- [after Junior shows the town a video of his babysitter and her boyfriend having sex]
- Ben Healey: Junior, we're new here! Can't we at least attempt to fit in?
- Junior Healey: What are you getting onto me for? I didn't do anything. I just watched it.
- Ben Healey: Yes, and so did the entire neighborhood.
- Junior Healey: I didn't hear any complaints.
- Junior: Ahh, finally I get some room in here.
- 'Big' Ben Healy: You little psycho, this time you've gone too far.
- Junior: Ah, shut your trap.
- 'Big' Ben Healy: You're an evil boy. And you've gotta learn to respect your elders. If your old man won't teach you some manners, by god I will.
- Voytek: [picks up phone] Hello?
- Junior: Are you the guy that married Debbie Claukinski?
- Voytek: [sobbing] Yes. She took my house, my money and my pride.
- Junior: Well, I thought you'd like to know, she found herself a new guy, and their out at the St. Pierre club, having fun at your expense.
- Voytek: Who is this?
- Junior: Just call me... a friend.
- Mr. Thorn: [Junior enters his new classroom and the students begin laughing at him, while his new teacher Mr. Thorn walks over and rolls his eyes tiresomely] Oh, no. Not another one. How many kids are they going to make me teach?
- [Junior hands Mr. Thorn his envelope]
- Mr. Thorn: Well, get in here and find a seat. Go ahead. Come on, come on, come on! Hustle, small fry. I'm not gonna have you holding up my class all year. now, let's move it!
- [Junior sits down at his desk]
- Mr. Thorn: Now, let's start with a nice easy review to see how much you underachievers remember from last year. Polly, what's 17 times 8?
- Polly: 136.
- [Bows rather smart and sits back down]
- Mr. Thorn: Good. Richard, what's 72 divided by -9?
- Richard: -8, sir.
- [sits back down]
- Mr. Thorn: Fine. Murph!
- [cut to Murph picking his nose]
- Mr. Thorn: Murph! What's 3 plus 2?
- Murph: Mmmmm... 4.
- [Everyone laughs]
- Mr. Thorn: [sighs] Murph, you've been in the 6th grade since I started teaching here, I really want to get you out this year. Now, please, please work with me. What's 3 plus 2?
- Murph: 9?
- [Everyone laughs again as Mr. thorn closes his eyes in despair]
- Mr. Thorn: I can see this is going to be a long year.
- Junior: [angrily] 5, all right? The answer is 5!
- Mr. Thorn: You!
- [walks over to Junior's desk]
- Mr. Thorn: What're you saying?
- Junior: Uh, I said 5.
- Mr. Thorn: Dandy, I'm glad someone's paying attention here.
- Ben Healey: Junior, 3rd grade is the foundation of a great education. If you don't go, you'll only hurt yourself.
- Junior Healy: I'm sure I'll take a few others down with me.
- 'Big' Ben Healy: [finds his own dog in a yard sale] Nippy, what the hell are you doing here? They're selling you for a nickel?
- Junior: But my dad said the 3rd grade is the foundation of my education.
- Mr. Peabody: Oh, your dad said that. Your dad is a Moron. He's a moron, you know what a moron is?, that's what your dad is.
- 'Big' Ben Healy: [in a tree, after falling out of the window] Help me! Help me!
- Lawanda Dumore: What is that man doing?
- 'Big' Ben Healy: I'm 'Big' Ben Healy. I live here.
- Lawanda Dumore: You live in that tree?
- Lawanda Dumore: Listen here you little monster! I am gonna marry your daddy. And then you'll be on the next plane to boarding school. In Baghdad!
- Mr. Peabody: I'll have to call you back. I gotta deal with one of the little weenies right now.
- [Hangs up phone and then talks through intercom]
- Mr. Peabody: Send the little sweetheart in.
- [Problem Child 2 is edit for TV broadcast on NBC]
- Junior: Dad, can we go? These people are total idiots.
- Aron Burger: Well, excuse me, Your Highness. I didn't realize that simple little me and my simple little family weren't good enough for your high and mighty tastes. Hey, maybe I should go and slip on my silk tuxedo and then we can trot out the champagne and the escargots.
- Ben Healy: Junior. Try to be polite. We're his guests.
- Junior: OK, Dad.
- [Problem Child 2 edit for TV on NBC with the best modified version. The first day at Mortville school in fall]
- Ben Healy: Junior, now you get out of this car. You are going to school!
- Junior: I'd rather jump off a cliff.
- Ben Healy: Junior, 3rd grade is the foundation of a great education. If you don't go, you'll only hurt yourself.
- Junior: I'll take a couple others down with me.
- Ben Healy: Junior, I am your father and you'll do as I say! Now, come on.
- [Ben ripped the front seat off the car and help Junior get out. Ben wins]
- Junior: Now look what you've done.
- Ben Healy: Get over here.
- [Give this a slip to Junior]
- Ben Healy: Take this. Goodbye and good luck.
