- Martian Translator Device: All green of skin... 800 centuries ago, their bodily fluids include the birth of half-breeds. For the fundamental truth self-determination of the cosmos, for dark is the suede that mows like a harvest.
- General Decker: What the Hell does that mean?
- President Dale: I want the people to know that they still have two out of three branches of the government working for them, and that ain't bad.
- [President Dale makes one last appeal to the Martians]
- President Dale: Why... are you doing this? Why? Isn't the universe big enough... for both of us? What is wrong with you people? We could work together. Why be enemies? Because we're different? Is that why? Think of the things that we could do. Think how *strong* we would be! Earth... and Mars... together. There is nothing that we could not accomplish. Think about it! *Think* about it! Why destroy... when you can create? We can have it all or we can smash it all! Why can't we... work out our differences? Why can't we... work things out? Little people... why can't we all just... get along?
- [the Martian Leader sheds a single tear. Dale smiles to himself, impressed. The Martian Leader approaches him and shakes hands with Dale. Then, the Martian Leader's hand detaches from his arm]
- President Dale: What's this?
- [the hand proceeds to crawl all over Dale's body. At the small of his back, it stabs through his body. Dale collapses to the ground, dead. From his dead body, a flag raises from where Dale was stabbed: a Martian flag]
- [watching a Martian on TV]
- First Lady: [after seeing the Martians for the first time] I'm not allowing that thing in my house.
- President Dale: Sweetie, we may have to. The people expect me to meet with them.
- First Lady: Well, they're not going to eat off the Van Buren china.
- Richie Norris: I want to thank my Grandma for always being so good to me, and, and for helping save the world and everything.
- Grandma Florence Norris: [as Taffy is awarding her the Congressional Medal of Honor] Thank you, honey. But don't you dare let anything like this happen again.
- Billy Glenn Norris: Bye-bye, Grandma.
- Grandma Florence Norris: Goodbye, Thomas.
- Billy Glenn Norris: It's Billy Glenn, Grandma.
- Grandma Florence Norris: I know, Thomas.
- Richie Norris: I bet you're psyched about the Martians coming, Grandma? I mean, you've seen a lot of crazy stuff already. Everyone must have been real scared when they invented the train!
- Grandma Florence Norris: Come on, kid, I'm not that old!
- Professor Donald Kessler: We know they're extremely advanced technologically, which suggests - very rightfully so - that they're peaceful. An advanced civilization, by definition, is not barbaric.
- General Casey: [talking on the phone] Hello? This is General Casey. I get to meet the Martian Ambassador! Ain't that great? Oh, it's a hell of an honor. But didn't I always tell you, honey, if I just stayed in place and never spoke up, good things are bound to happen. Yeah... Okay.
- [makes kissing noises and hangs up the phone]
- [challenging a Martian to a fistfight]
- Byron Williams: No weapons! No tricks! Just you and me! Byron Williams! The heavyweight champion of the world!
- Rude Gambler: Hey! You're Tom Jones, right? "It ain't unusual"? Hey Tom, Tom! Can I have an autograph? Anyone got a pen?
- Richie Norris: [after watching the Martians kill Congress on TV] Why did they do that?
- Hispanic woman at donut shop: Maybe they no liking the human being.
- Gen. Decker: [in the White House] They don't know what the Hell they're talking about. Liberals! Intellectuals! Peacemongers! IDIOTS!
- Taffy Dale: [opening her bedroom door in the background and coming out of her bedroom] Would you please keep it down? People live here!
- [goes back inside her bedroom and closes the bedroom door]
- Barbara Land: Hello, my name is Barbara.
- AA Meeting: Hello, Barbara.
- Barbara Land: I am an alcoholic, but I haven't had a drink in three months!
- [pitching a hotel/casino idea]
- Art Land: If the Martians land, they're gonna need a place to stay. Just like everybody else.
- Barbara Land: Know anyone who can fly a plane?
- Byron Williams: Yeah, your husband Art.
- Barbara Land: No... he's dead. I told him this was gonna happen.
- Richie Norris: The Martians just blew up the donut shop!
- Richie's Dad: Well, if they come around here, we'll blast them back into space!
- Sue Ann Norris: I'll tell ya one thing. They sure ain't gettin' the TV!
