- Aunt Sofia: You still want to kill people?
- Mitch: Na, they're too stupid.
- Aunt Sofia: You're telling me - your grandfather's marrying the Bermuda Triangle!
- Vince: [at the cemetery, declining to join the funeral group] You go ahead. No. I'll wait right here. At my age, you don't want to get too close to an open grave.
- Larry: Remember the guy on the news who listened to Ozzy Osbourne so much that his parents sued because he became a mass murderer? Well, Aunt Irene told me today that she's thinking of suing now because cousin Donald listened to Barry Manilow over and over and he became a florist.
- Phil: Believe me, there's a future in garbage. By the year 2000, there's gonna be no place left for human refuse. Get in while the market's still open.
- Tish: My psychic, Mrs. Wong, is encouraging me to express myself. She says a lot of attractive women get depressed because they think people see nothing but their looks.
- Mr. Dionne: So, they drove to a shopping mall and parked in back of a supermarket, behind a dumpster, in our car, that I make payments on by sweatin' my ass off so she can sweat her ass off inside it! Sorry. That car was rockin' like an outta-whack washin' machine.
- Vince: [referring to Larry's motorcycle] I'm taking Mitchie with me. I don't think ridin' on that thing is good for his gonads.
- Maria: So what will happen to us?
- Larry: Well, we could be lovers or we could be friends.
- Maria: We are friends. If we're lovers, we have to lie. I don't think I can do that.
- Larry: Yea, me either.
- Maria: If we make love once and then never see each other again.
- Larry: Friends then. Very special friends.
- Weddingland Band: [singing for the groom and pregnant bride's first dance] See the stone set in your eyes, See the thorn twist in your side, I'll wait for you, And you give yourself away, And you give yourself away, And you give and you give...
- Tom: As soon as she said they were thinking about buying a car, I knew, if I could get her behind the wheel - bingo. Sale, commission, full sticker price. Then the car breaks down. See, that's the thing in sales, you have to concentrate on the woman.
- Maria: Women always like you, Tom.
- Tom: You believe me, don't you?
- Maria: Why shouldn't I? You're my husband.
- Tom: Last night never happened. You understand? I've changed my whole life today. I've cleaned up my act. No more women. Last night never happened. Understand? And if you ever say that it did, if you use the f-word about us, if any the "fu..." sound comes out of your mouth, I will denounce you as a liar and a home-wrecker. Do you understand?