- Stacy: [narrating] Okay, when I first met Vinny, I thought, this guy is a living argument for birth control. But as I get to know him better, I realize he's just like the rest of us: a mess.
- [Nick leaves the room to fetch a condom.]
- Stacy: [to the camera] This is a miracle! For once it's all up to him. No tubes, no jellies, no furtive trips to the bathroom... I can just sit back and let it happen. I don't have to do anything.
- Nick: [returning] I'm not too good with these things. Can you give me a hand putting it on?
- [Melissa's dream.]
- Matthew: I lied. I was extremely attracted to you. I just didn't want you to see my unusually small penis.
- [While being measured at the health spa.]
- Vinny: If you'd like me to provide you with some vital statistics that can't be measured in a public place, I'd be happy to do so.
- Female Attendant: You mean your IQ?
- Vinny: Hey, need a lift?
- Stacy: Vinny! What are you doing here?
- Vinny: I was just driving around the neighborhood. Last night I did something-- Look, it's like this. It's Christmas Day, I'm sitting around my house, right, I'm all alone... so, uh, I hop in the limo... 24 hours later, I wind up in Chicago. And I say to myself, Vincent, where the hell you going? That's when it hits me... I'm coming to see you.
- Stacy: You drove all that way just to see me?
- Vinny: Hey, only 4 days and, what, 18 speeding tickets.
- [After she dumps him.]
- Nick: Okay, that's okay. But let me tell you, you're making a big mistake. 'Cause I am going to make it.
- Stacy: Good.
- Nick: I'm going to be huge. I'm going to be bigger than huge! I'm going to be on the cover of Rolling Stone magaz-- no, forget that. I'm going to be on the cover of Time magazin-- no! Forget that... I... I... am going to have... *more fans than Elvis*!
- Stacy: Good.
- Nick: Yeah! And I won't even be dead! Think about it.
- Unknown suitor: Melissa, marry me!
- Melissa: Do I know you?
- Unknown suitor: No, but I just met your parents and they really like me.
- [About the sexy Megan.]
- Stacy: Don't let it get to you. Just think, if you separated her individual body parts with, say, like a huge a meat cleaver, and then laid them out on a table, you wouldn't think she was such hot stuff.
- [Melissa's dream.]
- Dr. Goodman: The good news is that your Blue Cross will cover this visit. The bad news is that you have herpes simplex I and II, trichomonas, gonorrhea, acute
- [sic]
- Dr. Goodman: immune deficiency syndrome related complex, vulvar lesions, secondary syphilis, venereal warts, and a potentially unbearable case of crabs.
- Melissa: But he was only the third guy in my life, and the first one didn't count!
- Dr. Goodman: Oh, all contact counts.
- Melissa: But I thought I had safe sex.
- Dr. Goodman: Oh, no sex is safe enough for you, Melissa. Well, enjoy the rest of your vacation.
- [Plunges huge needle into her.]
- [Several minutes into the attempted seduction.]
- Melissa: What's the matter?
- Matthew: We have a problem.
- Melissa: Well, what is it?
- Matthew: I can't. I'm sorry.
- Melissa: Is it me?
- Matthew: No no no, it's not you. It's me. I'm not attracted to you.
- Melissa: Oh.
- Matthew: Now, I don't want you to take this as a rejection, but as an acceptance between two people whose needs are profoundly incompatible. And you're not alone. I devote an entire chapter to this in my book.
- Vinny: Y'know, I used to have it all figured out. It's like women changed when I had my back turned.
- Melissa: Uh, this is one that the kids at school told me. Why did the chicken go halfway across the street?
- Vinny: Why?
- Melissa: He wanted to lay it on the line. --You're not laughing.
- Vinny: Oh, not yet, not yet. Inside, it's building, it's building. About a half hour from now I'll be rolling all over the beach, I'm telling you. You won't be able to stop me. I'll be in hysterics.
- Stacy: I was celibate for so long, I started to feel like a can of kitchen cleanser: you know, sterile and gritty and abrasive. When we made love -- I don't know, I felt like a human again, a mammal, with breasts.
- [After reading the "Pretend You're Sensitive Handbook".]
- Vinny: Stacy, how nice to see you. Do you have a few minutes? I mean, it occurred to me, I don't even know where you work.
- Stacy: Where I work?
- Vinny: Yeah, you know, your career plans, your dreams, your aspirations... I really want to hear all about them.
- Stacy: What I want? I don't even know -- ask me what anyone else wants. Give me three seconds, I'll figure out your whole entire life.
- Vinny: Would you maybe want to share something with me about your childhood, perhaps?
- Stacy: Vinny, what the hell are you talking about? I'm in a big rush. Look, I have to go talk to Melissa, because if I don't figure out something about my life soon, I'm going to crack!
- Vinny: I respect your strength, Stacy, and I think you've got a lot of potential!
- [Everyone is wearing a cap with a hollow post on top.]
- Emcee: Well, I hope you've kept your flags well hidden, because if you haven't guessed by now, the person whose flag matches yours will be your date for the evening. Okay? But now the moment's come, so let's unfurl our flags, let's just take them out right now, let's wave them up in the air, shall we? Come on, there we go, wave it, wave it, there we go. This is how it works. You take your flag, and you stick it in the lovely hole right on top of your head, that's right. Just like that. Then, when I blow the whistle, you run, find your partner, fall in love, and have babies. Yes, it's that easy!