- [while pulling the X-1000 chip from the deceased Nick Nitro's head]
- Major Chip Hazard: A mind is a terrible thing to waste.
- Irwin Wayfair: We can't have toys out on the market that may be dangerous.
- Larry Benson: How can they be dangerous? Everything on them is standard. The design is standard, the materials are standard... The mechanicals are standard. Even the... Oh.
- Irwin Wayfair: What's "Oh"?
- Larry Benson: What?
- Irwin Wayfair: You just said "Oh."
- Larry Benson: No, l said "Oh."
- Irwin Wayfair: "Oh" like "Something interesting" or "We're screwed"?
- Larry Benson: No. l mean, hey, whoa, oh... Forget the "Oh". l'll go to legal to start on the countersuit.
- Irwin Wayfair: The chips! That's the "Oh."! These microprocessing chips. What do they do and where did you get them from?
- Larry Benson: They microprocess. And they come from the land of l Saved Your Job.
- Irwin Wayfair: [as Irwin checking the origins of the chips in the computer] They were designed for the Defense Department. You put munitions chips in toys?
- Archer: Major Chip Hazard.
- Major Chip Hazard: Gorgonite scum!
- Archer: Leave Alan alone. Your fight is with me.
- Major Chip Hazard: You've got a lot of guts. Let's see what they look like.
- [stabs Archer in the knee]
- Archer: They're wires and metal, the same as yours.
- [pulls knife out and attacks Chip, who grabs Archer]
- Major Chip Hazard: We're nothing alike. You are programmed to lose!
- [kicks Archer a few times]
- Archer: I'm also programmed to learn.
- Major Chip Hazard: Too bad you never learned to win. School's out, loser. Hyah!
- [kicks Archer off the pole]
- Major Chip Hazard: Victory is ours!
- Alan: Have I got a shock for you.
- [grabs Chip]
- Alan: You stupid toy!
- [jams Chip into the transformer, electrocuting him]
- Chip Hazard: Soldiers, no poor sap ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by being all that he can be. Damn the torpedoes, or give me death! Eternal vigilance is the price of duty. And, to the victors go the spoils. So remember: you are the best of the best of the few and the proud. So ask not what your country can do for you, only regret that you have but one life to live! The war against the Gorgonites will be won! Commando Elite, let the first shot be fired! Search out the Gorgonites and frag 'em all!
- Alan: [Freakenstein and Punch-It are at Alan's computer] What are you looking for?
- Freakenstein: Gorgon.
- Alan: Well, this is a Central Park.
- Freakenstein: The Isle of Gorgon is our homeland.
- Punch-It: Will you help us find it?
- Alan: I don't think you're gonna find it in here.
- Archer: [at Alan's bedroom window] Alan, if Gorgon is not in that window, is it in this one?
- Gil Mars: [while watching video of the Commando Elite] hey, wait, wait, wait a minute! Hold on, hold on, wait. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Can they uh, can they really do that?
- Larry Benson: Do what?
- Gil Mars: The thing where he punches his way out of the box.
- Larry Benson: No.
- Gil Mars: I didn't think so.
- Larry Benson: There's a disclaimer. I mean, legal says we're completely covered.
- Gil Mars: You know what I'm sick of? I'm sick of commercials that show 4x4 trucks parking at the top of Mt. Rushmore and parking on top of Abraham Lincoln's head. OK? I'm sick of shampoo commercials that try to convince women they can look like Claudia Schiffer after one cycle of rinse and repeat. What if these toys actually could talk? What if they could walk? What if they could actually kick ass? I'm talkin' about toys that are so smart, when kids play with 'em, they play back. Toys in short, gentlemen, that actually do what they do in the commercials.
- Irwin Wayfair: Well that's an interesting idea.
- Gil Mars: Forget about this batteries-not-included crap. We're gonna stick in a lifetime GloboTech lithium cell. Keep these things around forever. That'll piss off the guys at Eveready.
- Larry Benson: Yeah. Hey, how's this for a slogan: The Commando Elite. Anything else is just a toy.
- Gil Mars: Everything else is just a toy.
- Larry Benson: Th-th-That's good too.
