- Guybrush Threepwood: How can you see without eyeballs?
- Murray: How can you walk around without a brain? Some things no one can answer.
- Murray: I am a powerful demonic force! I am the harbinger of your doom! And the forces of darkness will applaud me as I STRIDE through the gates of hell carrying your head on a pike!
- Guybrush Threepwood: 'Stride?'
- Murray: All right then, 'ROLL! ROLL through the gates of hell.' Must you take the fun out of everything?
- Guybrush Threepwood: You're about as fearsome as a doorstop.
- Murray: Is it a really EVIL-looking doorstop?
- Guybrush Threepwood: [sighs] Never mind.
- Guybrush Threepwood: Do you know anything about lifting curses?
- Murray: Oh, right. I know a lot about lifting curses. That's why I'm a disembodied talking skull sitting on top of a spike in the middle of a swamp.
- Guybrush Threepwood: You seem bitter.
- Murray: I'm sorry. It's been a rough day.
- Guybrush Threepwood: How'd you break into the hairstyling industry?
- Cutthroat Bill: I saw an ad to join a barbershop quartet. Got a problem with that?
- Guybrush Threepwood: No! That must be very rewarding work.
- Cutthroat Bill: What's that supposed to mean?
- Guybrush Threepwood: Mean? Just that... you know, cutting hair, and, err, singing must be just... a lot of fun.
- Cutthroat Bill: It's like a party every day. Some days I just don't know how to contain my joy. I get giddy, and the laughter bubbles out of me like a sparkling fountain of mirth and gaiety.
- Guybrush Threepwood: Okay, new topic...
- Captain Blondebeard: Madre de Dios! Es el Pollo Diablo!
- Guybrush Threepwood: [as El Pollo Diablo] !Sí He dejado en libertad los prisioneros y ahora vengo por ti!
- Captain Blondebeard: Well, yer not gettin' me without a fight!
- Cabana Boy: Let me see your membership card and I'll let you through!
- Guybrush Threepwood: You don't need to see my identification.
- Cabana Boy: I don't need to see your identification.
- Guybrush Threepwood: I'm not the pirate you're looking for.
- Cabana Boy: You're not the pirate I'm looking for.
- Guybrush Threepwood: I can go about my business.
- Cabana Boy: You can go about your business.
- Guybrush Threepwood: Move along.
- Cabana Boy: Move along, move along... hey! Your mind tricks won't work on me, boy!
- Edward Van Helgen: What! You shot my banjo!
- Guybrush Threepwood: You can't be sure of that. That shot may have come from the grassy knoll.
- Elaine Marley: You know... I don't think my father would approve of me dating the undead, and you're probably too nice a zombie-pirate for me anyway. Let's just be friends instead.
- Elaine Marley: Let's face it, LeChuck. You are an evil, foul-smelling, vile, co-dependent villain and that's just not what I'm looking for in a romantic relationship right now.
- [LeChuck and his henchman Skully look at each other in confusion as to what Elaine meant]
- LeChuck: Darn yer riddles, ya saucy female! What d'ya mean?
- [cuts off Skully's head while he speaks]
- Skully: Ahhh! Ohhh!
- Elaine Marley: You're a blood-thirsty monster who's already kidnapped me once, tortured my friends, and taken from me the only man I ever loved: Guybrush Threepwood.
- Skully: [Guybrush sighs happily] Awwww... how romantic...
- [sees Guybrush]
- Skully: Ship Ahoy!
- Haggis McMutton: Me given name is 'Heart-Liver-And-Kidneys-Boiled-In-The-Stomach-Of-The-Animal McMutton.'
- Guybrush Threepwood: Oh, so your parents were expecting a girl, then.
- Haggis McMutton: Aye.
- Guybrush Threepwood: You can count on me, Wally. Just as soon as I defeat LeChuck, rescue Elaine, set all the monkeys free, and ride the Madly Rotating Buccaneer, I'll come back to release you.
- Murray: Something tells me you're not taking me very seriously.
