- Alex P. Keaton: Remember when we were kids and I run you over with my bicycle?
- Erwin 'Skippy' Handleman: Yes.
- Alex P. Keaton: I have a car now.
- Steven Keaton: [walks into the kitchen] What's this?
- Elyse Keaton: Andrew drew it. It's a picture of a dog. I told him that he couldn't have a dog because Mallory is allergic to dogs.
- Steven Keaton: What's this?
- Elyse Keaton: It's a picture of Mallory moving away.
- Andrew Keaton: Alex is reading me "Robin Hood," where he robs from the poor and gives to the rich.
- Steven Keaton: That's not Robin Hood, that's Ronald Reagan.
- Mallory Keaton: Dad, Alex, this is Jamie Carter.
- Alex P. Keaton: Aaaaah!
- [jumps into his father's arms]
- Steven Keaton: It's okay, Alex. She said Jamie, not Jimmy.
- Elyse Keaton: Alex was offended by our political magazines and ripped them up.
- Alex P. Keaton: You have no proof.
- Elyse Keaton: Yes we do. We found your rattle on the floor next to the evidence.
- Alex P. Keaton: It could have Mallory's.
- Elyse Keaton: It was your Nixon rattle.
- [Uncle Ned is an alcoholic]
- Alex P. Keaton: You just drank a whole bottle of vanilla extract.
- Ned Donnelly: I'm sorry; did you want some?
- [drunken Ned throws newspaper clipping in the fireplace]
- Alex P. Keaton: Hey, don't do that. Here give me those.
- Ned Donnelly: Leave me alone!
- Alex P. Keaton: Give me those!
- Ned Donnelly: [screaming] LEAVE ME ALONE!
- [slaps Alex]
- Steven Keaton: What the hell are you doing?
- Ned Donnelly: I don't know. I don't know. I'm sorry. Sorry, Alex.
- [Ned cries]
- Steven Keaton: [quietly, but furious] All right, Ned. That's it. It's over. Right now, either you get some help... or you get the hell outta my house.
- Mallory Keaton: The meaning of life? That's simple. Try to be happy, try not to hurt other people, and hope to fall in love.
- Steven Keaton: I can't wait to try this Pasta Alex, Alex.
- [Speaks with womanly voice]
- Alex P. Keaton: I love a man with a healthy appetite.
- Alex P. Keaton: Mallory, someone stupid called... sometime today... about something trivial.
- Mallory Keaton: Alex you know that could be any one of my friends.
- Alex P. Keaton: [after Nick makes Andy a dream hat, to help him go to sleep] I had not idea Nick could be so... useful.
- Alex P. Keaton: [Mallory scored higher than Alex on an IQ test] I want you, Mallory! I want you! I can take you with one brain tied behind my back!
- Nick Moore: We can walk on coals / Have ninjas fight us / Just don't get gingivitis.
- Steven Keaton: [later as he's sleeping] We can walk on coals / Have ninjas fight us/ Just don't get gingivitis.
- [wakes up]
- Steven Keaton: Elyse, I had a nightmare. I dreamed I was Nick.
- Steven: [reading from a card given to him by Alex] "Alex is more than a son. He's a companion, a friend, whom I can spend many long hours with discussing the economy, world events and politics." Alex, if I read this out loud, I'm afraid I'll be struck by lightning.
- [Alex nods towards Elyse]
- Elyse Keaton: [reading from her card] Mom, please read the "Alex is more than a son" speech, if dad refuses.
- Steven Keaton: I love you, Elyse.
- Elyse Keaton: No, I love you more, Steven.
- [Elyse and Steven make kissy noises through the telephone]
- Alex P. Keaton: [shouting from upstairs] Oh, for crying... will you hang up the phone?
- Steven Keaton: [walks into the kitchen] What's this?
- Elyse Keaton: Andrew drew it. It's a picture of a dog. I told him that he couldn't have a dog because Malory is allergic to dogs.
- Steven Keaton: What's this?
- Elyse Keaton: It's a picture of Malory moving away.
- Alex P. Keaton: [Referring to a current infatuation] Of all the Basic Applied Economic Principles of Capitalism in the Post-Industrial Era Seminars in the world, you had to walk into mine.
- Elyse Keaton: Don't you remember? We said we were going to be creative this year and make gifts instead of spending a lot of money Christmas shopping.
- Steven Keaton: Well, I know we said it, I just didn't know we meant it.
- Andrew Keaton: Jennifer... I've witnessed the one state that has no capital. So you see, it's the responsibility of every American to look after Ireland.