Tequila: cruda mortal

Joey Lawrence of 'Blossom' fame plays Johnny Orpheus, a film student accompanying his two moronic friends Al (Josh Marchette) and Paul (Nathan Anderson) on a road trip to a party in Mexico. During the trip, they pay a visit to "Doc" (Henry Darrow, 'The High Chaparral'), a medicine man with "magical" bottles of tequila. When Johnny drinks some, he acquires the ability to read minds, which comes in handy as he attempts to woo the pretty Tamlyn (Dru Mouser). Ultimately, he must rescue Tamlyn from a demented spirit named Hector (Rene L. Moreno).

This viewer figured that he would check this out, seeing that he is usually partial to B genre pictures, but this is terminally *lame*. A purported horror-comedy, it is *never* scary and *rarely* funny (although this viewer would be lying if he said that he didn't chuckle at some lines and moments). It has a pretty bad script (by director Tony Shyu), but the worst sin that "Tequila Body Shots" commits is forcing the viewer to spend time with Al, Paul, and super-aggressive film nerd Ted (Rob Benedict), three of the most aggravating, insufferable characters that a movie watcher should have to put up with. Ted is just the worst, a big fat annoying stereotype.

At the very least, the climax of the film, which takes place in "Hell", is somewhat interesting. It isn't great, at all, but it's certainly better than the balance of the movie. Lawrences' earnestness does help a fair bit, as well as the presence of the endearing Mr. Darrow. And it doesn't hurt that the ladies (also including Stephanie Arellano as Tina) are generally quite attractive.

My word of advice is that if you do feel like *you* want to give this movie a "shot", as it were, please keep your expectations low.

Three out of 10.

Making a horror comedy that simultaneously is funny AND suspenseful is pretty much the hardest thing to accomplish in cinema. Only the truly great directors like, say, Sam Raimi ("The Evil Dead") can pull this off, so don't expect a new guy in the business to succeed. Fortunately for writer/director/producer Tony Shyu, he isn't overly pretentious and does never at one point attempt to make his film look like a genuine horror production. He merely puts the emphasis on the comedy factors, and although not always equally successful, at least he manages to keep "Tequila Body Shots" endurable. The film starts off as a typical high-school comedy, in the style of "American Pie", with stereotypical teenage characters that only have sex and booze on their minds, and it really takes a very long time before until the horror elements are mixed in. The plot centers on two groups of college friends (three male film students and the nerd they can't get rid off + three random girls) that mysteriously get invited to a Halloween party across Mexican borders. They encounter a spiritual doctor handing out all sorts of magic potions, party locations that vanish overnight and devilish voices in the background; all leading to the inevitably derivative and dull horror finale of reincarnation & vengeance from beyond the tomb. One of the girls turns out to be the mirror image of a Mexican duchess slain by her jealous husband nearly 100 years ago and only one of the boys – Johnny – can prevent that her soul will be taken to hell for all eternity. The horror elements of the story definitely miss their effect and the references towards the Greek mythology (the tale of Orpheus and the boat-ride to hell) are utterly misplaced. They're lost on the target audience of this type of film, anyway. Luckily enough, a handful of jokes and comical situations are entertaining enough to keep you alert. Particularly Ted's character is good for a couple of laughs, as he sees himself as God's gift to women even though he's the most annoying Star Wars nerd imaginable. The girls form terrific eye candy, but only the abnormally yummy Stephanie Arellano takes her top off, so the sleaze-factor of "Tequila Body Shots" isn't exactly impressive, neither. There's no gore or spectacular action sequences and the climax is so exaggeratedly happy & joyful it nearly made me feel miserable. NOT recommended, not even to the handful of teenage fans Joey Lawrence has left since starring in "Blossum". Yuck.

While "Tequila Body Shots" ranks in my personal top five worst movies ever made, it is definitely memorable. A film so wretched Jim Varney would have winced, it raises the question "who gave this tripe the greenlight?" That being said, it was impossible for me to turn away. I caught the movie inadvertently on cable and could do nothing but follow it through to its bitter end. The effects, the acting, the final denouement involving the movie's namesake all coalesce to make a cinematic masterpiece in shame. Joey Lawrence has grown up, and after doing that movie should have thrown up. Worth watching just to realize that every other movie you thought was bad actually wasn't THAT bad.

This movie is by far the worst movie ever made. It's scary that someone looked at this script and said "Hey, this looks like a good movie to have on my resume." It's sad that some company put forth money for the production of this movie as well. This movie is so horrible, it made me vomit. Anyone who thought this was a genuinely good movie is a complete idiot. This is one of those movies that you rent because you want a good movie to make fun of with your friends. That is about all it is good for. Terrible acting, terrible story, terrible setting, terrible everything. If i could give this movie 2 thumbs down, I would, but I don't want to waste energy in turning my hand over and extending my thumb on a movie so utterly disgusting. Joey Lawrence has to be the worst actor I've ever seen. That is all I have to say.

The stupidest f*ckin' film ever. It physically hurts. I can't believe I actually saw what i did. Someone somewhere got fired for saying yes to this unbelievably horrid piece of dung. i feel like punishing myself for not killing myself 10 minutes into it.

In fact, I STILL feel bad.