Prince of Jutland

I've been waiting so long to see "Royal Deceit" that I had almost given up hope of ever finding it at any video store. Then on-line film purchasing came along and all my prayers were answered. As I sat and finally witnessed that majesty and of the original Hamlet story, I couldn't help but be thoroughly moved by it. The leading players are marvelous, Christian Bale especially. I am a "Bale-head" and have seen every other one of his films. Everything the young actor touches deserves recognition as a work of true art. He only chooses the best subject matter and scripts. He should certainly be hailed as the best and most courageous actor of the millennium. A must for any Christian Bale fan, or for that matter any fan of true artistic film.

Before I watched this movie I quickly checked the user reviews, as I usually do, and was excited to see that it came from the source material for Hamlet. So I settled down with the dog and the popcorn. Half-way through I paused the movie and came back here to see if I could find out what the people who posted positive reviews were drinking or smoking because the movie I was watching was awful. From what I can tell it really, really, really, REALLY matters which version you are seeing. If it is not a very long movie, run away. Run. Very. Far. Away. The short version is a hacked up mess that makes no sense and the actors (except Byrne and Mirren and sometimes Bale) look wooden. And the 'crowd' scenes. Oh dear. (By the way this review would have been a lot shorter except for this odd length rule. Hope you weren't bored.)

I'm not quite sure how an 85 minute version of Amleth's story can seem longer than Kenneth Branaugh's five hour Hamlet, but somehow it does. Sadly, most of the time is yawningly empty except for lovely panoramics of the Danish countryside. The script is atrocious, making the rather dynamic Viking story of Amleth into some sort of whack emo coming of age story for (admittedly super hot) Christian Bale. Narration runs over the entire story (perhaps Brian Cox's turn in Adaptation was some sort of penance for being in this movie), but the scenes present are so badly shot one becomes grateful for skipping the rest via obnoxious voice-over.

So what gets this movie four stars? A fabulous cast, even if they are completely and entirely under-utilized. Brian Cox alone pretty much makes up for everything else lacking in the viewing experience. Helen Mirren's part is especially thin, but she does manage to get her top off, so core audience will be pleased. Christian Bale does well with a few moments where there actually are lines written, but his 'acting mad' schtick is tiresome, and unlike Helen, he doesn't get to show off topless (he is naked in one scene, but you see nothing... sigh). Kate Beckinsale is barely in the movie, but at least one can see the old nose, the old eyebrows, and the now missing freckles, and remember how cute as a button she used to be before she went Hollywood. Gabriel Byrne is mehh, mainly just sounding like an odd ripoff of Sean Bean. The real fun is his henchmen, a veritable cornucopia of 'where are they now' - we have Spud, Gollum, and Mr. Weasley! I can't honestly say that any of them have a part as written, but it's definitely worthwhile to see all of them so young (and in Serkis' case, thin!!!). Lastly, Batman Begins fans will be amused to see Tom Wilkinson cast as Bale's father, and remembering Wilkinson's 'they say he begged... like a dawg' line made a minute or two of this movie very nearly fun.

Movie is recommended if: you think Christian Bale is hot (100% satisfaction) you have to watch Brian Cox's filmography (78% satisfaction) you want to see Helen Mirren's golden globes (50% satisfaction) you are a Hamlet completist (60% satisfaction) you are planning a trip to Denmark (31% satisfaction)

Movie is NOT recommended if: you thought Cars was 'kinda draggy in the middle' (99% hatred) you have a Viking fetish (77% hatred) you like watching movies with a budget (65% hatred) you think Gabriel Byrne's redheaded accomplice is that guy from Dodgeball and First Knight (21% hatred) you just watched Underworld and want to see more of that Selene chick (40% hatred)

There was a 5 catalog titles for a dollar special, but the selection was terrible and I couldn't find a 5th title I hadn't seen that looked watchable. Finally, I stumbled across this movie. I'd never heard of it, but considering The Usual Suspects, Miller's Crossing, & The Cook, The Thief, His Wife, & Her Lover are some of my favorite movies, and Bale is also talented, I figured this should be a winner. Big mistake!

The writing was all around horrible. Generic 4th grade script where some things happened, but you could see them coming a mile away and even if you couldn't you still weren't given any reason to care. The movie was half over before Bale was sent off and it became remotely interesting. Bale did a great job considering he had nothing to work with, but that was the only positive of the movie. Byrne gave his usual professional performance, but the weakness in the scripting of his lines undermined it. Mirren tried, but her only scenes that could have had potential were in the first half when there was no emotion to be found anywhere else, so she almost seemed insincere in trying to bring some. Kate Beckinsale also made an appearance, but her part was basically just smiling at Bale, who quickly married her. Aside from the script, the movie was also filmed with all the style of the various Saturday WPIX TV series. 2/10

Call this Prince of Jutland, call it Royal Deceit, the only thing tragic about this film is the terrible waste of some very talented people. Christian Bale-heads in particular will be sad to see him in this retelling of the Hamlet legend from material presumably closer to the source, but stuck with a screenplay that hasn't an ounce of poetry and cinematography that wouldn't do for a TV movie of the week. Bale applies himself manfully, as does Gabriel Byrne, but one is embarrassed for them speaking thudding dialogue. Greatest embarrassment of all perhaps is rendered the great Helen Mirren who, like her co-stars, gives it her U.K. all, but is undermined by a tackiness of production and a cast of extras who mill around like location gawkers in medieval drag. Please. Spare us.