- Chuck Clarke: Stupid-ass camel! He'd rather sit there and die!
- Lyle Rogers: You know, I kind of admire that.
- Chuck Clarke: Me too.
- Chuck Clarke: l lived with my parents till l was 32. l've just dribbled my life away.
- Lyle Rogers: Hey, it takes a lot of nerve to have nothing at your age, don't you understand that? Most guys'd be ashamed, but you've got the guts to just say 'to hell with it'. You say that you'd rather have nothing than settle for less. Understand?
- CIA Agent: The KGB is here. I recognize two agents.
- CIA Agent: The ones dressed as Texans?
- CIA Agent: No. The ones dressed as Arabs. The ones dressed as Texans are Arab agents. I also recognize two guys from Turkish intelligence.
- CIA Agent: Which ones? The ones in the Hawaiian shirts?
- CIA Agent: No, the Bermuda shorts. The ones in the Hawaiian shirts are tourists.
- Chuck Clarke: [singing] I feel so small when I look at the stars. How big is Venus?
- Lyle Rogers: [singing] How big is Mars?
- Chuck Clarke: I feel so small when I look at the sky. How big is HEAVEEEEN?
- Lyle Rogers: How big am I?
- Army Man: Applaud!
- [Army table goes nuts]
- Chuck Clarke: So what are you doing here, Jim?
- Jim Harrison: I'm with the CIA.
- Chuck Clarke: Interesting work?
- Jim Harrison: lt's okay. lt's a little rough right now because the Communists are trying to instigate a coup against the Emir and take over lshtar.
- Chuck Clarke: Why?
- Jim Harrison: That's how it works. Today they get lshtar, tomorrow they get North Africa.
- Chuck Clarke: Why?
- Jim Harrison: That's how it works.
- Lyle Rogers: What a smuck I was...
- Chuck Clarke: Schmuck! It's not smuck. Schmuck!
- Lyle Rogers: Smuck!
- Chuck Clarke: [loud] Schmuck!
- Lyle Rogers: Sssssssssmuck!
- Chuck Clarke: Say "ssshhhh"
- Lyle Rogers: Ssshhhhhh.
- Chuck Clarke: Now say "muck".
- Lyle Rogers: [soft] Muck.
- Chuck Clarke: Now say "ssshhh" and "muck" together real fast.
- Lyle Rogers: Smuck!
- Chuck Clarke: ...Closer.
- Lyle Rogers: You really know the lingo.
- Chuck Clarke: l feel like this is a very special part of the evening. A couple of years ago, there was a very young grey-haired couple here celebrating their 51st wedding anniversary. And last year, they came back - for their 52nd wedding anniversary. And l told them that if they came back here the following year, l'd have a song written for them. And they're back. Mr. and Mrs. Charles Thomopoulos celebrating this evening their 53rd wedding anniversary.
- [singing]
- Chuck Clarke: I promised I'd love you forever, A promise I'm planning to keep, You'll be well taken care of, After I've gone, Off to the land of the big sleep, I'm leaving some love in my will, Yes, I'm leaving some love in my will, My life is nearly over, And time goes by so fast, So I'm going to give you a present, to thank you for the past...
- Marty Freed: I'll tell you what I told Tony Bennett. Sing songs people already know. That way they'll still have something to applaud.
- Chuck Clarke: Take one sip at a time. That water has to last you about another 48 minutes.
- Lyle Rogers: Why, what happens then?
- Chuck Clarke: We run out of water.
- Caid of Assari: I am Ahmad bin Ali. I am the Caid of Assari. It was I that called out "Yellow Rose of Texas". Perhaps you would care to entertain at my worthless palace?
- Chuck Clarke: I see her standing in the backyard of my mind, she cracks her knuckles and the scab that's on her knee won't go away. I see the woman waiting in her eyes and I can see the love but I can't see the Brooklyn Dodgers in LA.
- Marty Freed: [Shirra is crying at the concert] What's wrong?
- Shirra Assel: I think they're wonderful.
- Lyle Rogers: Hot fudge love, cherry-ripple kisses. Lip-smacking, back-slappin', perfectly delicious.
- Chuck Clarke: Is this the oasis?
- Lyle Rogers: Does this look like an oasis to you?
- Chuck Clarke: Yeah, look at the birds.
- [He takes a good look at them]
- Chuck Clarke: Are those vultures?
- Lyle Rogers: Yeah.
- Chuck Clarke: You mean they're here on spec?
