- Fozzie: [pleading] We'll do better next time.
- News Editor: Next time? Next time!
- [pounds fist into desk]
- News Editor: What makes you think there's gonna be a next time?
- Kermit: Well, if there isn't it's gonna be a real short movie.
- Miss Piggy: [to Nicky] You! It was you! Kermit was right! You're a phony. You're a phony! Yes, you are! And you know what, you can't even sing! Your voice was dubbed!
- Miss Piggy: [Lady Holiday has just given Miss Piggy the entire backstory for the movie] Why are you telling me all this?
- Lady Holiday: It's plot exposition. It has to go somewhere.
- Kermit: Now if we want to get Miss Piggy out of jail, we're gonna have to catch those thieves red-handed.
- [Beauregard raises his hand]
- Kermit: Yes, Beau?
- Beauregard: What color are their hands now?
- [First lines]
- Kermit: [In a hot air balloon] Pretty nice up here, isn't it?
- Fozzie: Kermit? What if we drift out to sea? What if we're never heard from again? What if there's a storm? Or - we get struck by lightning?
- Gonzo: That'd be neat.
- Kermit: Listen, nothing's gonna happen. These are just the opening credits.
- Fozzie: Oh. Where are they?
- [Title card appears]
- Fozzie: Wow!
- Kermit: The Great Muppet Caper.
- Fozzie: Nice title.
- Nicky Holiday: Miss Piggy... You're a very different looking woman. I'm so tired of the same type, those tall thin creatures with the long legs, the aquiline noses, the teeth like pearls, soft skin...
- Miss Piggy: Yeah, well, I can see where that might make you sick to your stomach.
- Gonzo: Stop the presses!
- News Editor: Why? What happened?
- Gonzo: I don't know. I just always wanted to say that.
- Kermit: We were wondering if you could recommend a nice hotel. Actually, a cheap hotel.
- British Gentleman: How cheap?
- Fozzie: Free.
- British Gentleman: Well, that narrows the field a bit.
- [reading from his guide]
- British Gentleman: Let's see. "Places where you can park your carcasses." Bus terminals... River banks... The Happiness Hotel...
- Kermit: Happiness Hotel? That sounds great.
- Gonzo: What's wrong with bus terminals?
- Lady Holiday: Give Stanley a tip, Nicky.
- Nicky Holiday: For complimenting you on your necklace?
- Lady Holiday: No, because it's customary.
- Nicky Holiday: I haven't any change.
- Lady Holiday: Then give him something bigger.
- Nicky Holiday: *Bigger*? I left my wallet at home.
- Lady Holiday: You left your wallet in college.
- Air Steward: All out for England!
- Kermit: Oh, great! The plane is landing!
- Air Steward: The plane? No, the plane lands in Italy.
- [opens cargo door in mid-flight]
- Air Steward: *You* land in England!
- Air Steward: OK, guys, everybody out for the USA!
- Fozzie: Oh, boy! Hey, How close are we?
- Air Steward: Oh, about 30,000 feet.
- Kermit: You mean...
- Air Steward: Yep...
- [opens cargo door in mid-flight]
- Air Steward: Happy landing!
- [starts tossing the Muppets out of the plane]
- Prison Guard: Miss Piggy.
- Miss Piggy: What?
- Prison Guard: Your lawyer is here to see you.
- Miss Piggy: Lawyer? I don't have a lawyer.
- Prison Guard: Och, sure you do. Little green guy.
- Miss Piggy: [short intake of breath] Kermie. Oh. No wonder he hasn't come by to see me. He had to finish law school.
- British Gentleman: For once the forecast was right. It said it was going to rain cats and dogs.
- Kermit: No, no. We're bears and frogs.
- Gonzo: And Gonzos.
- Kermit: But... Nicky, why are you doing this?
- Nicky Holiday: Why am I doing this? Because I'm a villain. It's pure and simple.
- Fozzie: [drinking champagne] You know, if you put enough sugar in this stuff, it tastes just like ginger ale.
- Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: I suggest we jump.
- Fozzie: Are you crazy? That's at least a hundred feet!
- Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: I didn't say it was a *good* suggestion.
- Beauregard: Maybe we could jump part-way.
- Fozzie: [about run-down hotel] If that's the Happiness Hotel, I'd hate to see what the sad one looks like.
- Miss Piggy: [about Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem's playing] They don't have to play this loud.
- Kermit: That's okay, they don't mind.
- Lady Holiday: Carla, the neckline on that gown is too high, don't you think?
- Carla: I rather like the effect.
- Lady Holiday: You like looking like an ostrich?
- Carla: [miffed] Of course not, Lady Holiday.
- Lady Holiday: And Marla. Too many frills and furbelows, I don't think we should strive for the fan-tailed pigeon look, do you? And you, Darla, that outfit's the pits. Loose where it should be tight and tight where it should be loose, like the folds on a turkey's neck. Why would I design such atrocious looking clothes?
