Lethal Ninja

Yes, you read it right, this defines insane action movies, not because of the huge amount of action, but because it's completely insane. If you are a regular viewer of the bottom 100 (which you must be to look at a movie like this) then you would have seen 'US Seals' on the least, at its worst the number 1 bottom movie. Now just think about that. How is it possible for somebody to make a movie which is worse than EVERYTHING. Think of the worst, most painful movie you've ever seen. These people have made a movie worse than that. And why is this relevant, you may ask?

Because the same team made lethal ninja. Except lethal ninja was a lot earlier, and a LOT worse. In fact, it's possibly the lowest quality movie i have ever seen, and i watch bad movies on purpose. However, it is also one of the most hilariously atrocious movies you will ever see. The makers seemed determined to throw in every crappy cliche they possibly could, so the dialogue is completely inane. It goes along like this:

Woman: What are you doing? Man(dangerously): Don't mock me you bitch.

You will find gems like these scattered (actually, the movie is drenched in them) throughout the movie. Now, on to the story.

I've watched it twice recently, but i still haven't managed to pick up the story. Thats not because of me, it's because it has the most glaringly obvious plot holes EVER. The story is something about some woman and her crew finding poisoned water in africa. Then boom, no explanation, ninjas are there slaughtering everybody (serious. Their swords even bounce off people. I thought they were sharp...). Then she is taken hostage by somebody in a hotel in south africa (She chooses just to wait there rather than escape). Her husband, the american yoga guy, hears about his, grabs his mate, and off they fly to south africa against the warning of this government guy. They just happen to stay at the same hotel as his wife (coincidence of course) and then the fun kicks in.

Because, you see, Lethal ninja is absoloutely insane. The first flaw is that the main guy is not even a ninja. I think they should have called 'Lethal Redneck'. Anyway, I'll give you a rundown of some of the flaws and stupidities. When they arrive in south africa, they are carrying machine guns, pistols and bazookas. The customs man asks them 'do you have any firearms' and they say 'just crossbows'. And then, faced with these 2 huge and obviuosly dangerous men, the man LETS THEM WALK THROUGH WITHOUT CHECKING FOR WEAPONS!!! When they get to the hotel, they know nobody, so naturally they just pick up the phone and dial a random number and ask 'wheres my wife'. Theres a tip for hostage situations. If your wife has been kidnapped, pick up the phone, make up a number, and then dial for instant success. Anyway, there are too many flaws, but you will see them standing in the desert or something, and then one of them will say:

'hey, we better check out that old fort'

And off they go. It seems that the script was improvised as they went along, because anybody could come up with a reason for looking at the old fort, but they DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IT EXISTED!!!

Anyway, i grow tired of this. All in all if you're looking for one of the stupidest and funniest movies, rent this. And watch for the dance and musical number which i swear the director choreographed himself. You thought Aaron carter was bad? Wait till you hear and see this!

This is the first movie I've seen where Ninjas use rollerskates with blades sticking out of the sides. Where do they sell those things? I want some.

So the movie is pretty bad, yes. Bad enough to be funny? Sure. It's not the best bad movie out there but it does have its moments. One key bad element is the completely unconvincing fighting on display. There are moments where I know I could have done better, and I have no training in the area whatsoever. Particularly bad is the final showdown at the end. I'm not going to ruin it for you by revealing who's fighting who. I will mention that it was one of the crummiest attempts at portraying a fighting move in the history of cinema.

Another reviewer mentioned the bad acting on the part of the woman who portrays the hero's wife. She is the worst actor in the film, but I quite liked her scenes. She managed to deliver each of her lines in such a way that any dramatic tension that could have existed was vanquished. She's fun. Troll II, anyone? She could easily fit in there.

It's not all the fault of bad acting, either. Some of the attempts at buddy-picture humor between the main guy and his kickboxing friend are dead at the script level.

If you like bad movies, go ahead and check this one out. And stay tuned to the end, because immediately before the credits we are treated to stirring orchestral music while we see clips from the film we've just watched followed by the title, LETHAL NINJA. I think they want to you feel like you've just watched an 80-minute epic.

