Gymkata: el terrible juego

Mullet Wars at its best man. As expressed numerous times, anyone that loves laughing at movies, who appreciates camp value, mullets, bad acting, extremely poorly acted sequences, bad fight scenes, indiscernible plot configurations, and yes THE MULLET, you will love this movie.

Everyone around here is giving such glowing remarks about the camp value of the film maybe its high time we talk about just why this movie is BAD. If you're in the mood for an epic adventure action movie, do NOT see this one with hopes of coming out with your testosterone cravings sated. Such is the curse of bad kung fu movies without genuine kung fu artists. Why did this movie fail dismally at its objective? Well I can think of a few reasons off the top of my head. First off, as alluded to, this is an action-epic type of movie with definite parallels to Enter the Dragon. Martial Artist chosen by government to go to some isolated little known area of the world to help the United States' cause by outwardly competing in some kind of competition/game.

So given its obvious reaching for Enter the Dragon memories, you would think Clouse would have made an attempt to grab some good actors, the kind of martial artists that could easily impress the audience with their moves. So who did they get? All white guys, including an olympic gold medalist in gymnastics, Kurt Thomas. So where in the martial arts action epic genre some directors sacrifice acting talent and bad english for superb martial arts (Ninja 3: The Domination, a bad movie with some pretty good martial arts), and other directors sacrifice superb martial arts for well spoken english, boyish charms, and great acting ability (David Carradine and Jeff Cooper in Circle of Iron, a must-see if you love martial arts genre whacky movies) Clouse has in this case sacrificed "acting ability" of all variations for bad english and *horrible* martial arts sequences.

Why else is this movie an utter failure at its objective? Well, part of the magic of Enter the Dragon was its theme of Shaolin martial arts. This, especially at the time, was kind of a popular mystical topic that few understood, but most everyone thought was "cool". In this way, anything Eastern involving mysticism or fighting is a veritable well of immediate movie value (hence the 80's ninja craze). The problem with this movie is it gave the feel of a popular mystic subject without using any of the popular mysticism that gives this type of movie instant entertainment value to movie-goers regardless of accuracy. The biggest attempt at this might be the name "gymkata" because it sounds kind of Eastern, and the premise of mixing western and eastern styles. But in actuality this premise is little better than a line in the movie, because there is NOTHING else in the movie to support it.

Why else? Bad sequences, choreography, and directing. When I think about this movie and Enter the Dragon, I can't help but think that Clouse truly just was not trying with this movie. Its the only way to explain his complete inept job of directing this movie. The subplots are bare and underdeveloped. The premise of the movie surrounds a "game" whose rules and dynamics are completely indescernible, baffling, and plain dumb. As previously expounded upon, the coincidences in this movie are terrible such as the infamous pommel-horse town of the crazies scene. My honest guess is that after Kurt Thomas won the gold medal, some money grubbing crazy producer (the kind responsible for making 7th sequels and whatnot) decided to capitalize on gold medal fame by starring a gymnast in a martial arts movie, then proceeding to blackmail Robert Clouse into directing such a film, and Clouse in his attempt to get back at his blackmailer, sabotaged his own film by putting a bunch of bad-acting white guys who can't fight in a martial arts genre movie, sticking in poorly developed subplots such as the love story between the princess and the gymnast, and overall making a movie that any director would sit back, watch on the big screen, take the ONLY copy of the film, lock it in an iron chest, and bury deep within the earth's core.

The best thing about "Gymkata" is that it takes itself very seriously. Actual men and women worked on this film with no intention of creating a hysterically abominable failure. Yet, despite a premise that fails to produce anything beyond derisive laughter, the project somehow landed financing.

Highlights include: The Khan of Parmistan, a man who looks like Albert Einstein with Carl Levin's comb-over. "The Town of the Crazies," a village of criminally insane people. A man who severs his own hand for no apparent reason in the aforementioned town. A man (also in that town) who wears a cloak with the back cut out to reveal his buttocks. The oft-repeated location, "Karabal, on the Caspian Sea." The title card that lets us know when we've arrived at "Karabal, on the Caspian Sea." Princess Rubali and her odd fascination with cutlery. A man named "Thorg," who has been admired by the hero "since Munich." An actual line of dialogue that refers to "a nightmare in hell." The five punch/kick sound effects that get recycled beyond believability. A character who presumably fell to his death in a gaping, barren canyon only to have his fall "broken by some trees." The random placement of gymnastics apparatuses. The complete lack of resolution to numerous dangling plot points. Kurt Thomas's wardrobe and haircut. The men working at "The Salt Mines," who just poke a large pile of refined salt with hoes. Also, we get the privilege of seeing a shadowy government agent push away a gymnastics groupie who tries to get too close to a post-dismount Kurt Thomas.

