- Elliot Mantle: Don't do this to me, Bev.
- Beverly Mantle: But I'm only doing it to me. Why don't you get along with your very own life?
- Elliot Mantle: Do you remember the first Siamese twins?
- Beverly Mantle: Chang and Eng were joined at the chest.
- Elliot Mantle: Remember how they died?
- Beverly Mantle: Chang died of a stroke in the middle of the night. He was always the sickly one. He was always the one who drank too much. When Eng woke up beside him to find that his brother was dead... he died of fright. Right there in the bed.
- Elliot Mantle: Does that answer your question?
- Beverly Mantle: Poor Eli.
- Elliot Mantle: Poor Bev.
- [first lines]
- Elliot, Age 9: You've heard about sex...
- Beverly, Age 9: Sure I have.
- Elliot, Age 9: Well I've discovered why sex is.
- Beverly, Age 9: You have? Fantastic.
- Raffaella: It's because humans don't live under water.
- Beverly, Age 9: I don't get it.
- Elliot, Age 9: Well, fish don't need sex because they just lay the eggs and fertilize them in the water. Humans can't do that because they don't live in the water. They have to - internalize the water. Therefore we have sex.
- Beverly, Age 9: So you mean humans would have sex if they lived in the water?
- Elliot, Age 9: Well they'd have a kind of sex. The kind where you wouldn't have to touch each other.
- Beverly, Age 9: I like that idea. Have you heard of scuba diving? It's just new.
- Elliot, Age 9: Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus.
- Beverly, Age 9: Exactly.
- Elliot, Age 9: [noticing girl on porch] Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
- Beverly, Age 9: Yeah, you ask her.
- Elliot, Age 9: Raffaella, will you have sex with us in our bathtub? It's an experiment.
- Raffaella: Are you kidding? Fuck off you freaks. I'm telling my father you talk dirty. Besides, I know for a fact you don't even know what fuck is.
- [retreats into her house]
- Elliot, Age 9: [walking away] They're so different from us. And all because we don't live under water.
- Beverly Mantle: Pain creates character distortion, it's simply not necessary.
- Claire Niveau: I'm often in a lot of pain.
- Beverly Mantle: What kind of pain?
- Claire Niveau: I think... psychosexual.
- Elliot Mantle: Why are you crying, Bev?
- Beverly Mantle: Separation can be a... terrifying thing.
- Elliot Mantle: Don't worry... baby brother... we'll always be together.
- Beverly Mantle: [examining Claire] That's fantastic.
- Claire Niveau: I've never heard anyone say that about the inside of my body before.
- Beverly Mantle: Surely you've heard of inner beauty?
- Beverly Mantle: [about the pills] You'll take an up so I won't take a down. This is crazy!
- Elliot Mantle: I'm not you, Bev.
- Beverly Mantle: [crying about Claire] Yesterday, I found out she was having an affair. She's unfaithful to me, Eli.
- Elliot Mantle: Bev, you mustn't take it so seriously. She's a showbiz lady. What can you expect?
- Beverly Mantle: [sobbing hysterically] I'm in love with her! I have to take it seriously!
- Elliot Mantle: It can't be love if it does this to you, can it? It can't be love, Bev.
- Claire Niveau: I've heard that you live together in the same apartment.
- Beverly Mantle: We both like Italian furniture.
- Claire Niveau: You've got a woman's name. Beverly. Why did your mother give you a woman's name?
- Beverly Mantle: It's not a woman's name. It's just spelled different.
- Claire Niveau: Does your brother have a woman's name too. Meriam spelled with an E and an A?
- Beverly Mantle: What are you trying to suggest? That I'm gay or something? That my mother wanted girls? What the fuck is this BULLSHIT PSYCHOANALYSIS?
- Elliot Mantle: Bev, you haven't done anything until I've done it too. You haven't fucked Claire Niveau until you've told me about it.
- Beverly Mantle: Then I haven't fucked Claire Niveau!
- Beverly Mantle: There's nothing the matter with the instrument, it's the body. The woman's body is all wrong!
- Elliot Mantle: We've got to take a shot of Dilantin tonight, otherwise we might convulse. Don't forget. Then we go to Percodan in the morning. And in the afternoon, we have a little treat, Dilaudid, just because it's Saturday.
