- To-Bel: [to her husband] A few months ago, your buddy Howard, here, did some exploration of certain dark parts of my continent.
- Howard: I don't know what you're talking about. I never met this woman before in my life.
- To-Bel: The fuck you didn't! Dr. Doolittle, here, went so deep into areas unexplored by your feeble playwrightin' ass, that I got to thinkin' he was Lewis *and* Clark.
- Clare Lipkin: Well, it's finally over. Sidney Lipkin Companies have completed their much awaited merger with Mother Earth, Inc. They give the sagging maggot industry an instantaneous boost in the arm.
- Dr. Van Kamp: What a horrid, fabulous thing to say.
- Clare Lipkin: [referring to herself] Thirty-five years old and still bulimic.
- Dr. Van Kamp: Thirty-five?
- Dr. Van Kamp: I thought Sidney looked smashing in that little Turnbull and Asser chemise. Did you pick that out or was it one of the maids?
- Clare Lipkin: Well, they tried like hell to get the stain out; but, couldn't quite do it. Did you see the lipstick on his collar?
- Dr. Van Kamp: At least they got it off of his fly.
- Peter: We were so sorry to hear about your loss.
- Clare Lipkin: Oh, well, my husband was sorrier - as Groucho would say.
- Lisabeth Hepburn-Saravian: Would you believe that I was a virgin when I got married?
- Clare Lipkin: Well, so was I, according to my publicist.
- Frank: I knew a girl that looked just like you.
- To-Bel: Really?
- Frank: I wrote a poem about her. Do you want to hear it? Hey, Chocolate Mama, She's got a stomach like a Hershey snare drum, She's got an ass like a nasty heart, Beating on the other side, Like a dark globe of every place a man could want to go.
- To-Bel: Oh, how you talk.
- [first lines]
- Clare Lipkin: On earth, as it is in heaven, Give us this day, our daily bread, And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those that trespass against us, Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil, For thine is the Kingdom and the power...
- Zandra: Mother, how much longer do we have to have Daddy at the table?
- Clare Lipkin: And the glory...
- Dr. Van Kamp: It is pushing it, Clare. Sidney's been dead a week already.
- Clare Lipkin: For *ever*. Amen.
- Dr. Van Kamp, Zandra, Lisabeth Hepburn-Saravian: Amen.
- Lisabeth Hepburn-Saravian: Now, leave Clare alone.
- Clare Lipkin: It's so hard to let go. To say goodbye.
- Clare Lipkin: Binge and purge. Binge and purge! Well, Sidney has been purged and I am ready for the binge.
- Juan: Look, my wallet, it can't buy me no stocks and bonds; but, my hands, are Cadillac de Villes. My body is a Rolls Royce Corniche.
- [Lisabeth burst out laughing]
- Juan: Ain't you ever hear of jacking off?
- Willie Saravian: Well, sure, but, its bad for you, isn't it?
- Juan: I've been doing it six or seven times a day for years and look at me.
- Dr. Van Kamp: I respect Peter Hepburn. I respect his vision. I respect his courage to continue to do the kind of work he knows will never bring him the big money.
- To-Bel: But, eh, but, we live so well? He spends *and* he knows Shirley MacLaine.
- Dr. Van Kamp: The money's just the last scraps of a niggardly inheritance. His mother was a suspicious woman. She left them what I call a 'distrust' fund.
- Howard: Oh my balls! I have no balls Liz! All I have is a fat set of petty dictators sewn up in cheap leather.
- Lisabeth Hepburn-Saravian: Howard I am really worried about you.
- Howard: A couple of greedy monsters dangling in a smarmy woman's purse. the kind you buy at Q-Mart. Monogamy was my kingdom and they have exiled me!
- Zandra: Mom, how long is that thing going to be tomorrow? I told Mimi I'd go to the beach with her.
- Clare Lipkin: Darling, that thing is your father's wake. And you will be there. And you will like it.
- Peter: I wouldn't go to Africa, Beth.
- Lisabeth Hepburn-Saravian: We're not going to *that* Africa. We're going to the *good* Africa.
- Sidney: I've made a little discovery about the dead. They feel, they need, they desire.
- Clare Lipkin: Stay away. Stay away!
- Sidney: You know, the funny thing is, you're right. When I was alive, I wanted to ball anyone but you. Now, you're the only one I want.