- Irwin Wayfair: Uh, sir? Uh, you know, that kind of computing power doesn't really seem feasible right now, and...
- Larry Benson: Irwin. Irwin. We're members of the Globotech family. Surely we can hunt down the technology.
- Gil Mars: We can make missiles that can hunt down one unlucky bastard 7,000 miles away and stick a nuclear warhead right up his ass. I don't think we're gonna have a problem with this, these guys are soldiers right. And what do soldiers need?
- Irwin Wayfair: Hats?
- Larry Benson: Cam-cam- camouflage
- Gil Mars: Ms. Kegel?
- Ms. Kegel: Enemies, sir.
- Gil Mars: Enemies. See,
- [picks up gorgonize cutouts of ocula and insaniac]
- Gil Mars: These hideous, ugly freaks-- these guys are the enemy. And our guys have to seek 'em out and vaporize 'em.
- Irwin Wayfair: Well, no they're not.. sir? Um, don't you think that's um a bit violent?
- Gil Mars: Exactly. So don't call it violence. Call it action. Kids love action. It sells. Besides, what're you worried about? They're only toys.
- Christy Fimple: Sixteen? Where'd they get sixteen from?
- Irwin Wayfair: Seven Gorgonites and nine people
- Ralph, Clean Room Technician: The chips are a little sensitive to EMP.
- Irwin Wayfair: EMP?
- Ralph, Clean Room Technician: Electomagnetic Pulse. As in the kind generated by the detonation of a nuclear device? I doubt that the toy industry has become quite that competitive.
- Christy Fimple: Any sign of the Gorgonites?
- Alan: No, none of them.
- Phil Fimple: [calling off shot] Come on Christy!
- Christy Fimple: [kisses Alan on cheek] I gotta go.
- [Alan grabs her and kisses her overdramatically]
- Gil Mars: [getting into helicopter, looking at wreckage] Too bad, would've made a hell of a commercial.
- Archer: Gorgonites, we must help Alan.
- Freakenstein: But if we fight, we would lose.
- Freakenstein: Last time we fought, I woke up with AM/FM.
- Insaniac: I tell you, war is nuts, and I know what I'm talking about.
- Punch-It: We shouldn't fight, we should hide.
- Gil Mars: Excuse me, did you say "learn"?
- Irwin Wayfair: [stuttering] Learn, learn... yeah
- Gil Mars: ...Next.
- Larry Benson: Great! All we need now is a nuclear warhead.
- Irwin Wayfair: l doubt l'll have one in the junk drawer.
- Phil Fimple: Nuclear warhead? What are you talking about?
- Larry Benson: The chips aren't shielded against an EMP. A nuclear blast would wipe them out.
- Irwin Wayfair: That's why the military never used them.
- Stuart Abernathy: What kind of moron would put military technology in toys?
- Irwin Wayfair: [pointing at Larry] Well that would be Gizmo over here.
- Timmy Fimple: So when am I going to get the Major Chip Hazard figure?
- Christy Fimple: Never, if you don't shut up.
- Major Chip Hazard: [looks at the Commandos] Commandos! Ten-hut!
- Major Chip Hazard: [they started waking up] Commando Elite, fall in!
- [they started to get out of their boxes, as they started hoping in line]
- Major Chip Hazard: [he gives command to the soldiers] Sound off, soldiers!
- Butch Meathook: Butch Meathook, sniper. Lethal from any distance, sir.
- Major Chip Hazard: Good to have you aboard.
- Nick Nitro: Nick Nitro. Demolition is MY mission.
- Major Chip Hazard: Served with your father. He's a good man.
- Brick Bazooka: Brick Bazooka, artillery. Ready to go full bore, sir.
- Major Chip Hazard: Save it for the enemy.
- Link Static: Link Static, communications. Awaiting dispatch of orders, sir.
- Major Chip Hazard: Double up on your rations, Sparky.
- Kip Killagin: Kip Killagin, covert insurgent. Sharp as a razor, sir.
- Major Chip Hazard: Let me see that weapon.
- [he hands over the weapon, then breaks it]
- Major Chip Hazard: Standard issue is insufficient.
