The Pink Chiquitas

I saw this movie years ago in a group tradition of Fast Forward Film Festivals, where we would set out to rent a bunch of B-movies and vote for who picked the worst.

The night we watched this, it was voted the best, due to semblance of plot and fun costuming.

This is certainly a silly, kitschy, movie, to be watched under the full understanding that you are watching low-budget fluff. Personally, however, I wouldn't recommend additional substances ... this movie will leave it's own mark on you.

It made enough of an impression on me that I've actually been trying to get my hands on a copy for a few years.

A good choice if you are setting out to watch bad movies. This one is fun, and I remember bouncy music ...

This film is horribly acted, written, directed and produced. But it's so campy it's actually semi-watchable. That's SEMI watchable.

The storyline (what little there is) makes virtually no sense whatsoever. The Barney Drum character is the only real comic relief in the movie and that gets tired after about 30 seconds.

Many of the Canadian supporting cast can be found in TV commercials.. None of them went on to anything else that I'm aware of. And of course Sly Stallone's even less talented brother well..... =\

Trivia: It was filmed almost entirely in and around the little village of Claremont, Ont. (about 20 miles N.east of Toronto) I recognized many local landmarks/intersections/buildings. I think the Drive-in scene was filmed at the now demolished "Oshawa Drive-in" just before it was torn down.

This camp Canadian homage to '50s sci-fi B-movies stars Frank Stallone (Sly's younger brother) as private eye Tony Mareda Jr., who finds himself pursued by South American gangsters and doing battle with an army of women who have been exposed to a pink meteorite that turns them into Amazonian warriors.

Deliberately trashy in a bid for cult status, this film falls flat on its face thanks to a dreadful script that aims for laughs but misses by a mile, and terrible performances. Frank Stallone, sporting a horrible mullet, ably shows why he never achieved the level of fame enjoyed by his big brother, but he is not alone in his ineptitude: there's not one decent performance amongst the whole cast. About the only thing going for this mess are the attractive women who parade around in varying states of undress (but never naked: this is strictly PG nonsense).

With so many terrible scenes to choose from it is hard to say what the absolute low point is, but definite contenders include the pointless musical number, flaming homosexual Dwight Wright (Gerald Isaac) in drag, Tony water-skiing behind a giant fish, and any moment featuring Don Lake as bumbling Deputy Barney Drum.

2/10.

BAD!

VERY BAD!!

VERY, VERY BAD!!!

VERY, VERY, VERY BAD!!!!

If you MUST watch this, load up on alcohol / cannabis / pharmaceuticals (your choice) to the point where operating the remote control to turn it off is harder than continuing to watch it. Be warned - it'll suck you into continuing to watch just to see how much worse it can get; it does get worse - much, much, worse.

Production values are non-existent; one character's toupee strongly resembles a road-killed wolverine scraped from a nearby Interstate highway.

Costuming came from half-price day at a thrift store, with the exception of those which contributed to a world-wide shortage of pink Spandex that year.

As to the script - the less said, the better (the writers should have kept that in mind)!

The only conceivable reason to even put this movie into a VCR is to clear out those hangers-on who don't recognize that the party ended an hour ago - within 15 minutes, they'll remember that they have to be elsewhere, and are late getting there!

Sly Stallone is hardly the finest actor in the world but compared to his brother, Frank...well, roll out those awards now! Mullet haired, muppet Frank seems to think that every part he plays, calls for him doing the role as an American/Italian Wise-guy refugee from the 'Godfather.' Please, somebody make him an acting offer 'he can refuse!' This film just stinks the place out, even by the terrible overacting in this, Frank still steals the acting dishonours. All the people compensate for their lack of talent by shouting their lines and throwing their arms about, gesticulating wildly in a style that went out of fashion back with silent films.

The plot, what there, is, makes no sense as a meteor lands and turns all the women into sex-crazed nymphets but as this is 15 certificate film, that just means they strip to their underwear and make moaning sounds like dogs on heat. What happens in the end, I'm not quite sure as I was losing the will to live long before the film finished.

Avoid this like the plague and watch 'Deep Impact' for a reasonable film about a meteor about to hit the earth.

N.B. Point of order: when one of the female leads strips down to her underwear, she has her knickers/panties under her suspenders/garter belt, it's knickers over the suspenders to allow women to go to the toilet with less fuss. A trivial point, perhaps, but shows how dumb this film is when they can't even get this right!