Tulips

If ever there was a movie that SHOULD have been directed by Alan Smithee....

"Tulips" basically details the "romance" if that's the word, between an odd woman (Peters) and an even odder man (Kaplan) who is contemplating suicide.

Though this was billed as a comedy, I didn't laugh. Nope, not even a smile. Not a snicker. This isn't even worth laughing at condescendingly.

A product from our neighbors to the north (Canada, for those of you not reading this in the United States), this is the leading reason why Kaplan is best remembered for "Welcome Back, Kotter".

Lord knows he'd prefer it that way.

And as for Bernadette...well, the less said about her involvement, the better.

One star. Please, someone plant these "Tulips" six feet under.

Most people who have seen Tulips hated it. I like it a bit better because it covers an important topic that Hollywood often shies away from: depression and loneliness. Though the film is supposed to be a comedy, there aren't many laughs but it is still interesting to watch the two main characters. I always felt Gabe Kaplan was an underrated talent and this film shows he could do more than just tell uncle jokes.

Gabe Kaplan plays a suicidal tuba player in Montreal who hires a notorious hitman to rub him out...but, the next day he falls in love with the equally-suicidal Bernadette Peters. Ah, fate's fickle hand! Unsuccessful effort from uncredited co-writer Kaplan took three directors to bring it in--Rex Bromfield, Mark Warren and Al Waxman--all using the same pseudonym, "Stan Ferris". Had the tuba player fallen in love with the hitman, they might've had a funnier picture. As it is, he rescues the woman from a burning car and they fall for each other after much arguing. Although distributed by the reputable AVCO Embassy Pictures, "Tulips" looks like somebody's home movies; François Protat's cinematography is a visual insult (he should have used the "Stan Ferris" excuse, too!). Kaplan, heavily-bearded and almost unrecognizable from his tenure on TV's "Welcome Back, Kotter", is quite comfortable under the disastrous circumstances, oblivious to the fact he's starring in a turkey. When he's actually acting and not trying to be a stand-up comedian, Kaplan has some appeal (he gives a few of his bantering lines opposite Bernadette a little snap), but Peters is lost at sea without anything to do but shriek. Henry Gibson adds a bit of class as the hired killer (named Avocado!), and there's one brief moment wherein Kaplan gives Peters a box of chocolates that is wonderfully played (he confesses he got hungry, hence a half-empty box). Too bad the rest of "Tulips" wasn't as assured: the editing is choppy, the direction is manic, the cartoony music by Edward Karam is ridiculous, and the gloppy color is such an eyesore that the entire final third of the picture is unwatchable. *1/2 from ****