- Officer Kornblau: It was a regular fuck-o-rama at my place last night.
- Officer Lack: Can the shit, Kornblau. There ain't been any pussy at your pad since your mother helped you move in. They oughta call your place the House of Whacks.
- Capt. Earl Armbruster: Just because Dellaplane had a few family problems...
- Action Jackson: The man's son is a sexual psychopath! If I had family problems like that, I'd have myself neutered.
- Capt. Earl Armbruster: You almost tore that boy's arm off!
- Action Jackson: So? He had a spare.
- Officer Kornblau: So what's your name?
- Albert: A-Albert. A-Albert Smith.
- Officer Lack: Albert, your mother and father weren't by any chance brother and sister, were they?
- Albert: Hey man, what's gon' happen to me?
- Officer Kornblau: Oh, nothing. Uh, wel-nothing much, uh... you might have to endure a little session with, uh, Action Jackson.
- Albert: Wh-who's Axon...?
- Officer Lack: *Action*, Albert. *Action Jackson*.
- Officer Kornblau: Yeah, some say he didn't even have a mother. That some researchers at NASA created him to be the first man to walk on the moon without a space suit.
- Officer Lack: Mm-hmm.
- Officer Kornblau: Others say his mother was molested by Bigfoot and, uh, Jackson is their mutant offspring.
- Officer Lack: They bring in Jackson when they want to re-educate some young ne'er-do-well such as yourself, Albert.
- Officer Kornblau: Yeah, I remember one kid got re-educated so bad, his testicles climbed back up into his belly. Wouldn't come out.
- Officer Lack: They called it a medical miracle.
- Officer Kornblau: Yeah. Another kid, handcuffed to a chair; gnawed his own hand off like a trapped skunk, or wolverine, or somethin'.
- Peter Dellaplane: You have this nickname - what is it, excitement, enthusiasm, esprit de corps-
- Action Jackson: [cutting off Dellaplane] -It's ACTION!
- Officer Lack: Have you ever had your head forcibly rammed up your ass?
- Officer Kornblau: uh, no
- Officer Lack: Well mark your calendar...that day's coming!
- Sydney Ash: [Final exchange of the movie] You said you wouldn't team with a junkie. How about an ex-junkie?
- Action Jackson: Wait a minute. You kidding?
- Sydney Ash: Cold turkey. You can have me on Thanksgiving. How's that?
- Action Jackson: Can I have you any sooner?
- Officer Kornblau: Police emergency! We're commandeering your car!
- Woman driving car: The fuck you are!
- [Drives away]
- Albert: Jackson, why did you have to bring me along in the first place?
- Action Jackson: You remind me of a old friend.
- Albert: Then why didn't you bring your old friend?
- Action Jackson: He's dead.
- Albert: Damn, man why did you have to tell me that?
- Detective Kotterwell: [Kotterwell notices Albert lying unconscious on the floor of his cell.] Looks like your friend fainted again. What'd you do? Threaten to white him out?
- Action Jackson: No, I just showed him a picture of your girlfriend.
- Action Jackson: You gonna take me in?
- Detective Kotterwell: Any reason I shouldn't?
- Sydney Ash: [In the distance, a window SMASHES. They turn. Sydney leans out of the bedroom window.] JACKSON!
- [Jackson looks at Kotterwell]
- Detective Kotterwell: Fuck it.
- [He tosses him the gun, and Jackson runs off.]
- Action Jackson: Sydney, I'd like you to meet an old friend. In this century, Paradise Valley has produced two great fighters. Joe Louis and Kid Sable.
- Sydney Ash: Pleasure to meet you, Mr. Louis.
- [She shakes his hand and sits down on the steps groggily.]
- Kid Sable: I see you found yourself a real fight aficionado.