- John Gustafson: You're supposed to be smoking filter cigarettes.
- Grandpa Gustafson: I'm 94 years old. What the hell do I care?
- Max Goldman: You're trying to steal her away like you did Mae.
- John Gustafson: Oh, well, I'll remind you, Einstein, that Mae was no prize.
- Max Goldman: She was to me.
- John Gustafson: I was married to the woman for 20 years, she was no prize!
- Max Goldman: She was to me.
- John Gustafson: Well, that's why you're a moron! If you'd had Mae you wouldn't have had Amy! And Amy was a good woman!
- Max Goldman: She was the best.
- John Gustafson: Yeah, and she was a darned sight more loyal than Mae ever was!
- Max Goldman: Yeah!
- John Gustafson: Yeah.
- Max Goldman: What?
- John Gustafson: What?
- Max Goldman: Huh?
- John Gustafson: Huh?
- John Gustafson: What...?
- [Both forget what they were arguing about]
- John Gustafson: [Bragging about his sexual escapades] I've laid more pipe in this town than Wabasha Plumbing.
- Jacob: You're a child.
- Max Goldman: Don't tell me Jacob; it isn't me.
- Jacob: Oh it never is. Uh huh, I'm sure John started every fight since 1940.
- Max Goldman: 38!
- Max Goldman: Hey Gustafson, your cat crapped on my steps again.
- John Gustafson: Yeah, who says you can't train a cat?
- Max Goldman: John! John! Are you dead?
- John Gustafson: Not yet. But I don't want to die looking at your ugly face.
- Snyder: Beautiful day, Mr. Goldman.
- Max Goldman: Hey, Snyder! Why don't you do the world a favor, pull your lip over your head and swallow?
- [laughs]
- Snyder: [forces a laugh in response] Asshole.
- Max Goldman: [under his breath] Bloodsuckers.
- Max Goldman: [Knows that John is hiding and listening, but can't give himself away] You mean the low-life, ass-wipe, egg-sucker John Gustafson?
- Snyder: Have you seen him?
- Max Goldman: The man's crazy. Loco. Always hanging out around those kinky strip bars. You know, the ones where the men take their clothes off. That's of course if he's taken his medication.
- Snyder: Medication?
- Max Goldman: Yes, without it he could be anywhere. Wandering around talking to the trees. I'm telling you the man's a menace, he's always drinking, starting fights.
- Max Goldman: You know what Jacob said? Jacob said old Billy Hensel was killed in a car crash. Cleared his car straight off the bridge into the Mississippi.
- John Gustafson: Lucky bastard.
- Max Goldman: You bet.
- John Gustafson: Hey, how is he, anyway?
- Max Goldman: Dead! Died on impact!
- John Gustafson: Jacob, moron, Jacob!
- Ariel Truax: [John is showing Ariel some family pictures] And these two little guys?
- John Gustafson: Oh! That's me and the moron.
- Ariel Truax: Is that Max?
- John Gustafson: Of course it's Max. He's ugly isn't he?
- Ariel Truax: Aw, you mean you were friends?
- John Gustafson: I was 10, and didn't know any better.
- Ariel Truax: What makes two men spend most of their lives fighting?
- John Gustafson: Oh? Guess.
- Ariel Truax: A woman!
- [John nods]
- Ariel Truax: How romantic.
- John Gustafson: No, it wasn't romantic at all.
- Grandpa Gustafson: Then one day you wake up and you realize that you're not 81 any more. And then you begin to count the minutes rather than the days. And you realize that pretty soon, you'll be gone. And that all you have, see, is the experiences. That's all there is, John, everything. The experiences... You mount that woman, son... or else, send her out to me, huh?
- John Gustafson: I hit the cans again!
- Chuck: I heard. How is the Grinch today?
- John Gustafson: Ain't got a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out.
- John Gustafson: [heading to the bedroom with Ariel] Wait a minute. I'm not prepared. See, these days, they say you have to do "safe sex".
- Ariel Truax: John, when was the last time you made love?
- John Gustafson: October 4th...