If you happen across this movie, you must watch it. "Gymkata" stands as an example of what happens when no one offers a dissenting opinion anywhere in the filmmaking process. This is a technique that was later revealed in Joel Schumacher's "Batman & Robin."

"Gymkata" fulfills every expectation you may have of a film combining gymnastics and ninjitsu. Plenty of gymnastics, plenty of ninjitsu. See it with a friend and enjoy its many failures. All hail "Gymkata!"

I met Kurt Thomas at a gymnastics even in 1992. First thing I said to him was "Gymkata?" It is probably not difficult to imagine the look that came over the poor man's face at that point.

But I love Gymkata. We used to watch it for its tremendous entertainment value as an all-time great "bad" movie. My own personal favorite parts are the pommel horse in the medieval lunatic asylum, the guy saying "there is some anti-American sentiment going around here" immediately before being shot with an arrow, and of course the "Yak-MALLA!" war cry of "Parmistan." Oh, yeah, the four or five repetitions of "Karabal, on the Caspian Sea" before the place is shown with just that as the caption on the screen.

Yak-MALLA indeed!

JP Marat L'Ami du Peuple

It's a rare film that actually attains the heights which it reaches for in a world so filled with really bad chop-socky flicks.

Which brings us to "Gymkata"... which succeeds in being the absolute WORST.

A shock, since it was directed by the same Clouse who gave the world "Enter the Dragon", Bruce Lee's signature film. But then, what can you expect in an action film that features Buck Kartalian?

The real star is Kurt Thomas, or at least that's what the credits say. But if every actor had as little talent as he, there would be no need for Lee Strasberg. Let's just say as an actor, Thomas makes a great gymnast.

Which is all this movie really calls for. Kurt plays a gymnast recruited by the CIA to help the good old US of A claim a distant land for their "Star Wars" military post. Great, we all think, until we realize Darth Vader won't be making an appearance.

But this also isn't a "Rambo"-style actioner - Kurt doesn't go in with machine guns and grenades, ready to blow this peace-loving country into submission. No, he is instead trained in the lethal art of gymkata, which consists of walking up a stairway using only your hands, carrying on a conversation with yourself with intermittent back-flips thrown in every so often and hoping and praying to God that wherever you fight there will be uneven bars, pummel horses and other gymnastic-looking pieces of architecture about.

Why all the training? BECAUSE, dear movie-lover, this aforementioned foreign country will only give its land over for military use to whichever nation's representative can finish a deadly kind of decathlon where everything from arrows, scimitars and the mentally-unbalanced are thrown at the competitors. Of course, with no other weaponry in evidence, it's shocking that Russia hadn't already claimed it. Heck, Australia could have shipped all their excess kangaroos over and kicked everyone into submission in less time than this movie takes.

Anyhoo, "Gymkata" is about as graceful as a doped-up rhinocerous and twice as intelligent. Of course, for entertainment value, there's always the Village of Crazies and Buck Kartalian playing the ruling Khan. Yes, the same Buck Kartalian who once played the lead in "Please Don't Eat my Mother", about a guy and his carnivorous plant (Buck played the guy).

And if you thought THAT movie was derivative....

No stars, no hope, no future and (please) no sequels for "Gymkata".

I understand there is also a 1978 movie called "Gymkata Killer". Well, there went the ONLY original thing about this movie - its title.

It's hard for me to explain in words the passion i have for this work. If you will imagine me thrusting my hands into a chalk bag and clapping them together - bursting an advancing white cloud into the air - but mentally - before i can begin to describe to you the unadulterated genius of Gymkata - then you may begin to fathom this...passion. A gymnastic Tour de Force for Thomas. Who doesn't loose themselves watching this and straddle their ottomon in Bruce Lee-like pantomime as Thomas "pommelhoarses" several battalians of earnest shedsmen?