- Gary Strang: Let's face it Tony, the only way you're gonna be in there is that if you're both marooned on a deserted island and she eats a poisonous berry or a nut which makes her temporarily deaf, dumb, stupid, forgetful and desperate for sex.
- Tony: [Tony has been trying to tattoo himself with a darning needle] It was going to read "Deborah, I love you", but now I'm just going for "Deb".
- George: Y'know, I think marriage is tremendous.
- Gary Strang: I hate to be cynical George, but you think Croydon is tremendous.
- Gary Strang: [talking about women's pain threshold] I mean, look at the fuss women make about child birth. Now, I'm not saying it doesn't smart a bit, but if blokes did it, I reckon you'd be looking at, what, give birth, have a couple of Paracetamol, maybe a bit of a nap and then back to work within the hour.
- Tony: Why does Dorothy still live with her parents?
- Gary Strang: Her Mother keeps threatening to kill herself if she moves out, I think she should risk it.
- Tony: [trying to get Deborah to sleep with him, she is into astrology at the time] I must lie down here in conjunction with you...
- Dermot: See the graffiti in the gents has reached new heights of literacy.
- Gary Strang: Oh yeah, whats it say?
- Dermot: "West-Ham is a poof".
- Dorothy: You really are a yob aren't you Gary?
- Gary Strang: On the contrary, I think I'm remarkably sensitive.
- Dorothy: Oh, that must be why you refer to Luciano Pavarotti as "that fat git".
- Deborah: Oh look Tony I'm really sorry if I've hurt you.
- Tony: How do you mean?
- Deborah: Oh, y'know, me going out with Ray.
- Tony: Hardly even noticed to be honest.
- Deborah: So why did you open the window and shout "get lost smug estate agent bastard" at him?
- Tony: No, you see that wasn't him, that was this other estate agent on the other side of the road.
- Deborah: And he says he caught you pushing potato peelings through his car window.
- Tony: Oh yeah, I did do that. What, so you want me to stop?