Armstrong

This is a cheesy as it get. Horrible acting. Bored extras. Low speed auto chases. Gunfights with hand grenades in a small apartment that doesn't damage the dry wall....that or the walls heal themselves.

Set in Russia but filmed in Bulgaria or one of those other countries, Armstrong is a retired SEAL. Somehow he gets involved with unrepentant Commies who want to steal a nuke....or maybe not. It's hard to say. It is so bad you'll laugh so hard you'll forget the plot.

Maybe because either the plot is so forgettable or it doesn't really have one. Please do yourself a favor, watch it.

It isn't quite at good as the great Sam Elliott movie Frogs, but it is still breathtakingly horrible.

This movie is hilarious. The plot is laughable, and the seriousness that the characters can maintain is incredible! This movie was honestly one of the worst movies i have ever seen, if just because of how serious it tries to be. I'd like to say there is a strong point in this movie... maybe its the comedy

Not recommended unless you are verrrry easily amused.

This film is truly awful, with a silly plot, poor acting and on the whole not well filmed. The only reason for a normal bloke to watch this DVD is to see the delightful Kimberly Kates who looks divine coming out of the shower and she then is involved in a protracted chase scene in a soaking wet blouse without a bra. She looks stunning. That's the only reason I gave it two stars rather than none. After the chase is over turn off.

There used to be a time when you could stumble across a movie in a bargain bin and it be realized as a masterpiece. Occasionally the path of cult classics discovered by today's audience. Now, however, with the vast amount of low budget movies being made these days it seems there are too many diamonds lost in the celluloid rough.

After watching 'Armstrong' countless times I was still unsure of how to take it. Excellently choreographed spoof (to top all others including 'Airplane!') or baneful and calamitous one-take-per-shot "action" adventure.

I'm still confused but I urge you to check it out. It made me laugh and it made me cry.

Charles Napier plays Robert Zorkin, a man who travels to Russia with his wife Susan (Kates), supposedly for a vacation. But it turns out he has a VHS tape that shows the Russians dealing in nuclear warheads with the mob. It seems Zorkin was the mentor to one "Rod Armstrong" (Zagarino). Armstrong is an ex-Navy SEAL who now trains people in Russia and is "very expensive". Joe Lara, appropriately enough, plays "Ponytail", the head of the gangsters who is menacing everyone in sight, not the least of which is Susan, who he chases all over Russia. Richard Lynch is the Russian General Zukov, who is a major part of the insanity. Will Rod Armstrong be able to stop the gangsters and evil Russians from stealing the nukes and perhaps launching them, and save the kidnapped Susan in the process? I know action movies don't have to be intelligent, but Armstrong is just so dumb it's really unbelievable. Zagarino usually brings the dumb, and here is no exception. In fact, if anything, he's outdone himself in the dumb department. He's beyond wooden. Rod Armstrong is stupid, unlikable, arrogant and annoying, and he usually has some sort of "shirt problem". Either his shirt is ripped, comes off, becomes unbuttoned, or he just plain forgets to wear one. It seems the filmmakers wanted very badly for him to be Dolph Lundgren, as his hair, makeup, and what's left of his outfits strongly recall Dolph. But Zagarino is not Dolph. Not by a long shot. Also he has numerous pictures of himself on his wall. Armstrong makes Project: Shadowchaser (1992) look like a masterpiece.

One of the better things about Armstrong is its cast of familiar faces. Joe Lara goes over the top as Ponytail, but his unfinished beard really left a sense of incompleteness in the viewer's hearts. He resembles a mid-90's Dennis Miller. We liked him better as the good guy in such films as American Cyborg: Steel Warrior (1993) and Hologram Man (1995). Napier gets slightly more screen time here than in Center of the Web (1992), and he even gets to do some "Napier-Fu", but the extreme sweatiness is unpleasant. Kimberley Kates was a great choice for the eye candy, and Richard Lynch proves he's the most versatile guy in DTV cinema, here living it up as a drunken, carousing Russian military general, the next day playing an Italian gangster with aplomb.

But sadly, try as they might, even the mightiest DTV cast cannot overcome the inanity of Armstrong. Whoever wrote the dialogue, you'd think they would be satisfied by the fact that is completely mind-numbing, but no, it's incredibly repetitive too! Many things are said more than once. I don't know which is worse, if it was unintentional, or if they were so proud of their great writing, the writer thought we should hear it multiple times. Or they could have assumed their audience is just stupid. Big mistake. The dialogue alone detracts major points from Armstrong.

Because of the dialogue and dumbness, not to mention how irritating Rod Armstrong is, almost in a Sloane (1984) sort of way, you really don't care about the characters and situations. Add to that a jumbled and unclear plot and you have a serious mess on your hands. Perhaps the ultimate "turn off your brain" movie, unless you are a die hard fan of any of the actors here or DTV movies themselves, it might be wise to steer clear of Armstrong.

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