U.F.O.

Who thought this film was a good idea, written by 'comedian' roy 'chubby' brown it's a juxaposition of unfunny one liners and over the top performences on a set which looks like something designed on Blue Peter. The 'plot' has Chubby as himself, put on trial for sexism and for comments like 'i hope your tampon turns into an hedgehog' and 'what's the matter love? Have the greengrocers run out of cucumbers'. One has to wonder about the mentality of such an individual and for the individuals who would want to spend time and money watching this film. The worst crime of all is quality scripts are turned away and talented directors are ignored so companies can invest in offensive nonsense like this. As Empire Magazine said in it's review 'civilised filmgoers, dive for cultural lifeboats'.

And this was one. So I can't tell you the ending. I can only tell you that ten minutes in I was praying for the sweet oblivion of the grave to overtake me so I wouldn't have to endure another second of this. I thought I hated feminists. Turns out I like them more than I like Roy Chubby Brown, and this movie is the reason. When he's doing his own stand up he can do timing nearly as well as Bernard Manning, so he gets away with real filth. And he's funny. This film doesn't allow for any of that, and it's censored, so all you get is his unrelieved hatred of women, without any comic timing to make the jokes bearable, and be able to make you laugh. Not even once. It's the difference between being on a cruise ship deck and being down in the sluices, sliding around in the vomit from all the seasick people. Up on deck you might know that the ship has places you'd rather not go and spoil the cruise. This film is all sluice. And it would take weeks to wash it off. This film is an insult to the human condition. Watch it by choice only if you are on the edge of suicide and need something to push you over the edge with the sheer futility of human existence.

Roy "Chubby" Brown is a fat sexist pig living in squalor in the North East of England with a cartoon wife; therefore male-fantasy female aliens decide to teach him a lesson by beaming him up for a spot of poetic justice.

The watch word here is cheap: cheap laughs, cheap thrills, cheap jokes and even the spaceship looks like it was knocked together from 200 pounds of MFI corrugated iron! Given that the lead is a stand up comic considered too blue for TV our lead gives his gags straight to camera as if on-stage (example, how to make a Middlesbrough Omelette: "First steal two eggs...."). Visual gags are mostly of the toilet variety and at one stage a toilet is actually flush over Brown for him to spit out.

Brown himself seems happy to be a sad I-don't-care cartoon, often stripping to reveal his grossly overweight body; although he seems fussy about revealing his bald head which he hides with a flying helmet (why - don't ask me!) Women take their clothes of whenever the things lag and given the quality of material this is quite often. At several stages it seems to have nothing to do with what might be considered - for want of a more apt description - the plot.

While it is silly enough for late night TV after one beer too many, it is a shame that the script wasn't thrown to a few schoolboys for pointers as to how it could be improved...

To all the people who are offended by chubby and the way he feels and talks about women well we seem to have a prime minister who has the exact same attitude towards women as, Mr brown and no one seems to care about that but the difference is Mr Brown is funny but Mr J isn't and this, movie is the funniest thing in decades and if you don't laugh then you aren't breathing. Oh and by the way I've been to dozens of chubbys live shows over the years and there are always, more women there than men and they are also the ones laughing loudest and longest at his jokes. Too many people in this world these days who make a career out of been offended and maybe you should just get a life while you are still able. This is a definite 10.

" The following film contains bad language " said the announcer before U.F.O was broadcast . What he failed to mention was it also contains bad directing , bad acting and a really bad script . This is bad, pathetically bad . I`ll give you an example : a bunch of lads in a van take down their pants and stick their bare bottoms up against the windows to impress a bunch of bimbos driving by . The bimbos drive off and a car with a couple of nuns drives up alongside . Finished laughing ? Did you start laughing ? Did you smile ? Neither did I . I`ll give you another example of belly laughs in this laughfest: Roy " Chubby " Brown says to a jobsworth " The day I pay to get into one of my own shows is the day I show my arse in the front window of Woolworths " Guess what the next scene involves ? Oh you`ve seen U.F.O too ? You haven`t ? well in that case you`re bloody lucky because this is the British equivalent of FREDDY GOT FINGERED and I can`t describe how pathetic this is , there`s no sophistication to Brown`s humour , there is no humour to Brown`s humour which consists entirely of Brown saying the F and C words as often as he can . Compared to Chubby Brown Bernard Manning is a comic genius

Before anyone asks why I watched U.F.O if I don`t like Brown let me point out that I`ll watch a movie with the express view of commenting on it at this very website and I`ll happily watch pathetic crap because it`s easier to write about than a film I liked , this being the case all I will say this has been a very easy review to write because of the pathetic subject matter.

One very strange point though , most of the people who watched this and voted must have been fans of Brown in much the same way only Iron Maiden fans watched ROCK IN RIO or Pink Floyd fans watched THE WALL or U2 fans watched UNDER A BLOOD RED SKY , but ROCK IN RIO had an average vote of 9.3 , THE WALL had an average vote of 7.3 while UNDER A BLOOD RED SKY had an average vote of 7.9 . U.F.O has an average vote of 3.1 which seems to indicate the average Roy " Chubby " Brown fan thought this film was pathetic garbage too