- [sitting down with a heavy sigh]
- Lady Holiday: I *must* be getting senile.
- [she presses a button on her desk]
- Voice over intercom: Yes, Lady Holiday?
- Lady Holiday: We have to make drastic changes in the new line before the show tomorrow, all my girls are going around looking like barnyard animals.
- Miss Piggy: Ahem!
- Lady Holiday: Good heavens, who are you?
- Miss Piggy: My name is Miss Piggy, and I would like to be a high-fashion model!
- Lady Holiday: Doesn't surprise me. Seems to be the way we're headed.
- Miss Piggy: Oh, Kermy! Oh, I've missed you so!
- Kermit: [stiffly] Please, the name is Rosenthal.
- [lowers voice]
- Kermit: I'm your attorney, that's the only way they'd let me in here.
- Miss Piggy: Oh, right! Oh, I've missed you so... Rosenthal. It's been an eternity.
- Kermit: [puzzled] It's been forty-five minutes.
- Miss Piggy: Time goes slow in the cooler.
- Pops: [banging on bathroom door] Hey! What's goin' on in there? Lotta folks out here need to use the restroom!
- Kermit: Well, we're developing these pictures, we'll be out as soon as we finish. We're trying to catch a jewel thief.
- Fozzie: A jewel thief!
- Pops: Well, catch him in another room, people are dancing up and down on one leg out here!
- Miss Piggy: [at the supper club] Well, what a delightful menu!
- [Kermit looks at the menu and gasps]
- Miss Piggy: What?
- Kermit: [nervously] Oh, hah, nothing, it's just sort of amusing that the roast beef is the same price as an Oldsmobile.
- Fozzie: Hey, Kermit, I'm getting hungry.
- Gonzo: Call room service.
- Kermit: There's no phone.
- Rizzo the Rat: That's OK, there's no food, either.
- Kermit: Piggy? Piggy, you're overacting.
- Miss Piggy: What?
- Kermit: You're overacting. You're hamming it up!
- Miss Piggy: I am not! I am trying to save this movie.
- Kermit: Yeah, well save your performance instead!
- Miss Piggy: Well, as you can see from this small sampling, modeling is my life. It is my destiny, I shall accept nothing less.
- Lady Holiday: I can offer you a job as a receptionist.
- Miss Piggy: [jumping up and down and shouting] AAAAAAAHHHHH! I'll take it! I'll take it! Oh, thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, you won't be sorry, I promise. I can type, I can take shorthand, I can make coffee, I can do it all!
- Lady Holiday: Sit.
- [Miss Piggy immediately sits down and calms herself]
- Miss Piggy: I can sit. I'm very good at sitting.
- Miss Piggy: Do you know where Lady Holliday's Baseball Diamond is being kept?
- Truck Driver: Well, funny enough, I do: it's at the Mallory Gallery, a virtually impregnable fortress many miles from here.
- Miss Piggy: Oh! I only have a half an hour to get there!
- Truck Driver: On foot? You'll never make it.
- Miss Piggy: I know! How about a ride?
- Truck Driver: You can read, I presume? "No passengers."
- [He points to the sticker on the truck's door]
- Miss Piggy: Oh, couldn't you make an exception for little old moi?
- Truck Driver: Not even for little old vous.
- [laughs]
- Miss Piggy: Pretty please?
- Truck Driver: No!
- Miss Piggy: [strained] I've tried to be nice.
- Truck Driver: Huh?
- Miss Piggy: [Piggy throws the driver out of his truck and into the garbage cans] Hii-yahh!
- Oscar the Grouch: [emerges from a trash can] Hey, what's all the racket?
- Truck Driver: What are you doing here?
- Oscar the Grouch: A very brief cameo.
- Truck Driver: Me too. Tsk, tsk.
- Fozzie: [shouting] Hold it!
- Fozzie: [the room grows quiet] Sha-ame on you! I thought we were in this thing together. I'm just as scared as you are, but this has to be done! We don't want the bad guys to win. We gotta do this,. for- for- for justice! For freedom! For honesty!
- Scooter: Boy, do I feel ashamed.
- Pops: Me, too. I feel like two cents.
- Rowlf: I'm back in.
- Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: You can count on me!
- Floyd: [with a mix of sarcasm and sincerity] Oh, hey, I was only joking. Yeah, it'll be a lot of fun to go out there and risk our lives.
- Dr. Teeth: [everybody says "Yeah"] All for one, and one for all.
- Janice: Yeah!
- Sam the Eagle: At times like this, I am proud to be an American.
- [Sam harrumphs as he leaves the doorway]
- Lady Holiday: I have grave doubts about wearing these jewels. I feel as if thieves are breathing down my neck.
- Nicky Holiday: [breathing down her neck] Thieves aren't breathing down your neck.
- Beauregard: Takes awhile to get to know the town.
- Fozzie: How long have you lived in London?
- Beauregard: All my life.
- Kermit: How come you don't have an English accent?
- Beauregard: Hey, I'm lucky to have a driver's license!