Alienator

...It just ain't that good. Prolific B movie director Fred Olen Ray has certainly done better. Despite the efforts of a very solid B movie cast, it fails to ever be as much fun as it should be.

Part of the problem is that Ray never is able to get much momentum going. "Alienator" plods too much for this sort of thing, it's full of nondescript characters, it's not much for continuity, its special effects are something less than special, and when all is said and done it ends with more of a whimper than a bang.

Too bad; the premise had some potential. A typically dull Jan-Michael Vincent plays a cranky warden on a prison spaceship who has one of his prisoners, a rebel leader named Kol (Ross Hagen) escape from him. So what he does is send Amazonian 'hunter unit' The Alienator (played by female bodybuilder Teagan Clive) after the fugitive, who's crash landed on Earth and made contact with some hapless Earthlings, including forest ranger Ward Armstrong (John Phillip Law).

Clive is quite a sight, and she does what she has to do well enough, although her character is nowhere near as cool or memorable as Arnold Schwarzeneggers' The Terminator. Her right hand and arm are encased in a laser weapon that weirdly sets its first victim on fire but then just makes the rest of the victims disappear.

The assemblage of talent here is truly impressive: also in the cast are P.J. Soles (wearing an oddly revealing outfit), Dawn Wildsmith, Richard Wiley, Jesse Dabson, and Dyana Ortelli; Wiley plays the most utterly insufferable of the various humans. Fox Harris (to whom the movie is dedicated) and Hoke Howell play a knuckle head pair of hunters, and it's a treat to see such veterans as Robert Clarke, Leo Gordon, and Robert Quarry (although Quarry, sadly, doesn't get to do a whole lot.) Horror fans will be delighted to see Joseph Pilato (a.k.a. Captain Rhodes from Romeros' "Day of the Dead") in a small role as a technician.

The location shooting in Topanga Canyon is fine, but otherwise this movie is underwhelming. Ray just doesn't give it much pizazz. If you're a very undemanding schlock lover, you may get some entertainment out of it, but it will likely bore most other viewers.

Five out of 10.

Intergalactic criminal Kol (Ross Hagen) has been sentenced to death and awaits execution on a spaceship designed for just such a purpose. But tonight there's going to be a jailbreak, and Kol flees on a conveniently-placed escape pod and flies towards Earth (which apparently is nearby). There he confronts a group of "teenagers" (who look thirty) and a game warden (John Phillip Law), who help protect him from his worst nightmare... the bounty hunter and executioner android (or more properly "gynoid") the Alienator.

From the cover of the box, I was confident this was going to be an awful movie. But, as awful as it turned out to be, it was a ton of fun as well (probably at least partially because I was watching it with someone who happens to be intensely awesome). The director (Fred Olen Ray), who has specialized in making over one hundred low-grade films (most notably "Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers"), does what he does best and throws together a plot that only half makes sense and gives us rudimentary special effects. Bonus: P.J. Soles appears (as "Tara"), obviously at a low point in her career.

Sure, there's plot holes. Why are there hillbilly rednecks in California (allegedly Los Angeles County if I understood the warden correctly). What's up with the space woman's tacky blouse? Why is there a subplot about the ship captain forcefully trying to win her heart when this story goes nowhere? What the heck is "Quadrant 5"? How does chicken wire create an electromagnetic field that will short-circuit an android, yet land mines do virtually nothing? Why does Kol look like a drunk, Native American football player with emphysema? And the Lund guy (Robert Clarke)... does his character even have a point? Does the game he plays with the captain have a point? Does this movie have a point? But the biggest mystery is the android (or gynoid) the Alienator, played by Teagan Clive. What is an "alienator"? Why does it look like Daryl Hannah from "Blade Runner", only much larger? Because, see, if something is a cyborg, it's part human. But if it's an android, it's all machine. This was an android, so there was no reason to make it look human. It could have looked like anything. Yet, the person who designed her made her the size of a linebacker, with David Bowie's hair and a leotard that shows me just a little too much. If you're going to make a female android, wouldn't the purpose be to have her be seductive and lure enemies in? Mission not accomplished. They say beauty comes in all shapes and sizes, but I think I found a huge exception.

If "Mystery Science Theater 3000" were still around today, this film would be on a very short list of movies that need to get harangued.

Beyond the butt-nasty Alienator (sorry, Teagan, female weight lifters are gross) the film is alright. Maybe there's not much of a story and maybe the characters aren't really very interesting. And maybe the scene with the deer is incredibly adorable for no particular reason -- what use does a killer robot have with a deer? But overall, I actually liked the movie. I won't be pimping it out to my friends or running out to my local video store to pick up the latest DVD copy (which I'm sure is just packed with amazing special features -- not). But I consider seeing this movie time well spent and look forward to similar adventures in the future.

(36%) One of the kings of intensive B-movie production, Fred Olen Ray attempted to cash-in on both Alien and the Terminator in one single movie, and the end result is this this pretty bad, yet still perfectly watchable sci-fi action/horror. The opening prologue set on a space prison (and clearly filmed in a disused industrial unit on the outskirts of Hollywood) offers maybe the most fun part of the whole movie with the cheap sets and the ridiculous costumes, the female character with two big holes in her top is especially comedic; but then again I doubt is this was ever intended to be taken in the slightest bit seriously. The alienator herself is a daft looking cyborg that appears to be made up of bits and pieces raided from a prop department and then rather cack handedly put together in a few hours. Fans of low-rent 80's cheese should give this a go as it isn't overly dull, or that badly made that it becomes unenjoyable to watch, but everyone else should stick to the films this wants to imitate.

Recipe for one of the worst movies of all time: a she-male villain who looks like it escaped from the WWF, has terrible aim with a gun that has inconsistent effects (the first guy she shoots catches on fire but when she shoots anyone else they just disappear) and takes time out to pet a deer. Then you got the unlikable characters, 30 year old college students, a lame attempt at a surprise ending and lots, lots more. Avoid at all costs.

Well, I had to be generous and give this a 2. This was mainly due to the gratuitous holes cut in that lady's shirt where her breasts are. I found that mildly amusing. Other than that, this movie does nothing more than provide a few good laughs with a friend. Funny if you're willing to throw "mystery science theatre" comments at it with someone, but it ain't no better than a 2. And a 2 pretty much sucks.