- Clare Lipkin: Oh, my God!
- Sidney: Death doesn't make any sense without you, Clare. You'll love it in hell. I've already picked out a house for us. Just like this one.
- To-Bel: I *love* what you've done with your home.
- Clare Lipkin: Oh, well, my late husband liked the idea of an English manor, trapped inside an Italian villa, and me trapped right along with it.
- Clare Lipkin: We are doomed, unless, we break the cycle of need. I read in a magazine, that you can break an old pattern, by doing something new, 21 days in a row.
- To-Bel: I really think that we should check into a hotel.
- Peter: No, no. I - I want to be here for my sister and I don't want to insult her friend. Hey, everything gonna be fine. Okay? You know, we'll go shopping, we'll come home...
- To-Bel: I don't like parties for dead people.
- Peter: We'll sneak upstairs, we'll fool around. How long has it been? Four hours?
- Frank: What's your name?
- Persephone Cohen: Persephone Cohen.
- Frank: Would you like to know something truly amazing? I'll get your name tattooed on my ass.
- Persephone Cohen: My *whole* name?
- Lisabeth Hepburn-Saravian: Why are you telling me this?
- To-Bel: Shall I be honest?
- Lisabeth Hepburn-Saravian: Please.
- To-Bel: Just the mood I was in.
- To-Bel: It happens to everybody, Willie.
- Willie Saravian: I feel awful.
- To-Bel: Shit, that always the measure of a man. With what you face, you mo' man than most I been with.
- Willie Saravian: Really?
- To-Bel: Why, sure. Lots of boys get nervous the first time. And - if its any consolation to you, you're a whole lot better equipped than your Daddy. So, why don't you go on and get some sleep.
- Willie Saravian: To-Bel, you're the best Aunt a boy could have.
- Peter: You cheap black whore! *Clare* is a real woman and she likes to wash too - with soap - everywhere!
- Lisabeth Hepburn-Saravian: You screwed Juan?
- To-Bel: The other one, eh, what's his name? Um, Frank. It was so degrading. I felt like some fabulous farm animal.
- Zandra: My idea of taking a risk is - losing my birth control pills - or shopping at Saks without a sale. I want to live; but, I don't know how! I hate myself!
- Dr. Van Kamp: Zandra, come with me to Africa.
- Zandra: What?
- Dr. Van Kamp: I said come - as my assistant - on the Hunger project.
- Zandra: What are you saying?
- Dr. Van Kamp: You'd have to ask your mother's permission, of course.
- Zandra: Oh, she'd say yes! I know she would!
- Dr. Van Kamp: There'll be disease, heat, swollen bellies, shriveled souls, and a handful of people like us. We'll come back older, sadder, and wiser; but, we'll have the joy of knowing that we've sacrificed, selflessly. No one can ever take that away from us. Ever.
- Zandra: Thank you, Mo. I feel myself changing already. I know now - my whole life has been a preparation for this journey.
- Dr. Van Kamp: Oh, and Zandra, we'll probably have to share a small tent for the first six months or so. I know you won't mind.
- [Zandra smiles]
- Clare Lipkin: You just want me; because, you know you can't have me.
- Juan: I thought you wanted me; because, I didn't care about you?
- Lisabeth Hepburn-Saravian: My husband was intimidated by my brain.
- Clare Lipkin: Oh, they shit on us for years and we get addicted to the humiliation.
- Lisabeth Hepburn-Saravian: Its been nine months since we're separated and I feel like a virgin again. I haven't let anyone touch me.
- Clare Lipkin: You're kidding!
- Lisabeth Hepburn-Saravian: All the men that I'm attracted to, either turn out to be gay or they want to take over!
- Clare Lipkin: I don't think you're setting your sights low enough.
- Dr. Van Kamp: Look, I don't care who you talk to, when you get a bunch of rich, fat people, who are determined to get thin, at any price, some of them are going to die. It's just - a rule of thumb.
- To-Bel: What goes around comes around. Now, you get outta my goddamn way. I'm goin' to get me some Louis Vuitton.
- Willie Saravian: I think I'm in love - with Zandra.
- Juan: I tell you what I'm going to do for you, Tito. I know a little something about love. I'm going to loan you some righteous video tapes. Very inspirational!