned a supposedly benign mission as penance for his misbehaviour, suddenly thrust into a fatal mission to protect the earth from an omnipotent intergalactic robot that has decimated the inhabitants of a nearby planet.

There's an awful lot of cheesy special effects, unimaginative set decoration, random solar flames and ubiquitous laserblasts, underscored by the typically puerile over-dubbing, and punctuated by Strauss and other stock music of the ilk, serving as some misguided attempt at a sophisticated backdrop. It's actually very tame and very lame with little redeeming qualities. Richardson looks assured despite the tripe, and he's ably assisted by the intense-looking cast of relative unknowns (Yanti Somer, West Buchanan, Vassili Karis and Percy Hogan in a minor supporting role) as they plod through 90 minutes too long of futuristic bunkum.

Too derivative to capture a cult following, just another C-grade snore- fest that's found its way into unsuspecting loungerooms via the 1-cent movie bundles - which is not to suggest every film in those boxes of goodness are as laborious as "War of the Planets", but this is definitely one of the few to avoid.