Jaws of Satan

Jaws of Death (1981)

1/2 (out of 4)

It's common knowledge that THE EXORCIST and JAWS made a lot of money at the box office. It's common knowledge that both films had countless, needless rips that would follow throughout the decade. What isn't common knowledge is why it took so long for someone to try and take both films and mix them into one. The film starts off on a train as a large snake breaks free and lands in a small Alabama town where it starts to kill people. We then flash forward to a Priest (Fritz Weaver) whose father happened to have been fighting Druids or something and it turns out that Satan himself has taken over the body of this snake. This true excitement leads to a dingy cave where the Priest must perform an exorcism on the snake. I'm fairly convinced that Satan's an evil guy but if The Rolling Stone's Sympathy for the Devil thought me anything, it would be that evil Satan would be ashamed to be associated with this film. There are bad movies then there are movies like this that make no sense at all and will leave you scratching your head every few minutes. It should be noted that Dean Cundy (HALLOWEEN, THE FOG) did the cinematography here and Christina Applegate made her screen debut. With that out of the way, this movie gets off to an incredibly bad start. We're on the train when a number of stupid events take place and not a single one of them makes any sense. The second man the snake goes after has a shot of the snake where we can easily see the glass between it and the man. What's worse is that this piece of glass is not only seen but it's extremely dirty from previous takes The story itself is all over the place as it's never quite clear what's going on as we got Satan taking the body of a snake but then we have the Druid plot thrown in for whatever reason. As in JAWS, we have the evil mayor who wants to keep the story on the quiet side so that a dog track can come to town. The performances are all bland to poor but we don't necessarily come to a movie like this for the performances. For the most part the snake attack scenes are rather tame but there are a few quick shots of blood. We get one stupid scene after another but in the end there's no doubt that this here is one of the worst rips of either JAWS or THE EXORCIST.

This flick here still unavailable on DVD as I am writing this was made in the heydays of horror. But what this film does is showing us how not to make a horror.

It's hard to believe with a cast like this that this is really a turkey. A snake is supposed to be Satan and terrorises a town. Looks promising but it's so low on everything and really has cheesy effects that I would classify it under a big failure. Bob Claver, the director in fact never made another movie, he was more into series. But the direction I could dig but the storyline and effects were laughable.

In the beginning when the snake attacks on a train you could easily spot the glass partition between the snake and the victim, and it gets funnier when you see the snake hitting the glass. Further on you only see the bitemarks of the snake on swollen faces.

The acting was okay, face it, big names from the genre were in it, Fritz Weaver and Gretchen Corbett of many famous horror flicks. But why most people are hunting the US VHS down is for the performance of the 10 year old Christina Applegate, here in her first role ever. And you will recognize her immediately due her eyes.

Jaws Of Satan is only worth watching for Christina fans or for the lovers of bad horror flicks. maybe some will want to see Gretchen walking around in her nudies but it's clean edited with nothing to see. It doesn't deliver scariness or blood, it's a lot of blah blah and you really must see the cheesy ending.

Gore 0/5 Nudity 0/5 Effects 1/5 Story 2/5 Comedy 0/5

This movie is never really sure if it wants to be one of those, "Nature is going to totally kill you" movies or a "Satan is behind everything" movie. So it tries to be both and we aren't really sure who our protagonist is, the drunken Priest or the Dashing Herpatologist.

So there's a town where an evil demonic snake takes control of all the other snakes and start randomly biting people. But the Snake is really Satan, trying to get the last of the priests from the line that drove him out of Ireland. Or something. If you were confused, so were the directors and writers.

The Jaws element is that they are keen to open a dog racing track even though people in the town are being randomly bitten by snakes.

The movie is kind of a meandering mess, ending in a cave where the drunken priest confronts Satan-snake... and frankly, it's kind of a letdown. I take back what I've said about all the over the top CGI sequences in movies, at least they have something going on.

JAWS OF SATAN begins on a train carrying dogs for the new dog track, and one snake. What sort of snake? Why, a cobra. What kind of cobra? A devil cobra! We know this because of its powers. Powers, I say! Powers that kill! Kill! Killll! By the time it gets off the train, it's all alone.

Enter Father Tom Farrow (Fritz Weaver). At a party, a psychic named Evelyn Downs (Diana Douglas) is busy "picking up vibes", and knows a lot about Father Farrow's family history. His lineage has made him a prime target for Satan! This means he's doomed!

DOOOMED!!

Enter Dr. Maggie Sheridan (Gretchen Corbett), who's investigating the killer-devil-snake deaths. Of course, there's political tension, due to the opening of the pivotal dog track, so no one wants the bad publicity associated with killer-devil-snake deaths! Dr. Sheridan calls in an expert. More k-d-s deaths occur, causing mayhem.

Indeed, the Evil One has come to town by train, and taken the form of a cobra, in order to kill people. He's also recruiting other snakes to do his bidding. Just like in the bible! Even Dr. Sheridan is attacked, and wails like a banshee-on-fire, causing romance to bloom between her and the snake expert.

The absurdity increases exponentially, as Farrow discovers the terrible truth of his family tree. He must now face off against The Serpent, or the dog track is finished!

Watching adults pretending to take all of this seriously is a joy to behold! Norman Lloyd nearly steals the show, during his heart attack scene! Luckily, he's already at the cemetery! This all leads up to the slithery, slippery, snake-den showdown, complete with organ accompaniment.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS: Snakes are eeevil tools of Satan, and must be destroyed!

THE IMPORTANT QUESTION REMAINS: "Why doesn't Satan like dog racing?".

My friends, much mirthful fun is contained herein...

Aside from being Christina Applegate's debut, there is really nothing notable about this failed attempt at combining religious hokum with animal life on the attack. Fritz Weaver guts it out and turns in a decent performance as a small town priest whose ancestors are responsible for a curse being brought upon his parish. It seems that hundreds of years prior, his ancestor stamped out a druid cult and now their spirit is reborn in the form of a king cobra! And this king cobra happens to have jumped off a circus train after killing the crew just as it passes through this small Alabama town!!! YES You heard that right!! Now, the cobra casts its spell on other snakes in the area and causes them to randomly attack anyone they encounter! All this while a new dog racing track is about to open. And the mayor and the guy building it of course won't let anything delay the grand opening! No matter how many people get bitten! It's up to the priest to re-discover his faith and drive out the evil snakes!!! As you can tell from the above paragraph, this film is laughable. At least Snakes On a Plane apparently knew not to take itself seriously. (I've never seen that one, but that's what I understand) But Jaws of Satan plays it straight and only generates unintentional laughs! So many goofs! Plexiglass between the snakes and cast members is clearly visible in some scenes. In one scene, the sheriff is called to stalk a dangerous snake in a hardware store. The snake is clearly just a harmless gopher snake, but they try to make it seem like its attacking him!! We hear a gunshot, even when he clearly did not fire the pistol. Then, the snake just kind of slumps onto the floor... clearly not dead or harmed! The music is absolutely wretched, the film is filled with padding like people driving or taxiing down a runway in a little plane. Thought I was watching R.O.T.O.R. for a moment with all that padding! Lots of ancient clichés abound. We get a morgue attendant who leaves food lying around dead bodies and acts casual while eating next to corpses. Seen that one in so many others.... We see an expert brought in from out of town, but he doesn't amount to anything. Just serves as a love interest for a female town doctor. I don't know where to stop with my criticism, so I'll just do it here. Awful film! 2 of 10 stars.

The Hound.