James Woods, Danny DeVito, Matt Frewer, Bobcat Goldthwait, Amanda Plummer, Rip Torn, Samantha Eggar, Tate Donovan, Josh Keaton, Roger Bart, Jim Cummings, Paddi Edwards, Susan Egan, Cheryl Freeman, LaChanze, Roz Ryan, Paul Shaffer, Carole Shelley, Vanéese Y. Thomas, and Lillias White in Hércules (1997)

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Hércules

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Hades: I can't believe this guy! I throw everything I've got at him, and it doesn't even...
[Hades notices Pain is wearing Air-Hercs]
Hades: What... are... those?
Pain: Um, I don't know. I-I thought they looked kinda dashing...
Hades: [slowly burns up] I've got 24 hours to get rid of this... bozo, or the entire scheme I've been setting up for 18 years goes up in smoke, and YOU ARE WEARING HIS MERCHANDISE?
[Hades hears a noise, and sees Panic slurping some "Herculade"]
Panic: [chuckles nervously] Thirsty?
[Hades screams, and blows up a volcano]

Pain, Panic: [disguised as kids trapped in a rockslide] Somebody call IX-I-I.

Hercules: Uh, so how'd you get stuck with the...
Meg: Pinhead with hooves? Well, you know how men are. They think "No" means "Yes" and "Get lost" means "Take me, I'm yours."
[Hercules doesn't understand]
Meg: Don't worry, maybe Shorty here can explain it to ya.

Titans: [freed from their prison] Crush Zeus! Freeze Zeus! Melt Zeus! And blow him away! Zeus! Zeus! Zeus! Zeus!
Hades: Uh, guys? Olympus would be that way.
[points behind him]

Hercules: Aren't you... a damsel in distress?
Meg: I'm a damsel, I'm in distress, I can handle this. Have a nice day.

Hercules: All I know is, you're the most amazing person with - weak ankles, I've ever met. Meg, when I'm with you, I don't feel so - alone.
Meg: Sometimes it's better to be alone.
Hercules: What do you mean?
Meg: Nobody can hurt you.

Panic: He's not gonna be happy when he gets outta there.
Pain: You mean, IF he gets outta there.
Panic: 'If.' If is good.

Hercules: You know, wh-when I was a kid, I-I would have given anything to be exactly like everybody else.
Meg: You wanted to be petty and dishonest?
Hercules: Everybody's not like that.
Meg: Yes, they are.
Hercules: You're not like that.
Meg: How do you know what I'm like?

Zeus: Fine work, my boy! You've done it! You're a true hero.
Hera; Hercules' Mother: You were willing to give your life to rescue this young woman.
Zeus: For a true hero isn't measured by the size of his strength, but by the strength of his heart.

Meg: Look, it wasn't my fault. It was this wonder boy, Hercules.
[Hades is shocked]
Panic: Hercules. Why does that name ring a bell?
Pain: I don't know. Um, maybe we owe him money?
Hades: What... was that name... again?
Meg: Hercules.
[an enraged Hades snarls]
Meg: He comes on with this big, innocent farm boy routine, but I could see through that in a Peloponnesian minute.
Pain: Wait a minute. Wasn't Hercules the name of that kid we were supposed to...?
Panic, Pain: OH, MY GODS!
Pain: Run for it!
[Hades seizes them and chokes them]
Hades: So you took care of him, huh? "Dead as a doornail." Weren't those your exact words?
Pain: This might be a different Hercules!
Panic: Yeah. I mean, Hercules is a...
[Hades chokes him]
Panic: Very popular name nowadays.
Pain: Remember, like, a few years ago, every other boy was named Jason and the girls were all named Brittany?
Hades: I'm about to rearrange the cosmos... and the one schlemiel who can louse it up... is waltzing around IN THE WOODS!

Zeus: So, Hades, you finally made it. How are things in the underworld?
Hades: Well, they're just fine. You know, a little dark, a little gloomy. And, as always, hey, full of dead people. What are you gonna do?

Meg: Megara. My friends call me Meg; at least they would if I had any friends. So- did they give *you* a name along with all those rippling pectorals?

The Fates: In 18 years precisely / The planets will align ever so nicely.
Hades: Ay, verse. Oy.
The Fates: The time to act will be at hand / Unleash the Titans, your monstrous band.
Hades: Mmm-hmm. Good, good.
The Fates: Then the once-proud Zeus will finally fall / And you, Hades, will rule all!
Hades: YES! Hades rules!
The Fates: But a word of caution to this tale...
Hades: Excuse me?
The Fates: Should Hercules fight, you will fail.
[they laugh and disappear]
Hades: WHAAAT?... Okay, fine, fine. I'm cool. I'm fine.

Hercules: Meg, why did you... You didn't have to...
Meg: People do crazy things... when they're in love.

[Hercules has been trying to kill the hydra, which now has umpteen heads]
Phil: Will you forget the head-slicing thing?

