King Cobra: gigante de puro veneno

1) You can survive an explosion straight to your face and only suffer from a missing eye.

2) The "African King Cobra" exists, even if king cobras only live in Asia.

3) Aggression makes things bigger.

4) A king cobra/rattlesnake hybrid can spit venom, even if both species are incapable of doing so.

5) Rattlesnakes rattle when they're hunting. Screw being silent.

6) A king cobra/rattlesnake hybrid can make Jurassic Park Raptor noises.

7) Bullets do not affect a king cobra/rattlesnake hybrid at all.

8) A beer festival is way too important to mind the lives of innocent civilians.

9) Never trust people from you snake-hunting team, as they might mistake sleeping gas for toxic gas.

10) Expect the unexpected.

King Cobra

I didn't know this was a sequel to the 1997 sleeper "Anaconda" until I looked it up on IMDb. Needless to say, it's worse than the original.

"The Karate Kid" star Pat Morita (yeah, the Chinese guy) stars as a snake hunter who must track down a genetically-altered King Cobra python-whatever when it escapes its super-duper high tech prison: a tin cage. Wow, the government must really be cutting down on containment these days. Anyway, Pat goes after the snake with the help of Scott Hillenbrand (also co-director of this journey) and Casey Fallo, who do, of course, fall in love and kiss right after a snake is about to chomp their heads off. But that's okay - it's in the script.

There are countless things in this film that are truly laughable, including the scene where Pat Morita tells Hillenbrand that he injects himself with snake venom to acquire an immunity to it. You can see the regret in Pat's eyes. He knows this is a stinky movie, and he hates having to say what he's saying. He's been around in the Hollywood circuit long enough to know that saying that kind of thing can get a film - and an actor - killed. But directors can be very picky about their films. I just thought of something that rhymes with `picky,' as well.

Pat Morita is in the low-point of his career. Actually, let's face it: He doesn't have a career. He got lucky off a few `Karate Kid' movies, and his fame disappeared instantaneously. He tried to get back in the acting showbiz with `The Next Karate Kid,' but his plan backfired, and his apprentice in the film became the one to gain worldwide recognition AND an Oscar (Hilary Swank). Too bad for Pat.

Scott Hillenbrand is like scraping the bottom of the barrel. His acting talent is niltch. He can't direct or act, which leaves me to wonder...how did he get his big break? I can't imagine he gained anything from the 1997 thriller `Hostile Takeover'.

David Hillenbrand, Scott's brother, is the other co-director of this film. And quite frankly, they both share the family gene specialty, which is being manager at a McDonald's somewhere out in Oklahoma. That's their specialty, and they should stick to it.

Saying this movie is bad is like saying "Anaconda" was sort of bad. The original was awful enough, but this sinks even lower in the depths than the original.

Sure, it's great for a Friday or Saturday night when you've got nothing else to do. But in all honestly, I'd rather waste 93 minutes of my life on something good than something below-average, even if it has a campy quality to it (and not much at that!).

Worth avoiding at all costs. Well, almost all costs. It's hard to keep a straight face when Morita says he injects himself with snake poison. What a pathetic way to make the hero immune to venom. B-A-D is written all over this straight-to-video flop.

0/5 Stars -

John Ulmer

Is this a low budget movie?: YES

Is the acting bad?: YES

Is this movie a bad one?: NO DOUBT

BUT, is this movie entertaining?: YES, but only in limited periods of time. If you want to enjoy "King Cobra", you have to block out all expectations of this being a great film, and just erase your memory of great films you've previously seen. Only if you do that, there's a possible that it will entertain you. One thing that helps a bit, it that the special effects doesn't look that bad. But since this is really low-budget, the big snake hasn't that much screen time. And for the opening scene, just forget that it was part of the movie, because it has to be one of the worst scenes that I've seen. Ever.

30 feet of pure terror! So proclaims the jacket ad. The monster snake is actually a Cobra-Rattlesnake creation, the result of genetic tinkering. After the obligatory lab explosion, it escapes and settles down in a small rural town to make life hectic for the hicks, who call in snake-expert Pat Morita (from Happy Days and the "Karate Kid" movies). This flic is rather low-budget and must have went direct-to-video. I'm not really sure how much of it is unintentionally funny or tongue-in-cheek (especially the climactic battle between Morita & the Monster, who, by the way, is named Seth). But, it comes off as entertaining in a goofy, lopsided manner, hearkening back to all those monster flics of the 1950s (and the 1970s, come to think of it). There weren't that many giant snake movies back then, however, instead mostly giant insects and an occasional lizard. Then we got "Anaconda" in '97 and the rest is history - the Sci-Fi Channel has a sub genre load of these by now. The snake-monster itself in "King Cobra" is fairly well executed, showing that even with a very low budget, FX can be done in a reasonable fashion these days. Lucky us.

Even taking into account what obviously was a miniscule budget, one of the worst efforts I've been exposed to. In a nutshell, this is a tale of a small town under the attack of a genetically engineered, grossly oversized mutant snake (half King Cobra-half rattlesnake) that has escaped from the local laboratory. To remedy this awful situation, they hire expert snake wrangler Mr. Miyagi to corral the ferocious reptile. Honestly, Pat Morita would have won more of my respect by signing on for another Karate Kid movie. And despite the fact that both the plot and the realism are miserable, every cloud has a silver lining - this movie is so bad that laughter is all but guaranteed. That's the only reason you'll make it to the end. And if you do, there's gold at the end of the rainbow. In one of the most outstanding moments in bad movie history, the movie's final scene features one of our heroes delivering a breathtaking drop kick to the snake that is guaranteed to have you doubled over in laughter while frantically reaching for the rewind button. You've got to see it to believe it.