Ciclón: bólido de acero

Cyclone is a piece of dreck with little redeeming value, even on the so bad its entertaining front. A friend of mine took the tape from an overflowing St. Vincent DePaul clothes bin. Okay, that may be a little bit dodgy but it was meant to be a clothes bin, not a crappy old VHS bin, something the less fortunate members of our society don't really need to make their lives better. It could be considered a mercy. Watching a movie like Cyclone would really only add to their problems. Anyway the basic premise of a woman with a super-powerful motorcycle that it armed to the teeth with rockets and lasers isn't even properly exploited. The two 'high speed' chase sequences involve vehicles travelling at less than hair raising speeds of around 40 KMPH and a super-fast motorcycle that is in danger of being overtaken by a crappy old station wagon is not that awe inspiring when you get down to it. There is only one scene where the bikes goofy weaponry is used, at the film's climax, and it is laughably ineffectual, or just laughable, when it is. This includes laser beams that look like they should be coming out of the hands of an evil wizard in a cheesy eighties sword and sorcery that produced large bursts of flame which seem to have no noticeable effect on their targets even when they hit directly. The rest of the movie is just tedious hard to watch filler. Lots of bad actors, yes even Combs and Landau suck in this, most of whom seem like they have been lifted from the set of a porno movie stand around exchanging really bad dialogue in a desperate attempt to pus forward the barely coherent plot. There are a few badly staged fight sequences and some excruciatingly unfunny comic relief scenes with some cops and the owner of the motor cycle repair shop. Comedy of the sub Benny Hill horny old man can't stop staring at the female leads chest variety. Basically the 'money' scenes involving the bike actually doing stuff are few and lame and the rest is clunky filler material. Skip it.

(57%) A very 1980's mid-budget sci-fi actioner featuring the very lovely Heather Thomas in a role that sees her take on criminal Martin Landau using her boyfriend's (Jeffrey Combs) super high-tec motorbike equipped with a laser-beam armed helmet and some rockets. And that's it for story. But this is still an enjoyable watch as the pacing is brisk and there aren't many fun action movies like this with a female lead. There are some quite cool and well handled moments, and the action is never below normal decent standards. Anyone in the mood for some long forgotten, yet still very watchable entertainment from the 1980's should give this a go.

"Cyclone" is a decent dose of escapism from reliable B movie veteran Fred Olen Ray, ostensibly a vehicle for gorgeous, glamorous TV star Heather Thomas. She plays Teri, a young woman whose boyfriend Rick (Jeffrey Combs) has designed an ultra cool looking motorcycle for the government. Soon, bad guys have murdered Rick and Teri is forced to take it on the lam. Among the rich assortment of villains are Martin Landau as slick, evil businessman Bosarian, legendary stuntman Dar Robinson (to whom the film is dedicated) as an albino thug, and Dawn Wildsmith as his gal pal. You know you're in for a good time when in addition to these people, the others who turn up are Troy Donahue, Martine Beswicke, and Robert Quarry as federal agents, Huntz Hall as bike shop proprietor Long John, Bruce Fairbairn as a police detective, and an uncredited Russ Tamblyn. Overall this is a fairly slight movie - you won't really remember it after it's over - but it's still pretty entertaining while it lasts. The action scenes are competently done, the pacing is efficient, and there are some hilarious moments to let us know that Ray and screenwriter Paul Garson are keeping their tongues in their cheeks and just having fun with the genre. Among these moments are the final scenes for both Quarry and Robinson. The motorcycle itself is pretty damn nifty, and the helmet that goes with it is amusing itself - it shoots lasers! David A. Jackson composes the catchy, appealing electronic music score, and there's one priceless sequence featuring an act named Haunted Garage (fronted by Michael Sonye) performing the song "Devil Metal". The actors are enjoyable to watch, with Thomas making for a tough and feisty heroine, and the equally fetching Ashley Ferrare engaging as her friend. It's a treat to see Combs of "Re-Animator" fame in a romantic role, and Robinson (who died after filming) is the most fun out of the antagonists. The ending is not terribly satisfying (revealing the fate of a specific character in a rather perfunctory manner), but in general this is fine entertainment for schlock fans. Some of them may bemoan the fact that the one gratuitous shower scene is over so soon, though! Seven out of 10.

Wow! Fred Olen Ray outdid himself with the casting of Cyclone.

We get Russ 'Satan's Sadists' Tamblyn, Jeffrey 'Re-Animator' Combs, Martine 'Prehistoric Women' Beswick, Robert 'Count Yorga' Quarry, Huntz 'Sach' Hall, Martin 'Bela Lugosi' Landau, Troy 'I Know What You Did' Donahue, and Heather, er, 'Dukes of Hazzard' Thomas, all in one movie!

The story is ridiculous and the movie is unwatchable, but who cares!

Although I am a fan of Heather Thomas and I have a few of her old bikini posters around here somewhere, I can honestly say that if the only movie I had ever seen her in was "Cyclone", I would never be able to guess why she had made it as far as she had in show business.

Directed by Fred Olen Ray (about as good an omen as seeing buzzards circle over head in the desert), this tale of a woman (Thomas) who must protect a high-tech motorcycle from unscrupulous types is about as "B" movie as it gets (or in Fred Olen's case, "B minus").

The cast itself should tell you something. It's not every movie that combines Thomas with actors the calibre of Beswick, Hall, Combs, Donahue, Tamblyn and Landau (!!). If you're lucky, very few movies do. And even though they seem to be having fun, shouldn't some of that fun be passed on to the audience? I vote yes, seems they voted no.

Of course, if you ever wanted to see Heather deliver an uppercut to another woman, use the "F" word and get hooked up to battery cables, you've probably been looking for this one. Myself, I'll be content with old "Fall Guy" reruns.

One star, given in hopes that when another "Cyclone" hits town, Heather runs for shelter. I know I will.