Zeus: Aw, Hades, don't be such a stiff. Join the celebration.
Hades: Love to, Babe. But unlike you gods lounging about up here, I regretfully have a full-time job that you, by the way, so charitably bestowed on me, Zeus. So, can't. Love to, but can't.

[Pegasus blows the flames off Hades' head]
Hades: Whoa. Is my hair out?

Meg: [singing] If there's a prize for rotten judgment/ I guess I've already won that/ No man is worth the aggravation/ That's ancient history, been there, done that!

Meg: I'm a big tough girl. I tie my own sandals and everything.

Hermes: Fabulous party. You know, I haven't seen this much love in a room since Narcissus discovered himself.

Hades: Pain!
Pain: Coming, your most lugubriousness.
Hades: Panic!
Panic: Oh, sorry. I can handle it.
[Runs down the stairs; trips and crashes into Pain; they tumble down the stairs; Pain is now stuck to Panic's horns]
Pain: Pain - Ow!
Panic: And Panic - eechk!
Pain, Panic: ...reporting for duty!
Hades: Fine, fine, fine. Just inform me the minute the Fates arrive.
Panic: Oh, they're here!
Hades: [shouting] WHAT? The Fates were here and you didn't tell me?
Pain, Panic: [grovel] We are worms!
[as they grovel, they turn into worms]
Pain, Panic: Worthless worms!
Hades: Memo to me, Memo to me: Maim you after my meeting.

Hades: I'm sorry. You mind runnin' that by me again? I must have had a chunk of brimstone wedged in my ear or something...
Meg: Then read my lips - forget it!
Hades: Meg, Meg, Meg, my sweet deluded little minion. Aren't we forgetting one teensy-weensy, but ever so crucial, little tiny detail?
[Hades explodes into flames]
Hades: I OWN YOU!

Hades: Name's Hades, Lord of the dead. Hi, how ya doin'?

Meg: Is Wonder Boy here for real?
Phil: What are you talkin' about? Of course he's real.
[Phil gets a proper look at Meg]
Phil: Whoa! And by the way, sweet cheeks... I'm real, too!

Young Hercules: But, Father, I've defeated every single monster I've come up against. I-I'm... I'm the most famous person in all of Greece. I'm... I-I'm an action figure!
Zeus: I'm afraid being famous isn't the same as being a *true* hero.
Young Hercules: What more can I do?
Zeus: It's something you have to discover for yourself.
Young Hercules: But, how can I...
Zeus: Look inside - your heart.

Meg: Looks like your game's over. Wonder Boy's hitting every curve you throw at him.
Hades: [simpers] Oh, yeah.
[chuckles fiendishly]
Hades: I wonder if maybe I haven't been throwing the right curves at him, Meg, my sweet.
Meg: Don't even go there.
Hades: See, he's gotta have a weakness, because everybody's got a weakness. I mean, for what? Pandora, it was the box thing. For the Trojans, hey, they bet on the wrong horse, okay? We simply need to find out Wonder Boy's.
Meg: I've done my part. Get your little imps...
Hades: They couldn't handle him as a baby. I need somebody who can... handle him as a man.
Meg: Hey, I've sworn off manhandling.
Hades: Well, you know, that's good because that's what got you into this jam in the first place, isn't it? You sold your soul to me to save your boyfriend's life. And how does this creep thank you? By running off with some babe. He hurt you real bad, didn't he, Meg? Huh?
Meg: Look, I learned my lesson, okay?
Hades: Which is exactly why I got a feelin' you're gonna leap at my new offer.
[hands her a Hercules urn]
Hades: You give me the key to bringing down Wonder Breath, and I give you the thing that you crave most in the entire cosmos: your freedom.
[Meg drops the urn]

Hercules: You like making deals. Take me in Meg's place.
Hades: Hmm. The son of my hated rival trapped forever in a river of death.
Hercules: Going once...
Hades: Is there a downside to this?
Hercules: Going twice...
Hades: Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. You get her out. She goes, you stay.
[Hercules dives in to save Megara]
Hades: Oh, you know what slipped my mind? You'll be dead before you can get to her. That's not a problem, is it?

Meg: Thanks for everything, Herc. It's been a real slice.

Calliope: We are the Muses, goddesses of the arts and proclaimers of heroes.
Terpsichore: Heroes like Hercules.
Thalia: Honey, you mean "Hunk-ules!" Ooh, I'd like to make some sweet music with him.
Calliope: Our story actually begins long before Hercules was born, many eons ago.

[first lines]
Narrator: Long ago, in the faraway land of ancient Greece, there was a golden age of powerful gods and extraordinary heroes. And the greatest and strongest of all these heroes was the mighty Hercules. But what is the measure of a true hero? Ah, that is what our story is...
Thalia: Will you listen to him? He's makin' the story sound like some Greek tragedy.
Terpsichore: Lighten up, dude.
Calliope: We'll take it from here, darling.
Narrator: You go, girl.

Hades: [after credits] What d'ya say? It's happy ending time! Everybody's got a little taste of somethin' but me! I got nothin'! I'm, I'm here with nothin'! Anybody listenin'? It's like I'm... What am I, an echo or something? Hello? Hello? Am I talking to, what, hyperspace? Hello, it's me! Nobody listens.

