La torre del terror

To me, I know what to expect when I see a video box that has a woman on the front cover wearing a bra and holding a machine gun, along with a 4-Star Rating from Joe Bob Briggs. It always amazes me that people rent this stuff, apparently expecting Bergman or something, and THEN decide they have to write negative reviews denouncing the overall silliness, bad acting, cheap production values and amount of nudity and/or violence. To me, HARD TO DIE delivered exactly what it promised on the box...action, blood, babes, machine guns, Corman references (this is, after all, a New Horizons video) and loads of cheesy fun.

Five scantily-clad young women (Gail Harris, Karen Mayo-Chandler, Deborah Dutch, Melissa Moore and Bridget Carney) are hired to work a temp inventory job at "Acme Lingerie" in a closed down for the night high-rise. They all get naked in a touching group shower scene that alludes to the powers of female bonding (HA!), try on the new Fall lineup of underwear, then accidentally open a "soul box" containing the spirit of Hockstetter, the notorious "sorority house killer" (last seen in Wynorski's similar SORORITY HOUSE MASSACRE 2). Someone in the group becomes possessed by the evil spirit and starts killing the others with a hook. Thankfully there's an armory shop in the same building, so the surviving girls get to defend themselves with high-powered machine guns! Big Peter Spellos returns from SHM2 as hulking Orville Ketchum, who is mistaken for the killer and outlives a dozen or so knees to the crotch, stabbings and gunshots (not to mention a fall off the roof!).

If you decide to take these zany proceedings seriously, that is your choice, but approached in the right state of mind, it's often hilarious. There's B-movie ingenuity at work here in this silly time-waster. It is action, nudity and in-joke packed and the ladies are all all pretty fun and energetic, so it's fine viewing for the audience intended. If you do not like these films, simply do yourself a favor and stop watching them.

The art of motion pictures is young, but in lieu of the fact that this ground breaking film was made so early on, one can only look ahead to a bright future on the silver screen. Really, only three films come to mind: Dr. Zhivago, Casablanca, and Hard to Die.

Perhaps it was the buckets of watered-down blood, the squeak of a naked breast being washed in an arbitrary shower scene, or the powerful screen presence of the acting giant "Orville Ketchum." Whatever it may be, it made me laugh, it made me cry, it made me fall in love.

I am proud to say that I own a grainy, low quality copy of this piece of cinematic genius.

This mountain of melted cheddar is dumb, dumb fun. Director/producer Wynorski (who also helmed the raucously cheesy Chopping Mall) proves himself to be the unsung B-movie hero. Wynorski's films win because he creates schlock that believes in itself. This production doesn't have an air of superiority. It carries its ludicrous premise with a conspicuous joie de vivre and at a boisterous pace, all while avoiding the doldrums of self-parody. Wynorski also succeeds in that his intentionally funny and over-the-top ending is actually funny. He thus accomplishes the rather difficult task of creating a film that people will laugh at AND laugh with.

This film is actually the third entry in the Sorority House Massacre series, but stands just fine on its own (I've never seen the two preceding SHMs). It may be the best of the trilogy, downplaying the derivative slasher element that defined the first two films and instead taking an exuberant action-horror-comedy slant (the title, in case it wasn't obvious, is an obvious spoof of Die Hard). Just the image of our trashy-lingerie-wearing, bloody-breasted heroines brandishing automatic firearms is enough to alight the predilections of any cult film fan.

Jim Wynorski's movies are, frankly, beyond criticism. They don't pretend to be anything other than what they are--an excuse to see beautiful women naked. That's it. Nothing else. No messages, no points to ponder, no pleas for peace, love and brotherhood. Just gorgeous women in varying and frequent stages of nudity. Wynorski, unlike many directors of this type of flick, actually has a sense of humor and salts his films liberally with it. This one is a bit different than usual, but not much. It has great looking women, nudity, guns, nudity, blood, nudity, a fat guy, nudity (not the fat guy's, thankfully), and, on top of all of that, nudity. If that's what you're looking for, this film delivers. The girls aren't good--or even competent--actresses, but then again, they're not supposed to be. They're there to giggle, look scared, run around in lingerie and take their clothes off, and they do all that quite well. You rent a Jim Wynorski movie pretty much knowing what you're going to get, and he seldom disappoints. Wynorski's films deliver what they promise--a characteristic many films nowadays fail to follow through on--and you can't ask for much more than that.

In the 80's and early 90's, one couldn't do any better for entertaining movie mega-cheese than Jim Wynorski or Fred Olen Ray. Ironically enough after the two collabreated on "Hollywood Scream Queen Hot Tub Party", neither's subsquesent movies were as entertaining. But I Digress, anyway this Wynorski film is about 5 girls doing inventory and stumbling on a puzzle box that contains the spirit of the guy from "Sorority House Massacre 2", but featuring clips from "Slumber Party Massacre" So of course they take turns showering, making insipid comments, running around in lingerie, and getting killed by a maniac. In short, great cheesy goodness.

My Mega-Cheese Grade: B

DVD Extras: Theatrical Trailer; Trailers for "Don't Sleep Alone", "Concealed Weapons", and 1997's "Expose"

Eye Candy: nearly all of the actresses get nude, take showers, or both