- Claire Niveau: Listen. Doctor. I think there's something wrong with you. I don't know what it is, I can't put a label on it, but you're subtly - I don't know - schizophrenic? Or something. Sometimes I like you very much. and sometimes, you're an amusing lay, not much more. And I cant figure out why.
- Beverly Mantle: [he extracts and rattles a prescription pill bottle]
- Claire Niveau: [sympathetically] Beverly.
- Beverly Mantle: One for you. One for me.
- [they both ingest a pill]
- Beverly Mantle: What's that?
- Elliot Mantle: Butazamine. She's heard that it makes sex come on like Nagasaki.
- Beverly Mantle: [alarmed] You're not feeding her pills, are you?
- Elliot Mantle: Listen, baby brother. I've got her number. This lady's hustling us for drugs.
- Beverly Mantle: I don't think that's true at all.
- Elliot Mantle: I think we should drop her, Bev.
- Beverly Mantle: You drop her!
- Elliot Mantle: This is unknown territory we're moving into.
- Laura: Dear Beverly, dear Elliot. There are those that claim they can't ever tell the difference between them, but not me, dear. It's obvious to me that - well, perhaps before I go and say anything gauche you'd better tell me which one you're seeing.
- Claire Niveau: You mean to say there's two of them?
- Laura: Don't be an ass, dear, of course there are two of them. They're twins, dear, identical twins! My dear, you've gone absolutely pale. Have i said something?
- Claire Niveau: No, no, not at all. Where's that waiter? I want some coffee.
- Laura: Oh, how sick making. I have said something, haven't I?
- Beverly Mantle: Are you still doing the mini-series?
- Claire Niveau: Re-shoots. The director didn't know what he was doing.
- Elliot Mantle: You could adopt.
- Claire Niveau: It wouldn't have been part of my body.
- Elliot Mantle: I know what you mean.
- Claire Niveau: [during a physical exam] Well, are all the necessary parts there, Doc?
- Beverly Mantle: Yes they are, though there are a couple of extra ones that shouldn't be.
- Claire Niveau: Not funny.
- Beverly Mantle: Uh no, I wasn't joking.
- Elliot Mantle: [on seeing her medical chart for the first time] What, THE Claire Niveau?
- Beverly Mantle: Yeah.
- Elliot Mantle: Ooo! What's she doing here?
- Beverly Mantle: She's doing a miniseries. She's got 3 agents and a bodyguard in the waiting room.
- Elliot Mantle: And her life is empty without children.
- Beverly Mantle: How did you know?
- Elliot Mantle: Oh come on, Bev, everyone knows that. Don't you ever read the National Enquirer? "Star's Life Empty Without Children"?
- Beverly Mantle: Well, I hope the National Enquirer also explained how we can make her fertile, because I don't think i can.
- Beverly Mantle: [spotting her at an art gallery] Claire.
- Claire Niveau: Yes? Oh, it's you. Or should i say, "Which one of you is it?"
- Beverly Mantle: Please, Claire, don't.
- Beverly Mantle: A lot of you are probably wondering how we divide the work. It's like this. I slave over the hot snatches, and Elliot makes the speeches! I do everything for those bimbos except take them home and stick it in them!
- Elliot Mantle: Actually I was the one who fucked you first, but I gave you to my baby brother because you weren't very good.
- Beverly Mantle: Carefully lubricate the two prime fingers of your right hand, and insert them into Claire Niveau's vagina! Instead of feeling one cervical head, you will feel three. Basically this means that you have been fucking a mutant!
- Claire Niveau: He's developing a a serious little drug problem. Do you realize that?
- Elliot Mantle: I thought you were the one with the drug problem?
- Claire Niveau: It's an occupational hazard.
- Elliot Mantle: Same goes for Beverly.
- Elliot Mantle: [Taking pills] Beverly and I just have to get synchronized. Once we're synchronized, it'll be easy.
- Claire Niveau: That was my secretary Birchall. He's defiantly gay, and you managed to gross him out completely.
- [Beverly drunkenly crashes Elliot's award ceremony]
- Elliot Mantle: [under his breath] You alright?
- Beverly Mantle: I've had a lot to drink.
- [taking over the microphone]
- Beverly Mantle: I just want to say something. I just want to say something. Uh, there's been a fraud perpetrated here tonight. The whole thing's a fraud! *He's* Beverly and *I'm* Elliot!