- Guybrush Threepwood: No, no I am.
- Murray: Then let me hear you scream in terror.
- Guybrush Threepwood: I'm too scared to say anything.
- Murray: Ha ha!
- [laughs evilly]
- Guybrush Threepwood: [after you try and combine the nail with the magnet] Neat, a magnetic nail, completely worthless, but neat.
- Guybrush Threepwood: [when you try to use slippery hand lotion other than for the correct purpose] I don't wanna lubricate that!
- [the pirates' song, "A Pirate I Was Meant to Be", begins]
- Haggis McMutton: We're a band of vicious pirates!
- Edward Van Helgen: A sailin' out to sea.
- Cutthroat Bill: When you hear our gentle singing...
- Haggis McMutton: You'll be sure to turn and flee!
- Guybrush Threepwood: Oh, this is just ridiculous.
- Guybrush Threepwood: Come on, men! We've got to recover that map!
- Cutthroat Bill: That pirate will be done for, when he falls into our trap! / We're a club of tuneful rovers!
- Haggis McMutton: We can sing in every clef!
- Edward Van Helgen: We can even hit the high notes!
- Haggis McMutton: It's just too bad we're tone deaf!
- [to chorus]
- [chorus]
- Edward Van Helgen, Haggis McMutton, Cutthroat Bill: A pirate I was meant to be! / Trim the sails and roam the sea!
- Guybrush Threepwood: Let's go defeat that evil pirate!
- Edward Van Helgen: We know he's sure to lose, 'cause we know just where to fire at! / We're thieving balladeers.
- Haggis McMutton: A gang of cutthroat mugs.
- Cutthroat Bill: To fight us off ye don't need guns!
- Edward Van Helgen: Just jolly good ear plugs!
- [to chorus]
- Guybrush Threepwood: All right, crew, let's get to work!
- Haggis McMutton: Our vocation is a thing we love, a thing we'd never shirk. / We'll fight you in the harbor.
- Cutthroat Bill: We'll battle you on land.
- Edward Van Helgen: But when you meet singing pirates...
- Guybrush Threepwood: They'll be more than you can stand.
- Cutthroat Bill: Ooooh! That was a good one!
- Guybrush Threepwood: No, it wasn't.
- Guybrush Threepwood: No time for song! We've got to move!
- Cutthroat Bill: The battle will be long, but our courage we will prove! / We're a pack a' scurvy sea dogs.
- Haggis McMutton: Have we pity? Not a dram!
- Edward Van Helgen: We all eat roasted garlic...
- Haggis McMutton: ...then sing from the diaphragm!
- [to chorus]
- Guybrush Threepwood: Less singing, more sailing.
- Edward Van Helgen: When we defeat our wicked foe, his ship he will be bailing!
- Cutthroat Bill: If ye try ta fight us...
- Haggis McMutton: ...you will get a nasty whackin'!
- Edward Van Helgen: If ya disrespect our singing...
- Cutthroat Bill: ...we will feed ya to a kraken!
- [to chorus]
- Guybrush Threepwood: I'm getting so sick of you guys and your rhyming.
- Haggis McMutton: We're ready to set sail, through the cannons need a priming.
- Edward Van Helgen: We're troublesome corsairs!
- Cutthroat Bill: And we've come to steal your treasures!
- Haggis McMutton: We would shoot you on the downbeat...
- Edward Van Helgen: ...but we have to rest five measures.
- [to chorus]
- Guybrush Threepwood: Stop! Stop! Stop!
- Cutthroat Bill: The brass is what we'll polish and the deck is what we'll mop.
- Guybrush Threepwood: You say you're nasty pirates, / scheming, thieving, bad bushwhackers? / From what I've seen I tell you, / you're not pirates! You're just slackers!
- [to chorus]
- Guybrush Threepwood: We'll surely avoid scurvy if we all eat an orange.
- Haggis McMutton: And...!... um...
- Cutthroat Bill: Well...
- Edward Van Helgen: ...er...