Hades: Hercules, stop! You can't do this to me, you can't...
[Hercules punches Hades in the face]
Hades: Fine, okay, well I deserved that.

Phil: I trained all those would-be heroes. Odysseus, Perseus, Theseus. Alota sseus's! And every one of those bums let me down flatter than a discus. None of them could go the distance. And then, there was Achilles. Now there was a guy who had it all: the build, the foot-speed. He could jab! He could take a hit! He could keep on comin'! BUT THAT FORSLUGGINER HEEL OF HIS! He barely gets nicked there once, and kaboom! He's history. Yeah, I had a dream once. I dreamed I would train the greatest hero there ever was. So great, the gods would hang a picture of him in the stars for everyone to see. And everyone would say, "That's Phil's boy." That's right... Ah, but dreams are for rookies. A guy can only take so much disappointment.

Hades: Here's the trade off: you give up your strengths for about 24 hours, okay, say, the next 24 hours and Meg here is free as a bird. And say, from tomorrow, we dance, we kiss, we schmooze, we carry on, we go home happy. What do you say? Come on.

Meg: Think your nanny goat would go berserk if you played hooky this afternoon?
Hercules: Oh gee, I don't know. Phil has the rest of the day pretty much booked.
Meg: Aw, Phil, Schmil. Just follow me, out the window, round the dumbells, you lift up the back wall and we're gone.

Hercules: Uh, uh, uh, I'm, um, uh, uh, uh...
Meg: Are you always this articulate?
Hercules: Hercules. My... my name is Hercules.
Meg: Herc... huh. I think I prefer Wonder Boy.

Hades: Ladies. Hah. I am so sorry that I'm...
The Fates, The Fates, The Fates: Late.
The Fates: We knew you would be.
The Fates: We know everything.
The Fates: Past.
The Fates: Present.
The Fates: And future.
The Fates: [aside, to Pain] Indoor plumbing. It's gonna be big.
Hades: Right, anyway ladies, I was at this party and I lost all track of ti...
The Fates, The Fates, The Fates: We know!
Hades: I KNOW, you know. Anyway, Zeus... Mr. High and Mighty, Mr. "Hey You Get Off Of My Cloud", now he has...
The Fates: A bouncing baby brat!
The Fates, The Fates, The Fates: WE KNOW!
Hades: I KNOW YOU KNOW! I got it, I got the concept!

Meg: He comes on with his big, innocent farm boy routine, but I could see through that in a Peloponnesian minute.

Hades: Stirring performances, boys. I was really moved.
Panic: "Jeepers, Mister"?
Pain: I was going for innocence.

Zeus: You ought to slow down. You'll work yourself to death. Hah! Work yourself to death!
[Everyone including Zeus starts to laugh]
Zeus: [sits on his throne] Oh, I kill myself!
Hades: [to himself] If only. If only.

Hades: If I say I want Wonder Boy's head on a platter, you say...?
Meg: [without much enthusiasm] Medium or well done?

Hades: How sentimental. You know, I haven't been this choked up since I got a hunk of moussaka caught in my throat.
[a moment of silence occurs]
Hades: So this is an audience or a mosaic?

Hades: Zeusy, I'm home!
Zeus: Hades, you are behind THIS?
Hades: You are correct, sir!

Hercules: People are... are gonna get hurt, aren't they?
Hades: Nah. I mean, it's, you know, it's a possibility. It happens 'cause, you know, it's war, but what can I tell ya. Anyway, what do you owe these people, huh?

[singing about Hercules's fame and success]
Thalia: They slapped his face on every vase.
[Terpsichore hits her in the head]
Terpsichore: On every *vah*se.

Hercules: Pardon me. It seems to me that what you folks need is a hero.
Tall Thebian: Yeah? And who are you?
Hercules: I'm Hercules, and I happen to be... a hero.
[All laugh]
Elderly Thebian: Is that so? Have you ever saved a town before?
Hercules: Uh... no, not exactly. But...
Tall Thebian: Have you ever reversed a natural disaster?
Hercules: Well... no.
Tall Thebian: Will you listen to this? He's just another chariot chaser. This we need.

Phil: Rule number 95, kid: concentrate.
[Hercules misses the target and pins Phil against the wall with his knives]
Phil: Rule number 96: aim!

[Meg encounters a rabbit and a gopher in the woods]
Meg: Aw, how cute. A couple of rodents lookin' for a theme park.
Pain: [as rabbit] Who are you callin' a rodent, sister? I'm a bunny.
Panic: [as chipmunk] A-And I'm his gopher.

Hades: Pain. Panic. Got a little riddle for ya. How do you kill a god?
Pain: [sounds assertive at first] I do not... know.
Panic: You can't... they're immortal?
Hades: Bingo, they're immortal. So the first thing we gotta do is make the little sunspot... mortal.

Meg: [singing] Ohhhhh, at least out loud I won't say I'm in love.

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