- Elliot Mantle: [whispering] Just say "thank you" and get off.
- Beverly Mantle: [jerks away] No, I want to say something else, I want to say something else.
- [to the audience]
- Beverly Mantle: A lot of you are probably wondering how we divide the work. Well, it's like this. I slave over the hot snatches! And Elliott makes the speeches!
- Elliot Mantle: [appalled] For God's sake!
- Beverly Mantle: I do everything for those bimbos except take them home and stick it in them!
- [collapses on the floor]
- Elliot Mantle: [awkwardly addressing the crowd] Well, he's clearly been doing a lot of celebrating, and who can blame him? Thank you so much. Thank you.
- Elliot Mantle: [feigning surprise] This is some feisty lady you've found, Beverly!
- Claire Niveau: Let's be frank, okay, Elliot? Let's ease up on the bullshit for one moment. You can be honest with me. After all, I am laying both of you, aren't I?
- Claire Niveau: [to Beverly] Sweet little act you have: you soften them up with all that smarmy concern, and along comes Dracula here and polishes them off!
- Beverly, Age 9: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
- Elliot, Age 9: Yeah. You ask her.
- Beverly, Age 9: Raffaella, will you have sex with us in our bathtub? It's an experiment.
- Raffaella: Are you kidding? Fuck off, you freaks! I'm telling my father you talk dirty. Besides, I know for a fact you don't even know what "fuck" is!
- [she walks off]
- Beverly, Age 9: They're so different from us...
- [last lines]
- Claire Niveau: [Beverly phones up Claire on a payphone] Hello. Hello? Who is this?
- [Beverly hangs up]
- Beverly Mantle: [startled by a half-naked Cary] Good God! I didn't know you were here.
- Cary: Shh, shh, Ellie's asleep. His plane doesn't go till noon.
- Beverly Mantle: [admiringly] I didn't realize you two were so friendly.
- Cary: We're not so friendly. You gonna take a shower?
- Beverly Mantle: [awkwardly] Um, no, I, uh. I... You go ahead.
- Cary: [smiling coyly] Okay, see ya.
- Claire Niveau: I feel like such a fool. actually. I must be the only woman in town who doesn't know about the *fabulous* Mantle twins.
- Beverly Mantle: [nervously] What are you drinking?
- Claire Niveau: Nothing. I want to be very sober right at this moment, I want to be very clear. There really isn't any telling you apart, is there? Absolutely identical in every respect.
- Elliot Mantle: [casually] I'm actually a couple of millimeters taller.
- Claire Niveau: I bet if someone knew you both -- how shall I put it? -- knew you both *really* well could tell the difference, couldn't they? Without measuring your height! I mean...
- Elliot Mantle: [intrigued] What do you mean?
- Claire Niveau: Well, Beverly's the sweet one and you're the shit. Am I right?
- Claire Niveau: You absolute shit! Explain what? Explain what! Listen, I've been around a bit, you know, and I thought I'd seen some creepy things go on in the movie business, but I really have to say this is the most disgusting thing that's ever happened to me.
- Elliot Mantle: [condescendingly] I doubt that.
- Claire Niveau: What is it with you, chum? You can't get it up unless your brother's watching?
- Elliot Mantle: [to Beverly] I told you this was a bad idea. Really stupid! I'm leaving.
- Claire Niveau: [storming out of restaurant] Don't bother!
- Elliot Mantle: [to Beverly] Well, that solves that problem.
- Claire Niveau: You resent me tremendously, don't you?
- Elliot Mantle: You contribute a confusing element to the Mantle brothers' saga, possibly a destructive one. Not personal, I think you're terrific.
- Claire Niveau: But I just don't have a role in the Mantle brothers' saga.
- Elliot Mantle: [seductively] I suppose, if you like us both in the same way, might make things easier. It has been known to happen.
- Claire Niveau: I'm sorry, but I can't.
- Elliot Mantle: [staring in a mirror] Am I really that different from Beverly?
- Claire Niveau: You really are.
- Claire Niveau: What did you do to me last night? I'm still vibrating all over.
- Beverly Mantle: I learnt it from books.
- Claire Niveau: I wish more men would read those books.
- Elliot Mantle: Bev, you've got to try the movie star. She's unbelievable. Don't worry, you'll be all right. Just do me.