- Lyle Rogers, Chuck Clarke: [singing] Telling the truth can be dangerous business; / Honest and popular don't go hand in hand. / If you admit that you play the accordion, / No one will hire you in a rock 'n' roll band. / But we can sing out hearts out. / And if we're lucky, then no neighbors complain. / Because life is the way we audition for God; / Let us pray that we all get the job.
- Chuck Clarke: [Chuck and Lyle are songwriting at the bar after closing time] Can't we just have half an hour?
- Bartender: Half an hour? Half an hour like the last half hour?
- Chuck Clarke: [to Lyle] Hey, how about, how about "Give me half an hour like the last half hour"
- Lyle Rogers: [Playing furiously] Give me half an hour!
- Chuck Clarke: Like the last half-hour!
- Lyle Rogers: Give me half an hour!
- Chuck Clarke: Like the last half-hour!
- CIA Agent: Jim, I don't know what you had in mind here, but this mission is no longer covert. We are now overtly firing on two Americans and God knows who else. And they are armed to the teeth!
- Shirra Assel: This is an ancient devious world, and you come from a young country. Promise me you will keep my secret without trying to understand it.
- Chuck Clarke: You mean you bought a camel?
- Lyle Rogers: No, I didn't really buy it. They *sold* it to me!
- Lyle Rogers: You didn't have to leave with me, now I've spoiled the night for you.
- Chuck Clarke: You gotta give yourself a break! You've never been out with anyone but your wife.
- Lyle Rogers: Yeah, but you gotta have the looks, Chuck. I mean, you walk into a place like that and girls just want ya, ya know, ya got that kinda face. Kinda mean lookin' but with character. And the way you walk, you can only do that with a small body! Didya ever hear of a big sports car? I mean, if I'd look like you -...
- Chuck Clarke: Oh, you so idealize me!
- Lyle Rogers: Chuck, this isn't really a good time to get depressed.
- Chuck Clarke: You're right, I don't know what's wrong with me.
- Lyle Rogers: Look at the upside: we're not livin' lives of quiet desperation.
- Shirra Assel: The Dome of the Emir's Palace is made of gold. The people have never seen a refridgerator.
- Chuck Clarke: Hello...
- Lyle Rogers: Hello...
- Chuck Clarke: Baby...
- Lyle Rogers: Baby...
- Chuck Clarke: Love you...
- Lyle Rogers: Love you...
- Chuck Clarke: Baby...
- Lyle Rogers: Baby...
- Lyle Rogers: Nothing ever happened to us. And now we're going to die out in the desert shootin' at helicopters.
- Shirra Assel: Listen to me. Your roommate is a ClA agent. The room may be wired. He gave me his passport in lshtar.
- Lyle Rogers: [trying to pickup Shirra from the ground who is disguised as a boy] Are these breasts?
- Chuck Clarke: [Reading a note passed by the waiter] Oh my God, this guy's a songwriter and he liked my song! He wants to buy me a drink!
- Feisty Girl Band: I'm quittin' High School, 'cos you don't like me...
- Jim Harrison: Sir? We did NOT fire on two Americans in the desert. We did NOT. Who told you that? The Secretary of State? Well, how would he know?
- Lyle Rogers: But we're not singers, we're songwriters.
- Marty Freed: So? The Beach Boys weren't songwriters. Anthony Newley isn't a songwriter?
- Chuck Clarke: [Dancing frenetically] Darlin'! Oh my little darlin'! Where... are-are you?
- Lyle Rogers: [Rigid at his microphone] Hoopa-hoopa-hoopa.
- Marty Freed: [Offering Lyle and Chuck some gig possibilities] I got good news for ya'. I think I can get you a booking. In Honduras - the hotel where the American journalists stay in Honduras. The last act left because they got nervous about the death squads. But there's no danger if you don't drive in the countryside.
- Shirra's Brother: You'll never find it! No-one will find it except the two Messengers of God.
- Prof. Barnes: We are not two messengers. We're two archaeologists who found a map which, if it is authenticated, could start a holy war that would enflame the entire Middle East. lshtar is on the brink of revolution now!
- Marty Freed: l mean, if you wanna sell songs today, you gotta have an act with jokes, patter, segues. Otherwise, frankly, you're old, you're white and you got no schtick. You got no gimmicks.
- Carol: l was thinking that if we lived together, l would just make your life so much easier.
- Chuck Clarke: Life isn't that bad, l just have a lot of pain.
- Chuck Clarke, Lyle Rogers: [singing] Software, I'm looking for software, I gotta have software, For my machine!