- [Ariel raises her eyebrows]
- John Gustafson: ... 1978.
- Ariel Truax: Oh, I think we're safe.
- Max Goldman: Who's the guy yakkin' at your door?
- John Gustafson: Just mind your own business, will ya?
- Max Goldman: Mind your own business, will ya? Mind your own business. Why don't you tie your shoelace, you'll fall on your stupid head.
- John Gustafson: Did you hear? Someone moved into the Clichener place. A woman.
- Grandpa Gustafson: A woman? Did you mount her?
- John Gustafson: [disgusted] Oh, *Dad*!
- Grandpa Gustafson: No, wait, wait. Has she got big thighs?
- John Gustafson: No!
- Grandpa Gustafson: No? Then what's the problem? If I was a young fella like you, I'd be mounting every woman in Wabasha!
- [grabs John's bag of beer instead of the single can John is proffering]
- Grandpa Gustafson: Keep the change!
- John Gustafson: Ohh you don't know a damn things about me...
- Ariel Truax: I do too! And I also know the only thing in life, that you regret, are the risks that you don't take.
- Ariel Truax: Gay or straight?
- John Gustafson: Huh?
- Ariel Truax: Heterosexual or homosexual?
- John Gustafson: Geez Louise!
- Ariel Truax: Well, it's a perfectly legitimate question.
- John Gustafson: Well, maybe in California, but here in Minnesota... Who-ho-ho-ho!
- Ariel Truax: All the ideas that you brought to those young minds.
- John Gustafson: Yeah, but kids, they think they know it all, right?
- Ariel Truax: Oh, once in a while you reach one. You touch them somehow.
- John Gustafson: I did that once.
- Ariel Truax: Really?
- John Gustafson: It was my Roosevelt's New Deal lecture. I touched a kid in the back of the head while he was snoring.
- Chuck: It was an awakening. Ariel reminded me that I was alive, that I was a man full of energy, love, and passion. It was like being young again.
- John Gustafson: ...very interesting woman.
- Jacob: Sounds like a wacko to me.
- John Gustafson: I haven't had sex for fifteen years.
- John Gustafson: Did you hear about Eddie Hicks?
- Max Goldman: Hypothermia's a bitch. Not quick like a stroke.
- John Gustafson: A stroke is no good. You could end up like a vegetable. Give me a cardiac any day.
- Ariel Truax: Sometimes a person has to go a very long distance out of their way to come back a short distance correctly.
- Chuck: Can I get something for ya?
- John Gustafson: Yeah. I need a six-pack of Schmidt and I'm out of bait.
- Chuck: Shiners or wax worms?
- John Gustafson: Oh, Hell, I can't afford those damn shiners, give me wax worms.
- Chuck: The wax worms are 75 cents.
- John Gustafson: 75 cents? Crime in Italy. Chuck, we're talking about worms not caviar.
- Chuck: You go through that *every* time. Now, where you think you're going to get worms this time of year? It's supply and demand.
- John Gustafson: You could retire in Florida just from selling me worms.
- [first lines]
- Snyder: Mr. Gustafson! I have to talk to you! Mr. Gustafson, will you answer the door, please? I know you're in there! It's no use pretending this isn't happening, Mr. Gustafson! I can't keep coming... back here every couple of days! You have to talk to me! Mr. Gustafson, I'm just trying to help you! Come on and open the door! I'll just keep knocking! I'll come back, so you might as well answer the door! I know you're in there! Think of the neighbors, Mr. Gustafson! There's a letter for you, Mr. Gustafson! I suggest you read it!
- Ariel Truax: I do so love bathrooms. You know, you can tell an awful lot about a person from his bathroom. Did you know that?
- John Gustafson: No. I didn't know that. There's a guest bathroom...
- Ariel Truax: Oh, there it is! I can't wait I find in there. You know, it's better than having a palm-read. You give me 30 seconds in a person's bathroom and I will give you a complete and accurate profile.
- John Gustafson: I've had a lot on my mind lately.
- Grandpa Gustafson: I'll tell you what's on my mind. It's butt-cold out here and I'm fresh out of beer.