I believe I understand this movie. The message is:

If you have a problem you only have to wait, to hit the guys who try to kill you with only one beat or turn out the lights with your ninja-sword. ...Am I wrong ?

It is fun and pain to watch the hero of this movie, Ross Kettle (called "Joe" in the film), trying to look cool, pretending to fight with big men, knocking them down after almost no fighting and grabbing bigger men's...you know.

Problem 1: Ross Kettle is no action hero, he was good in "Santa Barbara" (a soap opera) and without him you could forget the movie completely, but he is just not right for the part.

Problem 2: One of the worst actresses I've ever seen: Karyn Hill, who plays Ross Kettle's kidnapped wife. Anyone could have been a better choice. If she was at least naked to convince us with her breasts...

Problem 3: The story...what story ? It would be ridiculous trying to explain what happens. It doesn't matter !

Problem 4: Explosions are nice and good fights are interesting, but is it really necessary to hear a sound like when Batman and Robin of the original Batman-series beat someone up, every time Ross Kettle, the hero (a joke, sorry), is knocking someone down ? Besides, there are no good fights here and explosions look like from a cartoon.

Pretending to be a movie for adults. Not even children would care, or perhaps the little ones !

For Fans of bad movies, Amazon Prime is a gold mine. The vast majority of the selections go from the ridiculous to the redonkulous, including Bloodlock, Breeders, and Night of the Demon (a personal favorite). I added Lethal Ninja to my watchlist hoping for the David Heavener vehicle featured on Best of the Worst. It wasn't. Oh Lordy it wasn't. I was roughly five minutes into it when I heard my doorbell ring. I thought it was the ringing in my head (watch the movie and you'll understand), but it persisted. I opened the door, and there stood Miss Watson exclaiming "Face it, tiger! You just hit the jackpot." Oh yes. Oh yes. Oh Hell yes! If Amazon Prime is a schlock mine, I just hit the motherlode.

Two "actors" pretending to be Michael Dudikoff and Steve James go to Africa(?) to rescue not-Michael's wife from the clutches of Dr. Evil if he were played by the child of Sigfreid and Roy. Instead of going "plot point" by "plot point", I think I'll just state what the "film" has going for it.

A Fake Nostradamus prophecy about a savior from the east, who comes from the west.

A ninja who feels it necessary to teach people how to breathe. It's difficult, I know.

The most effeminate yet clichéd villain I've ever seen, down to the monocle and black cigarette holder.

The Carousel of Carnage.

A song that reminded my of my acid reflux disease.

The Roller Derby of Death. Should this film ever catch on, this scene will be up there with the popcorn scene in Troll 2 and the horny nurse scene in Samurai Cop. It's that incomprehensible.

A hapless ninja who get belted in the face with the backblast from a rocket launcher. Not intentionally.

The Waterslide of Slaughter.

Acting that can best be described as a cry for help.

So much non-medy that Rich Evans will kill himself.

Lastly, a plot that's harder to follow than Miami Connection.

Lethal Ninja is amazing. I just watched it, and it's already one of my favorite bad movies. I wanted to give it ten stars, but I thought that would be misleading, so it's bottomed out. Just like the alcoholics who made this.

Ninjas. What are we going to do with them? Well... stick all of them in this film, apparently.

What we have here is the low budget, amateur hour version of Samurai Cop. Yeah I know what I just said. But that's what it is, and we have to give thanks to the 1989-1992 window of human history for this kind of gleefully un-selfconscious mega-junk which never appeared again in quite this kind of form.

Plot: a guy and another guy try and rescue the first guy's wife who's been kidnapped by ninjas, the end.

Sample thing that happens:

"You want brakes? I'll give you brakes!" - said by a guy hurtling along a dirt track while being persued by ninjas, and who then proceeds to *not* brake.

There is some really really really bad acting in this one, but the bad dubbing is clear and audible, so that's a bonus.

Not as good as Samurai Cop in any way, but still probably worth a watch if you find it cheap.