King Cobra: gigante de puro veneno

Is this a low budget movie?: YES

Is the acting bad?: YES

Is this movie a bad one?: NO DOUBT

BUT, is this movie entertaining?: YES, but only in limited periods of time. If you want to enjoy "King Cobra", you have to block out all expectations of this being a great film, and just erase your memory of great films you've previously seen. Only if you do that, there's a possible that it will entertain you. One thing that helps a bit, it that the special effects doesn't look that bad. But since this is really low-budget, the big snake hasn't that much screen time. And for the opening scene, just forget that it was part of the movie, because it has to be one of the worst scenes that I've seen. Ever.

30 feet of pure terror! So proclaims the jacket ad. The monster snake is actually a Cobra-Rattlesnake creation, the result of genetic tinkering. After the obligatory lab explosion, it escapes and settles down in a small rural town to make life hectic for the hicks, who call in snake-expert Pat Morita (from Happy Days and the "Karate Kid" movies). This flic is rather low-budget and must have went direct-to-video. I'm not really sure how much of it is unintentionally funny or tongue-in-cheek (especially the climactic battle between Morita & the Monster, who, by the way, is named Seth). But, it comes off as entertaining in a goofy, lopsided manner, hearkening back to all those monster flics of the 1950s (and the 1970s, come to think of it). There weren't that many giant snake movies back then, however, instead mostly giant insects and an occasional lizard. Then we got "Anaconda" in '97 and the rest is history - the Sci-Fi Channel has a sub genre load of these by now. The snake-monster itself in "King Cobra" is fairly well executed, showing that even with a very low budget, FX can be done in a reasonable fashion these days. Lucky us.

Snake movies are the worst. And this one is the equal of any. A King Cobra/Rattlesnake hybrid has escaped from a lab wrecked by two of the most insane scientists in film history. The scene was brief, but possibly the most entertaining in the film. The monstrous mutation has claimed a small, rural town as its territory. Of course they are about to have a festival a beer fest no less! And will the Mayor cancel the festival because a couple of people are killed? What do you think?

The acting in King Cobra is remedial at best. Even Pat Morita cannot make is role entertaining. The stoic Casey Fallo was a pretty good reason to keep viewing. She was nice to watch in what little she was given to do. Everyone else was just not in attendance.

Perhaps the major problem for me in the film is that a snake was able to outsmart one-and-all homo sapiens throughout most of the film. And the two ton beast seemingly appeared and disappeared with all the velocity of a mako shark. He wafted through the delicate branches of trees with the grace of a ninety pound ballerina. A trained deputy is cornered against a tree by the rampaging reptile, and she panics, seemingly forgets she has a pistol in her hand, and screams for the hero; who drop-kicks the lightnening-fast saurian without even getting bitten.

One must always suspend belief to some extent in order to enjoy a monster film. However, the director created such a "super snake", and such inept humans, that King Cobra far surpassed my ability to stretch reality.This mess eventually became boring and predictable. That is the only real sin a monster film can commit. And it is terminal in King Cobra.

But it just might be that the worst faux pas of this film was the beer recipe recited by the supposed artisan brewer. If you are able to muster the gumption to watch this snake calamity, listen carefully for it. This "master brewer" is concocting a classic American mass-produced, tasteless near beer; not a sapid, artisan brew. After all, snakes are a dime a dozen, but a really good beer is sacred.

I cannot recommend this film, unless one is in traction and cannot reach the remote. However, perhaps enough good beer could make it tolerable?

Okay. "Battlefield Earth" is nothing compared to this. This is, hands down, the worst movie I have ever, EVER seen. I saw it on HBO in the middle of the day when I was home sick, and this movie just made it worse. But, like a terrible car accident, I couldn't look away. The town in the film is home to a fledgling brewery that could spell an economic turnaround for the small hamlet, if its opening day "Brewfest" is a success. But, a giant cobra has escaped from a nearby lab and could kill everyone if authorities don't take the advice of the cute lady cop and her doctor boyfriend. Believe it or not, the stubborn mayor JUST WON'T LISTEN! You can guess the rest. Some observations:

1) Erik Estrada's performance as a gay man was the very worst acting I have ever seen in any movie. I'm talking Ed Wood level acting here. I kept getting the feeling that he was uncomfortable playing a a gay man; maybe he's got too much "machismo" in his Latin blood for that. His lisp, his "little dog," his "gay walk," his constantly checking out men's rears. Yikes!

2) The dad from "Gremlins" played the mayor of the town who, darnit, just won't listen when he's warned about the snake. He can't stop the town's beer festival! The economic future of every citizen is riding on it! Predictable results.

3) The young doctor. Hoo boy. The young doctor. Don't quit your day job, Mr. Forgettable, Stilted, Anonymous actor.

4) The lady cop. Ditto.

5) The snake was funny. A cobra with a rattle.

Not to mention all the racist stereotypes and idiotic dialogue. Don't see this. No, wait! See this! It's actually pretty funny!

Grade: F-

Things to look for: the sets, the look on the cobra's face, the woodchopping scene that goes on MUCH too long, the two Latin lovers in the woods (what ARE they saying?), Erik Estrada.

1) You can survive an explosion straight to your face and only suffer from a missing eye.

2) The "African King Cobra" exists, even if king cobras only live in Asia.

3) Aggression makes things bigger.

4) A king cobra/rattlesnake hybrid can spit venom, even if both species are incapable of doing so.

5) Rattlesnakes rattle when they're hunting. Screw being silent.

6) A king cobra/rattlesnake hybrid can make Jurassic Park Raptor noises.

7) Bullets do not affect a king cobra/rattlesnake hybrid at all.

8) A beer festival is way too important to mind the lives of innocent civilians.

9) Never trust people from you snake-hunting team, as they might mistake sleeping gas for toxic gas.

10) Expect the unexpected.