La mansión de los muertos vivientes

Jesus Franco is a director who has made dozens of horror, soft-porn crossovers that all have in common that they are being really bad ones. If you ever wondered what sort of movies Ed Wood would be making, would he still be alive today, all you have to do is pick up any random Jesus Franco movie.

By credit this movie is a remake of the 1971 Spanish horror-classic "La noche del terror ciego" but quite frankly, this movie has very little or nothing to do with that movie. Seriously, don't watch this movie expecting an horror, for this movie is more all about its nudity and lesbian fondling than about any horror. As a matter of fact there aren't even scares or graphic killings in this movie. Just a couple of hooded men standing around and occasionally, not so graphically, raping a girl.

As always, the story is an absolute mess and very little in the movie is making sense. The way the entire movie is progressing is laughable and just very far from convincing. It has some really stupid characters in it, that you just don't ever care about. Jesus Franco doesn't seem to be able to see and fill up any gaping plot-holes, or he just simply doesn't care about it. Either way it's a bad thing.

And yes well, then there are some of the sex sequences that literally come out of nowhere often and show absolutely nothing. I don't even think that the lovers of soft-core porn flicks are going to get excited by anything that gets shown or done in this movie.

Again Jesus Franco uses his own wife Lina Romay in the movie as the main lead. Like all of the other girls she spends most of her time walking around naked in the movie. The girls in this movie are either being naked, having sex with each other, getting raped by a man, or talking each others head of, like a bunch of annoying, loud, naive, helpless, chicken.

I must say though that I still enjoy watching older Franco movies better than the newer ones, that he is still making this present day and age. At least these movies still had a bit of style over them and got shot at location instead of in a studio or in the garden of one of the cast-members.

Trademark bad Jesus Franco stuff.

3/10

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As I am a true adept of all pulp, trash and schlock, I really like some of Jesús Franco's work (some directed under pseudonyms) - Vampyros Lesbos, She Killed in Ecstasy, Venus in Furs, Count Dracula, Eugenie de Sade, Mondo cannibale and others are well made and entertaining movies empowered by the powers of cheese and pulp, some starring actors like Christopher Lee, Klaus Kinski. Sadly, La mansión de los muertos vivientes or Mansion of the Dead is no such trashy and spicy piece - neither the art of horror nor the powers of Venus are strong in this one. The cinematography is also not good. A few days ago I put this one on my screen and cannot say if I ever watched this one before ore not. Anyway, this time I used the fast forward button rather freely and wondered the whole time why Franco made this boring and tasteless piece. To all who do not know his work, don't watch this one (first), put some of the movies I mentioned on your screen, or try other ones, on Imdb the maestro got directing credits for 206 movies...

La mansión de los muertos vivientes bathes in the surreal fog of euro-horror excess, but much like its half-buried zombies, it never fully rises from the sand. There's an eerie sense of quiet to the opening minutes, an almost meditative atmosphere created by long, static shots of desolate coastlines and abandoned structures. Franco, ever the provocateur, knows how to stage a dreamlike environment, and the cinematography does try to evoke something otherworldly, though it's often undermined by flat lighting and unsteady framing. There's potential in the location work, especially the monastery ruins that seem to loom with menace, but the camera lingers too long and says too little.

The acting is exactly what you might expect from a Franco genre outing in the early 80s: languid, loosely directed, and often secondary to the film's real priorities (which, let's be honest, are sex and spectacle). Lina Romay, a frequent collaborator of Franco's, gives a performance that's oddly watchable despite the minimal material she's given. Her expressions hint at emotional undercurrents the screenplay never fully explores. The rest of the cast drifts through the scenes, seemingly as lost as the script itself, mouthing lines that feel incidental rather than essential.

Atmospherically, the film reaches for slow-burn dread, but the tension rarely sustains. Instead, the pacing feels narcotized. Scenes of nudity are as abundant as they are repetitive, lacking narrative propulsion or deeper significance. The undead monks, while conceptually intriguing, appear too briefly and with little payoff. The sound design doesn't help either, relying on stock moaning effects and a synth-heavy score that wobbles between hypnotic and outright distracting.

Still, there's something oddly captivating in how Franco commits to his bizarre cocktail of sexploitation and gothic horror. It doesn't quite work, and it certainly won't land for most audiences, but it's a curio-a fever dream framed as cinema.

Mansion of the Living Dead (1982)

* (out of 4)

I've seen around eighty or so Jess Franco flicks and this one here was probably my most desired to see. An unofficial entry into the Blind Dead series, this film takes place at a deserted hotel where four waitresses have gone for a vacation. Soon, the living dead Templars show up to sacrifice them. As is to be expected, there's all sorts of nudity and lesbian sex because the cast members, which includes Lina Romay and Eva Leon, (from Naschy's House of the Psychotic Women) are just downright horny. We get various sex scenes, which are sometimes erotic but after a while they become quite tiresome. As for the horror elements, they are incredibly weak. In the interview on the disc Franco admits he hates living dead films and he doesn't even like Romero. Franco should probably watch this film again and see how bad it is. Every single item here is deadly dull and the story makes no sense whatsoever. I actually kept myself somewhat entertained by trying to figure out what must have been in Franco's mind while coming up with the story here.

So, I get this movie on the basis that it's supposedly a remake of Tombs of the Blind Dead, a good movie. It's all in Spanish and the closest thing to Spanish I can speak is a little Latin. No problem, I'll fast forward to the Templars.

Yeah, right, what Templars? The movie starts out with some eeeeeevil cultists meandering around a ruined church, carrying torches. For all the world they look like Ku Klux Klansmen. Then, onto something completely different, as four female friends check into a rather large resort that seems to have no guests and only one guy staffing it.

I'd be alarmed, wouldn't you? They apparently aren't, as they start having all sorts of graphic (for a movie of this calibre) lesbian sex. Quite a bit of nudity. Easy on the eyes, as well. Anyhow, some other mysterious guy shows up, has sex with two of the four women, then has a couple discussions with them. Is the the one that threw a meat cleaver at them when they were doing some nude sunbathing? What's with that creepy little guy spying on them? All negated, as one of the women (who was hiking around some church ruins) is killed by a death cult of some sort that bears no resemblance whatsoever to the promised Templars. More chicanery occurs before the main character is raped and...something. She shows up, offs the other two females. The Klan is defeated (?) by a giant cross, then walks off as the movie ends. I think my copy is missing a minute or two, because the ending as such is terrible, there are no credits, yadda yadda.

The movie itself is dull. There're none of the promised Templar knights, just some Klansmen with really dry skin. There's no gore, no violence, and the film-making is inept. Several scenes last entirely too long, several close-ups are impossible to make out, the absence of any type of music in many parts is annoying, and the death cult appears from nowhere.

Since the nudity and lesbianism is the only reason a male would want to watch this film, it'd be more recommended to pick up some sort of porn. Recommendation to avoid this film, even from a completist point of view.