- Dark: Dear diary, what a day. I swear I've never been so depressed, miserable, and lonely in my entire life. It's like I know there's got to be somebody out there somewhere... just one person in this huge, horrible, unhappy universe who can hold me in their arms and tell me everything is going to be okay. And how long do I have to wait before that person shows up. I feel like I'm sinking deeper and deeper into quicksand... watching everyone around me die a slow, agonizing, death. It's like we all know way down in our souls that our generation is going to witness the end of everything. You can see it in our eyes. It's in mine, look. I'm doomed. I'm only 18 years-old and I'm totally doomed.
- Alyssa: Hey... Do you know what today is?
- Montgomery: Friday?
- Alyssa: No, dodo bird. It's Armageddon day. The day the world's supposed to end. Look, have you ever heard of the Rapture?
- Montgomery: The Siouxsie and the Banshees album?
- Valley Chick #1: Oh my god! Jujyfruit's party is tonight, and I have no clue who to go with.
- Valley Chick #2: What about Jason?
- Valley Chick #3: I'm going with Jason!
- Valley Chick #1: We could all go with Tomas!
- Valley Chick #3: I thought YOU were going with Tomas!
- Valley Chick #2: Tomas has a dinky weenie.
- Valley Chick #3: You did Tomas?
- Valley Chick #2: Ew! I'm sure, gross. I thought Jason was doing Tomas.
- Valley Chick #1: Jason's going out with that valley sluthole Eileen Schwatrzkoff.
- Valley Chick #3: Untrue! Says who?
- Valley Chick #1: Eileen.
- Valley Chick #3: And you believe her? Hello! She lives in Whittier!
- Valley Chick #2: If Jason did Eileen he must've done Richard!
- Valley Chick #1: Who's Richard?
- Valley Chick #2: Eileen's other scag, and she's totally into these kinko three ways!
- Valley Chick #3: Eileen... is... a... whore!
- Valley Chick #1: Is Richard the surfer with the hair lift who drives the black Jetta?
- Valley Chick #2: No. He's got a Lexus.
- Valley Chick #1: I thought he hung himself!
- Valley Chick #2: No! He's totally gorgeous. Plus, he's got a Lexus.
- Valley Chick #1: Is he gay?
- Valley Chick #2: Who? Jason?
- Valley Chick #3: Richard?
- Valley Chick #1: Tomas!
- Valley Chick #3: Well, duh! What do you think, dingle berry?
- Dark's Mom: Uh! It's soggy as a wet armpit in here. How long were you in that shower abusing yourself? You pump your handle too much, young man. If you keep this up, one day it's just going to wither up and fall off!
- Dark Smith: Shut-up shut-up shut-up shut-up!
- Zero: Don't steal the car, my mom'll kill me.
- Atari Gang Member: Yeah? Well, tell your mom I said thanks for the bitchin' wheels, bitch.
- Alyssa: [after stuffing their faces with cake] Uh, I am so stuffed. Are you gonna... you know... upchuck?
- Dingbat: I promised my mom that I wouldn't do that anymore. You?
- Alyssa: I'm just gonna do a bunch of speed later and not eat for, like... three days. What about you, Egg?
- Egg: I'm gonna be sick...
- Mel: Isn't sex the best tension release there is? It's like a really good sweaty game of racquetball. Except you get to come at the end.
- Alyssa: Have you ever wondered what would happen if the big earthquake hit? And all the nuclear power plants in California blew up? I mean... What would they do with the hundreds of thousands of dead bodies?
- Handjob: Hey, you want anything, man? Up? Down? All around?
- Dark: Nah, I'm just blowing. It's been a narly day. It's almost two in the morning and in the past 18 hours, I've seen four people get abducted by a space alien, watched Ducky trying to drown himself, and spent like 387 bucks on CD's at Erin's.
- Handjob: Oh, well what CD's did you score?
- Dark's Mom: Dark, are you in there? Hurry up. I need to wash this crap off my face.
- Dark: I'll be out in a minute.
- Dark's Mom: Honey, I have to rot my life away in a 9-to-5 hellhole to support your lazy, juvenile delinquent ass, remember?
- Dark: Give me a minute.
- Dark's Mom: Dark? Honey? Doll? My little ray of sunshine? Open up this mother-humping door NOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!