- The Joker: Tell me something, my friend. You ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?
- Bruce Wayne: What?
- The Joker: I always ask that of all my prey. I just... like the sound of it.
- [shoots him]
- Vicki Vale: What do you want?
- The Joker: My face on the one dollar bill.
- Vicki Vale: You must be joking.
- The Joker: Do I look like I'm joking?
- Bruce Wayne: I know who you are. Let me tell you about this guy I know, Jack. Mean kid. Bad seed. Hurt people.
- The Joker: I like him already.
- [laughs]
- Bruce Wayne: Now you know the problem was... he got sloppy. You know? Crazy. He started to lose it. He had a head full of bad wiring, I guess.
- [Walks towards the fireplace]
- Bruce Wayne: Couldn't keep it straight up here.
- [Points to his head]
- Bruce Wayne: He was the kind of guy who couldn't hear the train until it was 2 feet from him.
- The Joker: Hmm.
- [Smiles and nods his head]
- Bruce Wayne: You know what happened to this guy, Jack?
- The Joker: [Shakes his head]
- Bruce Wayne: Well... he made mistakes. Then he had his
- [grabs a poker and smashes a vase]
- Bruce Wayne: LIGHTS OUT! Now you wanna get nuts? Come on! Let's get nuts.
- Vicki Vale: A lot of people think you're as dangerous as the Joker.
- Batman: He's psychotic.
- Vicki Vale: Some people say the same thing about you.
- Batman: What people?
- Vicki Vale: Well, I mean, let's face it. You're not exactly normal, are you?
- Batman: It's not exactly a normal world, is it?
- The Joker: [fuming] Batman... Batman... Can somebody tell me what kind of a world we live in, where a man dressed up as a *bat* gets all of my press? This town needs an enema!
- The Joker: [reciting his poem to Vicki] I'm only laughing on the outside / My smile is just skin deep / If you could see inside I'm really crying / You might join me for a weep.
- The Joker: Now comes the part where I relieve you, the little people, of the burden of your failed and useless lives. But, as my plastic surgeon always said: if you gotta go, go with a smile.
- Vicki Vale: [distracting Joker] Mr. Joker, you say such beautiful things. Oh, you're so powerful. And purple! Oh, I love purple.
- Batman: Excuse me.
- [Joker looks]
- Batman: Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?
- [punches him]
- Grissom: That you, sugar bumps?
- [turns around to see a man]
- Grissom: Who the hell are you?
- Joker: It's me, Sugar bumps.
- Grissom: Jack? Oh, oh, thank God you're alive! I heard you'd been...
- Joker: Fried? Is that what you heard? You set me up over a woman. A *woman*! You must be insane.
- [Grissom goes for his gun]
- Joker: Don't bother.
- Grissom: Your life won't be worth spit!
- Joker: I've been dead once already. It's very liberating. You should think of it as, uh... therapy.
- Grissom: Jack, listen. Maybe we can cut a deal.
- Joker: Jack? Jack is dead, my friend.
- [steps into the light]
- Joker: You can call me... Joker. And as you can see, I'm a lot happier.
- [laughs, and then proceeds to kill Grissom]
- Joker: As though we were made for each other... Beauty and the Beast. Of course, if anyone else calls you beast, I'll rip their lungs out.
- Alfred Pennyworth: I have no wish to fill my few remaining years grieving for the loss of old friends. Or their sons.
- [about one of his suits of armor]
- Bruce Wayne: It's Japanese.
- Knox: How do you know?
- Bruce Wayne: Because I bought it in Japan.
- Joker: I now do what other people only dream. I make art until someone dies. See? I am the world's first fully functioning homicidal artist.
- The Joker: And now, folks, it's time for "Who do you trust!" Hubba, hubba, hubba! Money, money, money! Who do you trust? Me? I'm giving away free money. And where is the Batman? HE'S AT HOME WASHING HIS TIGHTS!
- Dist. Atty. Harvey Dent: We've received a letter from Batman this morning. 'Please inform the citizens of Gotham that Gotham City has earned a rest from crime. But if the forces of evil should rise again, to cast a shadow on the heart of the city, call me.'
- Alexander Knox: Question. How do we call him?
- Commissioner Jim Gordon: He gave us a signal.
- [Commissioner Gordon activates the Bat Signal]
- Vicki Vale: He's really wonderful? He loves you a lot.
- Bruce Wayne: Alfred's a great one. I Couldn't find my socks without him.
- Joker: So gentlemen, that's how it is. Until Grissom, uh resurfaces, I'm the acting President, and I say starting with this anniversary festival, we run the city into the ground.
- Ricorso: Why don't we hear this from Grissom?
- Rotelli: Yeah. And what's with that stupid grin?
- Joker: Life's been good to me.
- Rotelli: What if we say no?
- Joker: Well, Tony, nobody wants a war. If we can't do business, why, we'll just shake hands and that'll be it.
- Rotelli: Yeah?
- Joker: Yeah.
- [Rotelli shakes hands with The Joker and starts to get electrocuted]
- Joker: Whoo! Whoo! Oh, I got a live one here.
- [the Joker starts to laugh hysterically, as Rotelli catches fire]
- Joker: [singing] Oh, there'll be a hot time in the old town tonight.
- [the Joker drops Rotelli, charred to a crisp, into his seat]
- Joker: [fanning away the smoke with his hat] Antoine got a little "hot" under the collar.
- Ricorso: You're crazy.
- Joker: Haven't you ever heard of the healing power of laughter?
- [He begins to laugh again and mops sweat from his brow, exposing a patch of chalk-white flesh]
- Joker: NOW GET OUTTA HERE!
- Vicki Vale: I just gotta know, are we gonna try to love each other?
- Bruce Wayne: I'd like to. But he's out there right now. And I've gotta go to work.
- [reaches for a pair of glasses in his pocket and puts them on]
- The Joker: You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on, would you? Huh?
- [Batman punches him]
- Joker: Have you shipped a million of those things?
- Scientist at Axis Chemicals: Yes sir!
- Joker: Ship 'em ALL! We're gonna take 'em out a WHOLE NEW DOOR!
- Alexander Knox: Mr. Dent, I love that tie. We were discussing the pros and cons of winged vigilantes. What's your stand?
- Dist. Atty. Harvey Dent: Mr. Knox, we have enough problems in this city without worrying about ghosts or goblins.
- Alexander Knox: Pardon me, but that's not a denial.