- [Now he's head off to the first day at school]
- Murph: [Edit with modified version. Murph meets his new classmate] Who let the baby into the sixth grade? What's in your bag? Your diapers?
- Junior: No, my lunch, you pin-head.
- [Students stand back]
- Murph: Little kid doesn't know who he's talking to. I'm senior student in this school.
- Junior: Well, duh. You've been here since 1970.
- Junior: Oh, you're gonna hurt!
- 'Big' Ben Healy: [Here on TV is Big Ben] That's why you want a franchise. Big Ben is the fastest-growing sports equipment empire.
- Junior: Hey, it's Big Ben.
- 'Big' Ben Healy: [On TV] Pick up that phone and call now. For just $399, you can get one of my starter kits. Then you'll be on your way to having it all, just like me, Big Ben Healy.
- Junior: Now, where is that surprise?
- Ben Healy: Surprise!
- Rhoda: Hi, Junior! I'm Rhoda, your babysitter. We're gonna be good friends.
- Junior: Dad, let's slow this down a minute. Now, what is going on here?
- Ben Healy: This is Rhoda, your babysitter. You're gonna be good friends.
- Junior: Yeah, I heard that part. But why?
- Debbie Claukinski: Yoo-hoo!
- Ben Healy: Because I'm going out on a date.
- Debbie Claukinski: Hi, Ben.
- Ben Healy: Hi.
- Debbie Claukinski: I'm all ready.
- Ben Healy: Great. Junior, you remember Debbie Claukinski?
- Junior: How can I forget? Her pie gave us the rash!
- Ben Healy: That's - That's not true.
- Lawanda Dumore: I hate children. They ruin everything. If I had enough power, I'd wipe them off the face of the earth.
- [Junior is confronting Trixie in the girls' bathroom]
- Trixie: You're gonna wish you'd never been born.
- Junior: [sarcastically] Ooh, I'm really scared! I'm being threatened by the Ty-D-Bowl Girl.
- [places his hands on his hips]
- Junior: Now, why have you been bugging me?
- Trixie: [rudely pushes Junior back] I'll bug whoever I want. This is my school.
- Junior: Says who?
- Trixie: Me and my M-80.
- [whips out an M-80, lights it and hands it to Junior]
- Junior: Whoa! Whooa!
- Trixie: Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!
- Junior: You're insane!
- [flings the M-80 into the toilet and flushes it]
- Junior: Let's get outta here!
- [Junior and Trixie flee the bathroom, screaming. Mr. Thorn frantically runs through the hallway with his newspaper, in a rush to get to the bathroom, not knowing that the M-80 is traveling through the pipes]
- Mr. Thorn: [hurries into the bathroom and pushes by another man] Out of my way! I can't hold this one until recess.
- [picks the first working stall, drops his pants, sits on the toilet, and sighs in relief]
- Mr. Thorn: This is gonna feel so good.
- [grabs his newspaper. The M-80 explodes directly under the toilet he is using, blasting him out of his shoes, and shooting toilet water everywhere]
- Mr. Thorn: Ahhhhhh...
- Waiter: [the waiter is forcibly pushing Ben, Annie, Junior, and Trixie out of the restaurant after the food fight] Keep it moving! Come on, let's go!
- Ben Healy: Hey, hey, quit pushing. It wasn't out fault. I got hit in the head with an egg.
- Waiter: Just get out of here and you can never come back to Pizzarific again!
- Ben Healy: [sarcastically] Oh, that's a big loss.
- Annie Young: [throws a leftover olive in the waiter's direction] Yeah, we said no olives.
- Ben Healy: Junior, you failed me!
- Junior: But, Dad, I swear, she hates me!
- Ben Healy: We had a deal and you let me down!
- Junior: She's different from all the others! Lawanda is bad!
- Ben Healy: Junior, you think all women are bad! That poor woman has done nothing, but good intentions! She made us dinner tonight, and this is how you pay her back? I am really disappointed in you. I don't think I'll ever be able to trust you again.
- Ben Healy: Junior, why do you do these things to me? I thought we moved here to start over. People told me that you were a problem child, I said they were wrong. I said you just needed a chance to succeed. We don't have a normal life, especially me. I can't even go out on a date without something terrible happening.
- Junior: Well, maybe you shouldn't go out.
- Ben Healy: Junior, just because I interact with another human being doesn't mean that I love you any less. Can't you see that?
- Junior: Well, I suppose.
- Ben Healy: Suppose? All right, that's a start. That's what we can build on that. I'll tell you what, I'll make a deal. I promise you that I'll always be there for you, but you've gotta promise me that you're going to be good from now on.
- Junior: Okay, I promise.
- Ben Healy: See? That was a little too fast, "Okay, I promise." You got to think about it. It's not just an empty promise. This is a pact between you and me to regain some of the trust we used to have, okay? So, what do you say? Are you gonna improve so that I can be right when I brag about you to all my friends and tell them that I got the greatest kid there ever was?
- Junior: Sure. I'll be better.
- Ben Healy: Thataboy.