Posed for Murder

Nudie model Laura (Playboy Playmate Charlotte Helmkamp) finds herself being stalked as she tries to juggle her modeling career, fitness and try to break into low budget movies in NYC. Ah, such is life in the big city. This routine slasher comes from Brian Thomas Jones, who had previously given us the gooey REJUVENATRIX (1988). Not much is going on here and you will probably guess the killer within 15 minutes (hint: there are only two major characters). Lead Carl Fury (real name?) is also a producer on this and makes sure to work in some love scenes with the always nude Helmkamp. In terms of worth, the film does function nicely as a late 80s time capsule of New York City, with lots of nighttime exteriors. The film comes in one of those Rareflix box sets and there is a bonus hidden commentary on the disc with Media Blasters employees Dave Beinlich, William Hellfire, and Richard York. Beinlich has done tons of research on the players and filmmakers and even goes so far as to track down the locations like a totally 80s gym. Fun stuff that makes the movie infinitely more watchable.

Apparently i'd seen this film before but remembered nothing from it. Pretty telling. This movie really isn't that bad though, it's exactly what you'd expect- a lot of cheesiness, intentional and unintentional comedy, bad dialogue, and an excess of naked women and exercise montages. It's surprisingly light on the gore however. In fact, this isn't exactly a slasher although it was marketed as one; really more of a thriller/suspense and a dark comedy making fun of the then recent trends in horror films. Lots and lots of poking fun at horror tropes and all the different Hollywood types. The fact that it's tongue in cheek makes it a lot more palatable, and it's a fun watch. I'd probably do it a third time, even. Despite the comedy the plot is still engaging with lots of twists and turns and red herrings. Guessing who the murderer is is a blast. But don't watch for the kill scenes, watch for the over the top cheesiness and nudity, and of course that 80s look and feel. A bad late 80s classic. 6/10

Laura (December 1982 Playboy Playmate of the month, Charlotte J. Helmkamp) is a model for a mens' magazine wishing to branch of to work as an actress in slasher horror films (I wonder why she played this part so well...) who's getting stalked by an overzealous ex-boyfriend with murderous tendencies in this apparently nonchalantly-written late '80's slasher flick. These type of films where just winding down at the time and this one didn't really bring anything at all new to the table to reinvigorate the dying genre (no pun intended) Aside from Helmkamp's admittedly spectacular body, I'd be hard pressed to name any other memorable part of this movie. Only for undiscriminating slasher fans, everyone else should steer clear.

Eye Candy: Charlotte J. Helmkamp is topless a few times

My Grade: D

Media Blasters DVD Extras: Original trailer for this film (with the words 'viewing copy' burnt it); and trailers for "the Incredibly Strange Creatures who stopped living and became mixed-up zombies", "the Hazing", "Somewhere, Tomorrow", "Rat Pfink & boo boo", "the Chilling", & "Faceless"

1 Easter Egg: go to the special features menu and move up to highlight 'Rare' to get a full-length feature audio commentary

This movie,which once peered from many a rack at many a VHS-rental store in the late 80's/early 90's (perhaps because no one ever rented it), has been resurrected recently on DVD thanks to Rare Flix and Media Blasters (perhaps some flicks are rare these days for a reason). It's not really a slasher movie, but more of a stalker movie along the lines of other 80's stalker flicks like "The Seduction", "Thief of Hearts", "Lady Beware", or "Party Line" (the latter of which I was once treated to a private screening of--because I was the only one in the theater). It was also an early direct-to-video/direct-to-late-night-cable "erotic thriller" and by the standards of THAT dismal genre it's actually not bad.

The heroine of the movie is a sexy men's magazine nude centerfold played by an, um, sexy men's magazine nude centerfold, Charlotte Helmkamp (at least she didn't have to stretch herself too much), who is being stalked by an obsessed fan. There are a lot of shots of her posing nude or in a various states of undress. On the other hand, there are also a lot of shots of the 'roided-up meatheads at the gym where she works out, so this might also appeal to all the "metro-sexuals" circa 1989. Personally,I have hard time getting nostalgic about the year 1989--1984-1986 certainly for personal reasons, and 1991-1992 were real water-shed years in movies and music--but 1989, ehhh.

But that leads me to the music in this movie. If I end in up hell, this is the kind of thing they will probably be playing (but without the visuals of Helmkamp getting naked). This movie does have a few things going for it. Helmkamp, at least, is a believable stalking victim (in a lot of later 90's movies, she herself no doubt would have been the crazed stalker). It's also certainly not the worst performance by a former Playboy Playmate. (This was in the days before Jenny McCarthy and Pamela Anderson-Lee-Michaels-Rock). This not the worthiest choice for a DVD release perhaps, but it's not terrible.

Pretty tedious stuff here, as pretty much anyone who has ever watched more than a couple whodunit flicks will figure out who the killer is within the first 30 minutes, after which you're just muttering "It's the............guy!" between yawns. A couple funny scenes, though. At the climax, she drops a 10" knife with brass knuckles for a handle into the sink and it lands, blade down, in the garbage disposal. The bad guy reaches in to grab it and she turns on the disposal which causes this large steel knife to get sucked down the drain like its chopped carrots or green beans. If that isn't stupid enough, the guy then puts his hand into the disposal to fetch it out and gets his hand messed up, while not even getting the knife out. Later, she manages to push the guy (who had to weigh at least 75 pounds more than her) into a full bathtub and then throws a running hairdryer at him, which he could have easily caught or just thrown out of the water before he gets electrocuted but, instead, just sits there and lets himself get fried. Apparently, the killer just liked to kill but wasn't big on self-preservation. All that aside, the leading lady sports some hearty chest meat, and you get to see it a few times while one gets the feeling this movie really wasn't meant to be taken all that seriously. It's watchable, dumb stuff, emphasis on the DUMB.