- Major Chip Hazard: [starts giving command] All right, ladies. Now listen, and listen good. Our mission: Destroy the gorgonite enemy. Defeat him.
- Butch Meathook, Nick Nitro, Brick Bazooka, Link Static, Kip Killagin: Yes, sir!
- Major Chip Hazard: There will be no mercy.
- Major Chip Hazard: [to the Commandos] First, the area. Secure new arms! Commandos, MOVE OUT!
- [they started moving out inside Alan's toy store]
- Christy Fimple: You rescued me!
- [Grabs Alan and gives him a passionate kiss]
- Alan: Anytime
- [Christy grabs Alan and gives him another passionate kiss]
- Christy Fimple: Lets go get those creeps!
- [first lines]
- Irwin Wayfair: He's here! He's early! He's not supposed to be here now. He said... okay, here's the copy of... check.
- Larry Benson: Pretty exciting, huh?
- Irwin Wayfair: I don't know. I think it's kinda sad, I mean you know Heartland Toys has a long tradition of bringing joy to kids, ya know? Gil Mars isn't going to care about any of that. He's just gonna care about profits. I think it sucks.
- Larry Benson: Welcome to Earth, Irwin. You may not be familiar with our company, but this is pretty much the way things work down here in the real world.
- Irwin Wayfair: Yeah, well the real world sucks.
- Chip Hazard: Tell us what we want to know.
- [starts turning on the machine, Alan hears Brick chucking]
- Archer: I am Archer, emissary of the Gorgonites.
- Alan: Archer?
- [Chip chuckles maniacally]
- Chip Hazard: Where are the rest of the Gorgonite scum?
- Brick Bazooka: We have ways of making you talk.
- [continues turning on the machine]
- Link Static: Come on, fella. Make it easy on yourself. If you tell us, we'll let you go.
- Chip Hazard: It will go easier for you if you cooperate.
- Archer: [repeatedly] I am Archer, emissary of the Gorgonites.
- Chip Hazard: All right. Let's dispose of this garbage.
- [still turning on the machine, Brick was still chuckling]
- Butch Meathook: [they saw Alan turned on the lights] Hey, it's the kid.
- Chip Hazard: Commandos, pull back! Retrograde movement!
- [they started to jump down, Brick chuckling]
- Brick Bazooka: Uh-oh!
- [Archer was still captured and was gonna get killed]
- Alan: Hey!
- [Alan races back to rescue Archer]
- Alan: [they hear a sound of whirr, and Nick shouts, Indistinct with a tool] Ow! You little...
- Alan: [hands over his tool] Give me that!
- Nick Nitro: Hey, that's mine, punk!
- [he cuts off the tool and saves him]
- Nick Nitro: [he lights up his match] Surrender, Gorgonite ally.
- Nick Nitro: [he grabs him] You just met your match.
- Alan: [blows the light out] Oh, yeah?
- Nick Nitro: Surrender or die-e-e!
- [screaming in pain]
- Nick Nitro: [he was stuck in the drain] Medic! Medic!
- [Nick Nitro was spining around injured in the sink]
- Nick Nitro: Medic!
- [still screaming in pain]
- Stuart Abernathy: [storms out in the kitchen] Oh, come out, you...
- [Alan saw Stuart holding a bat, shocked]
- Stuart Abernathy: Alan, what the hell is going on here?
- Alan: [looks at the sink] Um...
- Nick Nitro: [while Nick Nitro is in pain] Medic!
- Irene Abernathy: [worried] Alan, your hand! What happened?
- Stuart Abernathy: Did you cut your... How did you cut your hand? And what... what are you doing down here?
- Nick Nitro: [he gets out of the window] Medic!
- Nick Nitro: [then he falls off] O-o-oh!
- Larry Benson: Uh, Mr. Mars, hi. I just wanna assure to you that i... . I take full responsibility for all of this.
- Gil Mars: Yeah, right. Give me that
- [holding severed Major Chip head]
- Gil Mars: What were we charging for these things?
- Irwin Wayfair: Seventy-nine ninety-five.
- Gil Mars: Tell you what. Add a few zeros to the end of that number and get in touch with our military division. I know some rebels in South America who are gonna find these toys... very entertaining.