Princess Warrior

PRINCESS WARRIOR is very much a Z-grade B-movie and perhaps one of the worst I've ever seen. Only fans of an extremely charitable disposition towards the B-movie genre could get any enjoyment out of this, and the only reason I've not rated it the lowest of the low is that I'm all too away of many subsequent films that have been made which are even worse.

This science fiction film sees a bunch of female aliens arrive on Earth in order to prove themselves in their society's hierarchy. Unsurprisingly, they all look like pneumatic blondes, and coincidentally the actresses are happy to strip down at the required occasions to lend this film some nudity in a bid to keep male viewers occupied.

It's barely worth commenting that the acting is atrocious, the script non-existent, and the special effects (which come in the form of rip-off lightsabers) quite dreadful. There are some jokes here but they don't work; there's some thriller aspects involving local cops, which don't work either; as for the slow, exaggerated fight scenes, they're frankly embarrassing. The funniest thing about this are the stupid character names like Ovule, Bulimia, and Exzema.

ExCUSE me, but my tongue was TOO in my cheek when we filmed this piece o' poop. As the evil sister with hair that Mommy Dearest would envy, I did my very best to channel Tim Curry in Rocky Horror. I'm sad that this did not come across... Ah well, a friend compared it to a 'rock bottom budget SHOWGIRLS' with a white hot spoon.' I'll have to be content with that.

What amazes me is no one mentioned the endless (and dull) wet T-shirt contest. It is seriously the longest wet T-shirt contest in cinema history. And the only one where the contestants were wearing industrial strength cotton-polyester shirts that defied all efforts to get them wet and translucent.

And didn't anyone catch the director's cameo as the dude on the payphone interrupted by our hero? With the line 'are we filming yet?" clearly audible? Jeez, this is bad movie heaven for REAL aficionados...

Wow, where to start. I was excited to find this, as it looked like the type of ultra-cheesy sci-fi T&A flick I so enjoy. Was I wrong.

What's good:

Six breasts. A couple butts in thongs. I think the lead character's breasts are actually pixelated out in one scene towards the end, but it's hard to tell; maybe the video quality is just that bad.

Three girls run around in spandex bike shorts through most of the movie. Or should I say sit around.

There's a catfight at the end. I rate it a 1 out of 10.

What's bad:

The dialogue and acting. Stupendously awful. Take the first ten people you meet on the street, then get rid of the five most talented ones, and the remaining five could write and act better than this.

The video quality of the DVD - like something you'd record off TV on a really old VCR tape. I can only assume it was filmed using camcorders. Audio is center speaker only. Music is...words fail me.

The budget. If you drive a 10 year old Chevy Nova, and sold it to finance your moviemaking project, you could make this. There are actually a half dozen people listed in the credits under "stunts", but I can't imagine what stunts they did. Two people are listed as "fight choreographers", but c'mon, that's just laughable. Any pair of twelve-year-olds having a pretend fight in the back yard would be more convincing. Much more convincing.

The story. It looks like they drove around LA at night until they found a particularly deserted street or parking lot, then quickly filmed a scene there. If they would have just ad-libbed the dialogue and made up the story as they went, it could have only been an improvement. But it actually sounds as if they're reciting memorized lines.

T&A? Very little. The sexy picture on the box cover? Ain't in the movie. The catfight at the end is lame. Considering that a sexy catfight is the only thing this movie could have possibly aspired to deliver, and it wouldn't have cost any more to give us a good one, why do they only give us this crap?

By the end it left me with the impression that I'd just watched a home movie made by my neighbor. While he was on a three day drunk.

This movie can't decide what it is -- a soft porno or a sf movie. Not enough plot for a real movie, but way too much for a porno.

In a galaxy far far away, a good princess (we know she's good because she has long blonde hair, wears a white toga, is polite, and is mooning wistfully about her dying mother when we first see her) inherits the kingdom over her elder sister, who is evil (and we know this because she has dark hair and wears too much makeup, abuses her male sexual slaves, sneers and curls her lip all the time, and talks imperiously about the horrors she'll perpetrate when she's queen). The evil princess gets upset and tries to stage a coup, but the good sister gets away to Earth. Of course, she materializes buck naked in a bar during a wet T-shirt contest. It really goes downhill from there. The acting is ludicrous, the dialog sounds like it was written for a porno, and the general storyline is ridiculous. There's not even enough skin to make happy the sort of person who'd watch this for skin. I love "good" bad movies, and this one's not even enjoyable on a "bad movie" level.

I know when you buy a used (oops, excuse me, previously viewed)DVD for $5.99 you shouldn't have very high expectations, but even that was a steep price for this poor boxed disc.

I will give the producers credit for providing a complex challenge for the viewer . . . to determine which is worst, the acting, the scripting, the camera work, the special effects . . . they all pretty much tie for just plain terrible. Oh, it has the absolutely WORST faked car crash ever used in a motion picture anywhere.

Now all this is pretty serious ridicule for a movie fan who proudly features 'Police Academy', 'Naked Gun', 'National Lampoon's Loaded Weapon" and a host of other campy discs in his collection. But, at least those folks know that ones tongue should be planted firmly in ones cheek, the cast of PW, unfortunately use their tongues in an attempt to deliver inane dialogue. And, although it is almost beyond my belief, the movies characters seem to think they might actually be doing something of value. A back room pornographer would be ashamed to release this mess.

Oh . . . lucky me bought the worst video ever made at the same time . .."Fraternity Demon" . . . maybe the name should have given me a hint.