The Telephone

Well, this film finished off that sentence. This is the worst movie I have ever seen. Seriously and with no exaggeration. It is just awful. The entire movie is about Whoopi Goldberg's character talking on the phone. It's one of those movies where it starts out bad and you keep watching it saying "It's got to get better sometime, right?" Nope. Imagine talking to a monotone-voiced salesperson on the telephone for 90 minutes....that would be better than watching this film again.

If you want a better combination of Ms. Goldberg and a telephone, check out "Jumpin' Jack Flash," a very funny, if a little silly, comedy.

Or, if you want the second most awful movie ever, give "The Truth About Charlie" a look. The entire cast and crew should be forced to place formal apologies on Audrey Hepburn's and Cary Grant's graves.

If you think an entire movie about a woman alone in her apartment cant be entertaining,funny,sad and fascinating this movie will prove you wrong. There is even a plot twist or two that will take you by suprise. This movie in itself proves what a stunning talent Whoopie is and shows she's probably even more talented as an actress than as a comedian.

I saw this movie by accident once and i was stunned...One woman holds an entire movie creating you -the viewers- the feeling of communication...Whoopi relies on her talent to make you laugh...(Watch the scene while she is a chinese chef)..sometimes a bit more than she should.Nevertheless,it's ending gives you a "sixth sense" feeling.(Meaning an element turns upside down all that you think till now). A true original that gives a real challenge to any actor.

Little-seen comedy is out-of-order. Whoopi Goldberg-addicts were still around in 1988, despite the star's penchant for playing in dumb action-comedies that tarnished her overall appeal. Still, even hardcore fans would be hard-pressed to sit through this misfire, a troubled production that Whoopi tried unsuccessfully from getting released. She plays Vashti Blue--a terrific character name--an actress with a pet owl (!) who spends much of her time arguing on the phone. Vashti is neurotic, but not funny; Goldberg was encouraged to improvise dialogue by the suits at New World Pictures to bring some of her sassy stand-up act to the picture, much to the displeasure of Rip Torn, who directed. Torn was apparently in over his head--and seems to be a mismatch with Goldberg's fast-patter urban style. The screenplay (by Harry Nilsson and Terry Southern, of all people) doesn't offer us anything but a harangue, and Whoopi's star-presence fails to give it an edge. Shapeless and static. Goldberg had veteran cinematographer John A. Alonzo fired during production, replacing him with her husband, David Claessen. She also says her cocaine addiction was a factor in the film not working, but that "potheads absolutely love it."

Whoopi Goldberg's out of work actress spends the nights in her small apartment talking on the telephone to anyone who'll listen, her lifeline to the world and if not on the phone, entertaining the house guests; an owl and pet goldfish. That sums it up, really, that's it.

"THE TELEPHONE" directed by Rip Torn is executed like a stage-play, relying on Goldberg's presence; eccentric comic ability, interactions with her pets (foot bathing with a goldfish) and minor exchanges with a couple of actors (Severn Darden, Elliott Gould & John Heard). It's so random, almost improvised that you don't know where it's heading. You can say it's ambitious, even alienating. Once it hits the apartment, we can hear what's happening outside (traffic, voices, music), but that's where the camera stays, as we watch Goldberg ramble on until the cows come home. From trivial normality issues, venting or making low-brow jokes on the telephone, deciphering messages on the answering machine to stand-up comedy routines of impersonating nationalities, changing personas, watching footage of her standup comedy and even loudly acting out more than one person at the same time to annoy her complaining neighbors. Zany comic monologues after monologues after monologues, it's like watching someone bored out of their mind. Sex gags, toilet humour and stereotypical race jokes, but without an ounce of wit.

The one-idea concept while offbeat grows tiresome and at times crude. I didn't find it all that humorous, just bemused by it all. You don't learn that much about her character, head space wise, until she's around people in separate cameos of Darden, Gould (along with Amy Wright) and especially Heard. Her scenes at the end with Heard's telephone man is the poignant hook, as it can be both funny and sad, jarringly so, in what we learn of her obsession with the telephone.