Ring of the Musketeers

This made for TV movie may not be at the level of Shakespeare, but it doesn't have to be. It is meant to be light entertainment, in other words you don't have to think too hard. I watched it originally because John Paragon directed it. (He also has a small role as the air control supervisor). I re-watched it because it's just fun and a bit silly.

The only performers credited I recognized were John Rhys-Davies, David Hasselhoff, Corbin Bernsen and Cheech Marin. But it has several surprise performances in small parts. Keep an eye-out for Cassandra Peterson (Elvira), Edie McClurg, Lynne Marie Stewart (Pee Wee's Playhouse's Miss Yvonne), and Suzanne Kent (Pee Wee's Playhouse's Mrs. Rene).

Hopefully in a few years, "Ring Of The Musketeers" will become a cult classic. It has everything you want: David Hasselhoff "acting" and "singing", Cheech Marin being a Mexican stereotype, and lots more! The plot is about John Smith D'Artagnan played by The Hoff, who is a musketeer. Smith and his two other musketeers fight crime for a living. Smith seeks out the missing fourth musketeer, who is played by Cheech. The whole movie is fun. Cheech tells jokes, and The Hoff doesn't laugh. It's great. Hasselhoff thinks he's doing Shakespeare with this film. Watch it tonight Or buy it! I did!

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Even for David Hasselhoff this is bad--so achingly awful that "Knight Rider" seems like Shakespeare in comparison. To sum things up: Hasselhoff and some other lame people are the descendants of the original 4 Musketeers (their last names are even the same as the originals), and with the passing of the rings of their ancestors down through the generations has passed an obligation to "help" people. As silly as that sounds, the actual execution is even sillier. John Rhys Davies plays their equivalent to Charlie's Angel's Bosley, in such an overbearing, over-the-top fashion that you'd think when he assembles the team from all over the world to save a kidnapped child that he was assembling them to stop the destruction of the entire planet.

Hasselhoff's character, John Smith D'Artagnan, is a rock star who, in typical Hasselhoff direct-to-Germany fashion, stands on top of a truck at one point and holds an impromptu rock concert--which spontaneously draws hundreds of screaming adoring fans--ranging from young children to old ladies. He also has a little Van-Dyke type beard--kind of like Michael Knight's evil version, but a bit friendlier! Also, he walks around the modern day dressed in frilly shirts--you know... just to remind us that he's a Musketeer.

Alison Doody plays the hot female Musketeer, Ann Marie Athos(with suspiciously mid-1980's hair for the early-1990's),, who is a "Love Doctor" on the radio, when she's not wearing leather, riding a motorcycle, and saying phrases like "I want to take that punk down".

Thomas Gottschalk--Peter Porthos--is some slimy Eurotrash type who spends most of the movie staring at Athos' ass.

The newest Musketeer is Burt Aramis (Cheech Marin) who has been "found" with the 4th ring--which has apparently been lost since the time of the Civil War. Much of the drama of the later part of the movie has to do with him fitting into the Musketeers (Burt is a crook), except for the portion of that half of the movie which has to do with the gang taking down the same mobster who kidnapped the little boy in the first half of the movie.

If you insist on watching this, have a big container of Maalox to go along with your tub of popcorn.

Well, I definitely would NOT recommend this film to anyone who doesn't think bad movies are funny and/or someone who let's David Hasselhoff get on his nerves. If you however DO like bad movies then this is right up your, err, alley. This movie has it all...You even get to see Hasselhoff do a little musical number (I hear he's pretty popular in Germany). The rest of the cast is (also) so incredibly lame and corny, that by the time it ended, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. If you wanna waste 90 minutes of your life, go ahead. See it.