My Tongue Is -Quick!

An obvious necessity for any John C. Holmes collector, MY TONGUE IS -QUICK! is an entertaining though slipshod bit of filmmaking. It's arousal value is perhaps exceeded by its camp value.

As usual, Holmes is cast as a private dick, only this time his character Nicky Butane runs a gigolo service charging $100 an hour for "rich, bored ladies", rather than his legendary Johnny Wadd sleuth persona. Title cleverly mocks the Mickey Spillane classic "My Gun Is Quick".

Cheap-cheap-cheap action takes place strictly below decks on his boat moored at a marina (we get some establishing shots outdoors, but not enough to qualify this as a real film beyond porn). Two female clients plus his secretary Virginia (nickname: Vagina) Bountiful are serviced by Holmes and his two male employees named Thunderballs and James Blond.

Lest one assume the anonymous director is an Ian Fleming fan, all the names and improvised dialog here are arbitrary, merely a platform to an all-sex opus. In an interview Bob Chinn (Holmes' erstwhile mentor) put the total budget for his 1971 film "Johnny Wadd" at a mere $750, and I suspect MY TONGUE came in for even less. Amazing that an hour-long feature film could be made so economically, and even stand the test of time 40 years later.

Though there is some direct-sound dialog, of pointless, inane banter, film relies heavily on Holmes' self-aggrandizing voice-over narration. It's actually quite funny, and adds a very personal touch to this nonsense.

Rest of the cast is unidentified, though the women looked familiar (probably from porn loop appearances), especially Virginia the unattractive, pug-nosed secretary. A client named only "Superstar" (probably an homage to the '60s Warhol films, which directly inspired oh-so-many 1-day porn wonders), can't speak at all -she gives non-acting a whole new definition.

Highlight of the film is an attractive brunette cast as Mae Best, supposedly an octogenarian movie star. Holmes at one point refers to her as Mae West in his voice-over -oh, no, he gave away the secret! The real Mae West warbles her classic "My Old Flame" on the soundtrack, and the anonymous player does a pretty good verbal impression of the legend.

Soundtrack is all over the place, including several jazz tracks, many novelty "dirty lyrics" songs like "Fornication" and "Same Old Fashioned Way" plus a mish-mash including Barbra Streisand singing "He Touched Me", two versions of the all-time sexy hit "Je t'aime moi non plus" featuring Serge Gainsbourg & Jane Birkin, The Beatles' "I Feel Fine", "Goin' Out of My Head", and amusingly "Hold On, I'm Comin'" timed to an ejaculation shot.

Several of the money shots are obviously faked, while the loosey-goosey approach to filmmaking has Holmes and customer using toy phones to communicate -wow, they're cordless! To watch his employees have sex he has a child's kaleidoscope that he identifies as an x-ray telescope. Anything goes, as long as it's cheap.