La torre del terror

To me, I know what to expect when I see a video box that has a woman on the front cover wearing a bra and holding a machine gun, along with a 4-Star Rating from Joe Bob Briggs. It always amazes me that people rent this stuff, apparently expecting Bergman or something, and THEN decide they have to write negative reviews denouncing the overall silliness, bad acting, cheap production values and amount of nudity and/or violence. To me, HARD TO DIE delivered exactly what it promised on the box...action, blood, babes, machine guns, Corman references (this is, after all, a New Horizons video) and loads of cheesy fun.

Five scantily-clad young women (Gail Harris, Karen Mayo-Chandler, Deborah Dutch, Melissa Moore and Bridget Carney) are hired to work a temp inventory job at "Acme Lingerie" in a closed down for the night high-rise. They all get naked in a touching group shower scene that alludes to the powers of female bonding (HA!), try on the new Fall lineup of underwear, then accidentally open a "soul box" containing the spirit of Hockstetter, the notorious "sorority house killer" (last seen in Wynorski's similar SORORITY HOUSE MASSACRE 2). Someone in the group becomes possessed by the evil spirit and starts killing the others with a hook. Thankfully there's an armory shop in the same building, so the surviving girls get to defend themselves with high-powered machine guns! Big Peter Spellos returns from SHM2 as hulking Orville Ketchum, who is mistaken for the killer and outlives a dozen or so knees to the crotch, stabbings and gunshots (not to mention a fall off the roof!).

If you decide to take these zany proceedings seriously, that is your choice, but approached in the right state of mind, it's often hilarious. There's B-movie ingenuity at work here in this silly time-waster. It is action, nudity and in-joke packed and the ladies are all all pretty fun and energetic, so it's fine viewing for the audience intended. If you do not like these films, simply do yourself a favor and stop watching them.

Hard to Die (1990)

** (out of 4)

Unofficial third film in the SORORITY HOUSE MASSACRE series features most of the same cast as the second film, although they're all in new roles (obviously). The story is pretty simple as five ladies dressed in lingerie's must fight off a killer while trapped inside a skyscraper. HARD TO DIE is a pretty silly and over-the-top film that is quite campy from the first scene to the last but what else would you expect from director Jim Wynorski? Like the previous film, this one here has a few confusing moments dealing with a completely different series. The Orville Ketchum (Peter Spellos) character from the previous film is introduced here as the "suspect" from the "previous events" but when he tells the story of what happened that night, instead of using clips from SORORITY HOUSE MASSACRE II they instead use clips from THE SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE. I'm not exactly sure why this was done as the story here perfectly concludes what happened at the end of the previous one but oh well. As for HARD TO DIE, it's a fairly entertaining movie as long as you don't take it too serious. The five actresses obviously all have big boobs and they're constantly shaking around throughout the 78-minute running time. The actresses are all good for what they're asked to do and this includes one of the most obvious "shower scenes" in the history of horror movies. Forrest J. Ackerman has a brief bit as does Wynorski who plays a porn director. Spellos is a lot of fun as the suspected killer who is constantly scaring the girls no matter what he's doing. There's a long-running gag dealing with him scaring the girls, which is pretty funny and we get an even longer running gag dealing with his constantly being shot, beaten, stabbed and yet he can never die. The gore level isn't all that high and you never really see any deaths on screen as we usually just hear a scream and then blood being splashed on the wall. The film eventually runs out of steam and especially when you consider this is pretty much just the previous movie only just set in a skyscraper. Either way, fans of trashy and silly direct-to-video movies should get a few laughs out of it.

In the 80's and early 90's, one couldn't do any better for entertaining movie mega-cheese than Jim Wynorski or Fred Olen Ray. Ironically enough after the two collabreated on "Hollywood Scream Queen Hot Tub Party", neither's subsquesent movies were as entertaining. But I Digress, anyway this Wynorski film is about 5 girls doing inventory and stumbling on a puzzle box that contains the spirit of the guy from "Sorority House Massacre 2", but featuring clips from "Slumber Party Massacre" So of course they take turns showering, making insipid comments, running around in lingerie, and getting killed by a maniac. In short, great cheesy goodness.

My Mega-Cheese Grade: B

DVD Extras: Theatrical Trailer; Trailers for "Don't Sleep Alone", "Concealed Weapons", and 1997's "Expose"

Eye Candy: nearly all of the actresses get nude, take showers, or both

The art of motion pictures is young, but in lieu of the fact that this ground breaking film was made so early on, one can only look ahead to a bright future on the silver screen. Really, only three films come to mind: Dr. Zhivago, Casablanca, and Hard to Die.

Perhaps it was the buckets of watered-down blood, the squeak of a naked breast being washed in an arbitrary shower scene, or the powerful screen presence of the acting giant "Orville Ketchum." Whatever it may be, it made me laugh, it made me cry, it made me fall in love.

I am proud to say that I own a grainy, low quality copy of this piece of cinematic genius.

Pretty good, mindless fun; better than part II was.

A group of four (or three, or five, depending on the scene) scantily clad, large-breasted babes open a box from hell, and unleash a familiar demonic killer in plaid, who proceeds to wreck havoc in the high rise office building they're working in late one night. They open another crate, from which two more scantily clad babes fall out of and onto the floor. They finally realise that something isn't quite right, so turn to conveniently located high powered weaponry to stop this murderous fruitcake in plaid.

The sprinkler system goes off, just as an excuse to turn it into basically a wet t-shirt contest, and give the girls an excuse to shower. Not that there is anything wrong with that, however. The same lightning flashes from Sorority House Massacre II, which was lifted from Gilligan's Island, are reused again here for mood lighting.

This is a bit of moronic fun, better than part I and II (Sorority House Massacre I and II) were, but it still can't quite reach the same levels of high camp that it wants to, and ends up being a bit too silly for its own good. Not to mention long. But, any movie with Robyn Harris in a nightie is well worth watching.