Birds of Prey

Around the one-hour mark a couple actors are actually called upon to act, which is so disastrous that it clicks in just how much the filmmakers have managed to achieve with their scant resources. No stupid repartee or filler driving shots in this Edmonton police procedural; its tale of murder and mistaken identity is terse above all. Jorge Montesi does his best Dirty Harry impersonation as "Detective Carter Solo"; he's also the director, editor, co-writer, co-producer, art director and sometime camera operator. But unlike most one-man shows, he clearly knows what he's doing, giving us clever staging, smart tension devices, memorable images and remarkably compact storytelling. The film hardly even suffers as it disperses its narrative haphazardly between three protagonists - Montesi, the small time crook caught in the frameup, and the silent female assassin - one of several women who are strong enough to defeat their own objectification. It's no great font of moral wisdom that's for sure, and some elements are secondhand, and the ending is a bit unsatisfying. Also, is that the Kraft Cheese guy voicing the shadowy underworld boss? But on balance, it does its formula proud.

Meet Jorge Montesi. Who? He's the writer/director/producer/editor and lead actor of "Birds of Prey". This seriously has to be one of the dumbest, dullest, most incompetent and wannabe hardcore action flicks I've ever seen in my life. Everyone in this production parades around like they're starring in the biggest gangster epic since "The Godfather", but basically the story and especially the characters are completely retarded and implausible. The plot supposedly takes place in a big metropolitan city; overruled by prostitution, corruption and dirty business. The lead pimps – the alleged true lords of the criminal underworld – are all elderly men, chubby and either bald or grey. They sure try to act tough, but they're obviously cheerful grandpas that Montesi recruited in an old folks home. The slightly younger actors, including Jorge Montesi himself, all wear pornographic mustaches. The plot is a bunch of nonsense. The super-mega pimp, who never shows his face but must be close to 90-years-old judging by the sound of his voice, commands the execution of several unimportant pimps and wants that small time crook Harry Card takes the blame for them. Harry just happens to be the best friend of badass cop Carlos Solo and he believes in his innocence. What kind of cop has a criminal as his best friend. They actually play pool together and visit each other's mother, but apparently have an agreement never to exchange information about their jobs. What the hell? Oh yes, the executions are taken care of by a female assassin (super-tough, of course) who sort looks like a mingling of Melanie Griffith in "Body Double" and Brigitte Nielsen in "Beverly Hills Cop II". The cast and their performances would be hilarious if they weren't so damn pathetic. "Birds of Prey" is filmed in the ugliest place on earth, which apparently is a place called Edmonton in Canada, and the attempts at bringing action footage are miserable. A car chase in this film lasts approximately two streets before the idiot behind the wheel crashes and the car spontaneously catches fire. There's nudity but the women are unattractive and, in the end, the bad guys triumph. Excellent. I'd really encourage more people to watch this, but it only exists on VHS and will probably never find its way to DVD.

A nameless blonde woman, under the orders of a mysterious crime boss, systematically disposes of targets he selects. The police have no idea of her existence, and blame some other poor low-rent criminal instead. It's up to him and two weirdly-accented coppers (Puerto Rican?) to discover the truth behind the lies. But with danger lurking on every turn, and even Santa Claus (or at least a guy who resembles Jolly Old Nick to a tee) on their back? Do they have a chance? Who thought this was worth filming anyway?!

Well, you have to feel the poor soul who was the director of this low budget tosh. Not only did he probably receive a pauper's salary in exchange for forever having his name associated with it, he was also forced to shoot on some of the most dirty, boring streets ever seen in a motion picture. Everything in the background is boarded up, and there are no extras in sight. No cash left over for any extraneous life signs? How realistic... NOT. What did the guys do between takes, count rat carcasses? Still, at least he got to see Linda Elder (Her name is appropriate, she ain't no spring chicken) strip off for a shower in a the customary Gratuious Nude Scene. I must admit though, that my eyes weren't so much savouring the beauty as wondering why so many 80's chicks have visible tan-lines when they disrobe. Didn't they know how to use a tanning booth?

The plot is pretty hard to follow as we flip between the perspectives of the law officials and their lovelives, the top dogs in the crime world while they plan who to bump off or betray next, and the silent female assassin as she pursues her targets Terminator-like before putting a bullet between their eyes. The excitement level never reaches higher than lukewarm though, as cheap effects and bargain basement staging put an end to any real chance of suspense. One curiosity is: why is it called BIRDS OF PREY? If they are referring to the hitwoman, then shouldn't they drop the plural? After all, there is only one of her. Unless they cut the other individual from the film. It did seem pretty short I guess. Something to save for the deleted scenes on the DVD? Nope, I don't see something this lacklustre being re-released somehow...

Are you astounded by that though? I mean, this movie has no comments at all on IMDb (apart from my soon-to-be-published one THANKS MODS) and considering how many other obscure movies have at least one, this is quite an achievement. Oh, well at least it's broken its duck now. HURRAY!! If any old crew members want to celebrate with me, do get in touch. After all, it's not like you have anything better to do with your time. You can PM me by clicking on my username. I would also be interested in what you thought when you saw the final fruits of your labours. Do I hear a collective scream?! Nah, probably just my imagination... ;) 2/10

I'm amused that this movie actually has a listing here. It was filmed in Edmonton, Alberta back in the middle of a cold winter, then again every winter is a cold winter in Edmonton. I'm almost embarrassed to admit this, but I was one of the nameless uncredited extras in this movie. I'm in two scenes, one at the police station and the other during the raid at the hotel. I played a detective in both scenes. The only compensation I ever got was one dry cake donut. As for the shower scene, considering their budget I thought she was attractive.

I never saw this movie in any theaters. It wasn't until 1988 that it turned up on the movie channel here in Canada that I finally saw it. I barely remember anything about it, story wise that is, just a few scattered images. Yeah, it wasn't much, but then again, considering it had virtually no budget I will give it a couple points for the effort, and the shower scene. I have seen worse movies with bigger budgets. I wouldn't mind finding a copy of this movie in VHS or DVD for nostalgia sake, but I'm sure I never will. Anyway, that's about all I have to say about Birds Of Prey.