Snake Eater III: His Law

If you've seen any of the "Snake Eater" trilogy, you would know the following. The stories are based, well stolen, from many others. The first is an odd mix of "Miami Vice" and "Deliverance" (?)...the second is "Lethal Weapon", or any cop vs. drug world story, mixed with "The Three Stooges" and "Laurel and Hardy" (??)...and the third is pretty much every vigilante cop movie-only totally messed up. You would also know that it seems every line in these movies either makes absolutely no sense, is horribly acted, or is just plain hokey. Finally, every scene is directed with such an unmistakable ineptitude that it creates a disorientingly bizarre environment you will never forget.

This time, Mr. Eater (who has a needless other name, Solider, as well as his real name Jack Kelley) is suspended, for the millionth time, for handling a stick up in the deranged, overly violent fashion he is known for. He is hired by a family to protect their inexplicably (and unnecessarily) sex-crazed daughter...one who pulls down her skirt on first meeting with Soldier AKA Snake Eater AKA Jack Kelley. The story has no set direction and meanders into a biker gang subplot. Of course, you'll find nothing but laughs here.

Everything about this movie is laughable, including Lorenzo Lamas' signature destitute, blank performance. Eater's wingman this time is, wouldn't you know it, a deranged vigilante. The only difference between the two is that the wingman is an aged cowboy who is slightly more sociopathic in his unjustified killings. Its funny how every destructive thing Soldier accomplishes is completely not noble. He's not even an anti-hero, he's in a category all his own: psychopath wanna be anti-hero. It makes one wonder if the filmmakers and actors were trying to create something so awful that it is intentionally comical. I highly doubt it, but its a thought.

Snake Eater III (1992) was the third in the film series featuring former heart throb Lorenzo Lamas. In this third installment, The Snake Eater is trying to find a missing woman. Along with his sidekick, The Snake Eater stumbles across a mean and nasty biker (pro-wrestler Scott "Bam-Bam" Bigelow). For a novice, Bam-Bam is quite good in his role (he seems to be a ease playing the evil biker). As usual you get to see The Snake Eater in action, busting heads and taking names. The best of the bunch (that's not saying much however). A fun film that the actors don't take very seriously.

Recommended for a casual view or two, not a keeper.

C

B (for wrestling fans)

xx

Solider Kelly is back. First he took on backwoods hillbillies and then it was drug pushers, but now its punk bikers he's waging war against. You know what else is there to do, when you constantly get put on suspension. The third entry was a vast improvement over the stupidly poor original, although I've to yet to watch the first sequel. That's not saying that this one isn't any less silly, because it has its bases cover. However it tends to be better-made, merciless and playing up its tongue-in-cheek vibe. Lorenzo Lamas in the title role is looking even more comfortable, balancing the martial arts and with rapid-fire wisecracks. Like the hilariously bad-ass opening café robbery sequence, which sees Solider being suspended for the methods he used to do his job. It wasn't by the book, but justice was served… his way "It's up to them if they wanna die". Because of this he gets the attention of some parents, who offer him a job to take revenge on a gang of outlaw bikers called Hell's Furies that kidnapped their daughter months ago where they treated her like a piece of meat. She was constantly raped and drugged, which left her in a vegetable state. So without the law on his side, he seeks help from a Private investigator / former biker friend Cowboy in tracking down this biker gang.

Low-crack, but enjoyably macho, pumped-up and over-the-top exploitative b-grade action joint that's economically directed. Where I found it hard not to like. There's a reckless formula to it all, as it has snake eater written all over it. Bar room brawls, smart-ass jibs, profane dialogues, beer sculling, low-brow sleaze, pulpy violence, unfathomable actions, exaggerated villains and you got it… elaborate booby traps. Everything about has a sense of humour to it. The funny thing is, after ridding the earth of these bikers. The girl is magically cured. No more scars and giving herself to any nearby male ("don't you wanna f**k me?")… She's sane. Only if things could be that easy. The performances are spot on. Minor Mustain stolidly wry turn suited his Cowboy character and made for good chemistry. Tracy Cook plays soldier's love interest. Then for the bikers is man-made-mountain wrestler Scott "Bam Bam" Bigelow and a mean Chris Benson as the leader of the pack. Also appearing is Walker Boone as Soldier's police Ltd.

"Who the hell is Hulk Hogan?"

This review was written in 1992, when this movie was a new release on home video, and was published in a Canadian daily newspaper. And yes, I consciously copied Joe Bob Briggs in my final paragraph back in those days.

SNAKEEATER III: HIS LAW (Rated R) - Cineglobe Video: Bikers, broads, breasts, and blown-up buildings - what B-movies are all about!

While I can't compare this killer sequel to its predecessors since I never saw them, I can say that is one of the best B action comedies of the year.

Lorenzo Lamas returns as Jack "Soldier" Kelly, an irreverent crimefighter with a twisted modus operandi. After getting suspended from the police force for "unethically" blowing the brains out of a would-be robber, Kelly is hired "under the table" by a wealthy couple whose daughter (Tracy Hway) was kidnapped, raped and severely traumatized by the local biker gang.

The subject matter may sound serious, it it's used pretty much to give Kelly someone to rescue when he runs out of ammo. This is the kind of guy who barters with a crazed druggie for "the rights to kill the hostage" and stabs another dude's feet to the floor.

When the bikers, led by the disgustingly fun Goose (Bam Bam Bigelow) abduct the girl again, Kelly teams up with Cowboy (Minor Mustain), a pistol-packin' wiseacre who's never at a loss for profane insults. Move over Murtaugh and Riggs, it's time for some new blood with better gags.

The final score: Sixteen body count, dispatched in inventive ways; five popped tops; two supreme naughty bits; wowie fight scenes; a great opening gag in a diner (Goose and his boys are so bad, they have reserved parking at the local choke 'n puke); Mustain gets all the best lines; Holly Chester becomes hollow chested when her boyfriend (Goose) finds out where Kelly hid her.

Three-time Snakeeater director George Erschbamer could head for the big leagues after a couple more flicks like this one.

(2023: well, we know that didn't really happen, but he still made some solid DTV action pictures during this era).

My movie group is a huge fan of the first SNAKE EATER - which has to be seen to be believed but we got our hands on the third installment and watched it tonight and we were howling with laughter. Lamas again with perfect hair and dead eyes and robotic line readings. A stuntman given a chance to be his sidekick "Cowboy" gives one of the worst uncomfortable performances on camera we've ever seen - he does everything but stare directly into the camera. The outlaw biker gang is one of those movie biker gangs - so not real, so cartoonish that it is unintentionally hilarious. The former pro wrestler Bam Bam Bigelow gives it his all as Goose - sadly he was dead by the age of 45 after a drug overdose. The acting is so lame, the fight scenes under rehearsed, the dialogue so bad it is hysterical - everything you want in a bad movie! Highly recommended to watch with pals and booze and weed.