- Cutthroat Bill: Door hinge?
- Edward Van Helgen: No, no...
- Cutthroat Bill: Guess the song's over, then.
- Haggis McMutton: Guess so.
- Edward Van Helgen: Okay, back to work.
- Guybrush Threepwood: Well gee. I feel a little guilty, now.
- [first lines]
- Guybrush Threepwood: [voiceover] Captain's log: Guybrush Threepwood. Lost at sea for days now. I have no crew or navigational instruments. No provisions except a half-eaten corn-dog and, unless I find water soon, I'm surely done for. Only the hope of finding my love, Elaine, keeps me going.
- Murray: [Guybrush, covered in feathers, enters the swamp] El Pollo Diablo! At last, one of my demonic brethren, come to set me free!
- Guybrush Threepwood: Oh, brother.
- Murray: Come, release me, so that I might run free alongside you as we terrorize the mortals of this island!
- Guybrush Threepwood: I'm out of here.
- Murray: Wait! Don't leave!
- Guybrush Threepwood: [singing] Oh... there's... a... monkey in my pocket / And he's stealing all my change / His stare is blank and glassy / I suspect that he's deranged!
- [Reading pin]
- Guybrush Threepwood: "Ask me about Grim Fandango." I don't want people asking me about Grim Fandango.
- [Looking through a keyhole]
- Guybrush Threepwood: I see a diorama of the children of the world living in peace and freedom. No, wait. It can't be that. It's just too dark to make out what's in there.
- Guybrush Threepwood: What's your name?
- Slappy Cromwell: Cromwell, Slappy Cromwell. It's not my real name actually. My agent told me my given name just didn't have star quality.
- Guybrush Threepwood: What was your given name?
- Slappy Cromwell: Rex Fortune, Adventure Seeker.
- LeChuck: Now with the demon flames of this voodoo cannonball, I'll blast my significant other into the significant otherworld, ha ha! That'll show how much I truly care.
- Voodoo Lady: I am one gifted with the Second Sight, adept at manipulating the forces of nature for the benefit of all who enter my door.
- Guybrush Threepwood: You're a fashion consultant?
- Voodoo Lady: Well... yes, but that's not what I was referring to. I am a Voodoo Priestess.
- Guybrush Threepwood: Neat.
- Voodoo Lady: You're an "autumn," by the way.
- Guybrush Threepwood: You've got to come! You're my only hope!
- Voodoo Lady: No, Guybrush. There is another.
- Guybrush Threepwood: The Diamond belongs in a museum!
- King Andre: So do post-impressionist paintings, Mr Threepwood. So do post-impressionist paintings.
- Guybrush Threepwood: What the heck is that supposed to mean?
- King Andre: Some day you will understand.
- LeChuck: Burn down every island in the Caribbean if you have to, but bring me my bride!... and more slaw! Curse the villains, they never give you enough slaw with these value meals.
- Guybrush Threepwood: [when you try to pick up the Donkey head mask in the theatre] I don't wanna look like a jackass.
- [turns to look at camera]
- Guybrush Threepwood: Yeah, yeah, I know what you're thinking. So knock it off.
- Guybrush Threepwood: [when you try to pick up one of the skeletons in the coffins]
- [outraged]
- Guybrush Threepwood: I don't need a rotting corpse!
- Stan: Here. Take one of my business cards that I've had made up.
- Guybrush Threepwood: [Stan hands him a business card] If you've been locked in that coffin, how were you able to have business cards made?
- Stan: Now's not the time to worry about the technicalities, son. Now's the time to ask yourself: "Are you covered?"
- Guybrush Threepwood: [reading nametag] Madame Eczema.
- Madame Xima: Xima! Madame Xima, Madame Xima, Madame Xima!
- Guybrush Threepwood: How do I get out of this crypt?
- Minnie Stromie Goodsoup the Ghost Bride: There's no way out of this crypt for either of us. I must haunt this lonely tomb until I've married a man I truly love. And you can't leave because the door's locked.