- [grabs it protectively]
- Richie Norris: Should I go get Grandma?
- Richie's Dad: Oh, forget Grandma! She's halfway into space already!
- President Dale: General Decker, if you do not shut up, I am going to relieve you of your command.
- Gen. Decker: We have to strike now, sir! Annihilate! Kill! Kill! Kill!
- President Dale: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
- Billy Glenn Norris: [about to get on the bus to leave for the Army, to his brother, Richie] So long, retard.
- Professor Donald Kessler: [as the Martians disintegrate Congress] Mr. Ambassador, please! What are you doing? This doesn't make sense! It's not logical! It's not -
- [a Martian knocks Kessler out cold]
- [Louise, on the Metro bus, notices her two sons, Cedric and Neville, playing Flesh Eaters at the video game arcade]
- Louise Williams: Excuse me, folks. We've got to make an unscheduled STOP!
- [she stops the bus at the video game arcade; Cedric and Neville look at their mother]
- Neville Williams: Oh, man! It's Mama!
- [Louise gets out of the bus and walks to her two sons, angry]
- Louise Williams: What are you doing here, huh? If you ain't gonna come home, why aren't you in class? Huh?
- [grabs Cedric]
- Cedric Williams: Mama, because class was cancelled!
- Louise Williams: Class was NOT cancelled!
- Cedric Williams: Yes, it was!
- Louise Williams: [to Neville] Will you come here!
- Neville Williams: For what?
- Louise Williams: Come here, I'm not gonna hurt you now, come here.
- Neville Williams: Let go of him.
- Louise Williams: [lets go of Cedric] Okay. Now, just come here. Come here.
- [Neville comes to her; she grabs Cedric and Neville, angry]
- Louise Williams: Do you think you're smart to cut school, huh? Do you?
- Neville Williams: What are you doing?
- Louise Williams: Do you? Huh? Huh?
- Cedric Williams: No!
- Louise Williams: No, Mama, because it's dumb! You're gonna flunk and you all go to jail!
- Neville Williams: No!
- Cedric Williams: Mama, no! We haven't!
- Louise Williams: [pushes her two sons into the bus] Get your own place! Get your butt on that place! Get on that bus, boy!
- [Cedric and Neville get on the bus, angry]
- Louise Williams: Yeah, I'll be tripping all over you! You get back there and I don't want to hear another word out of you, do you hear me?
- [all the people on the bus cheer]
- Cedric Williams: I hate school!
- Louise Williams: I heard that!
- [Neville and Cedric sit in the back of the bus; she starts the bus, leaving]
- Billy Glenn Norris: Die, you alien shithead!
- [prepares to shoot, but a Martian notices him and Billy Glenn Norris looks at it]
- Billy Glenn Norris: Uh-oh.
- [drops his gun and holds up a flag]
- Billy Glenn Norris: I surrender!
- [the Martian disintegrates Billy Glenn Norris with a ray gun]
- Jason Stone: [to Jerry Ross] When the Martians land, will the press have access? Can we do interviews?
- [the Martians have broken into the War Room and Decker approaches them, holding two pistols]
- General Decker: You think you can do anything you want. You can't. Because we are human beings. And we have the United States Army that'll fight you to the last man! And we'll never surrender! Do you hear me?
- [the Martian Leader uses a shrinking ray to begin miniaturizing Decker, who does not seem to care or even notice]
- General Decker: [voice rising in pitch as he gets smaller and smaller] We'll fight you on the beaches. We'll fight you in the streets. We will never, never surrender! We will win!
- [Decker is now smaller than the Martian Leader's foot]
- General Decker: Democracy will survive! We will never, ever surrender! We will win! The eagle will be triumphant!
- [the Martian Leader raises his foot and stomps on Decker, crushing him]
- Jason Stone: [reporting in Pahrump, NV, where the Martians are landing] The teeming masses have gathered from who knows how many states. Waiting and watching. Why have they come? Curiosity? Or is it something more? Or is it simply to say "I was there. I was there when first man met Martian." Jason Stone, GNN. Pahrump.
- Byron Williams: Barbara, you all right?
- Barbara Land: Huh? I need a drink...
- Rude Gambler: You and me both, baby!