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I have what I call "The Adrienne Barbeau Theorem," which is as follows: Big breasts, in and of themselves, are not enough reason to watch a terrible movie. Ironically, there are two movies that strongly test my theorem, and one of them is Adrienne Barbeau's "Swamp Thing." The other is an abysmal '80s slasher flick titled "They're Playing with Fire." Sybil Danning plays an English professor (so much for realism) who seduces one of her young students (Eric Brown) in order to make him a patsy in a murder plot in which she's involved. Despite its familiar ring, this plot line is several generations (not to mention quality points) removed from "Double Indemnity" and its ilk. In fact, the movie's slasher motif is so sordid, even for this genre, that it's painful to watch. The movie would be deservedly forgotten, were it not for Danning's astounding sex scenes.

These scenes, particularly the first one, are as jaw-dropping as anything you're likely to see in a mainstream, R-rated movie. While not as anatomically graphic as your average porn video, Danning in the altogether amply displays enough, er, enthusiasm to get her point across. In fact, she's so enthusiastic, you lose any sympathy for the kid she's seducing. Here's this gorgeous, buxom blonde twisting the night away on top of him, and he can't think of anything better to do than *make conversation* with her! Obviously, the kid needs an education in more than English.

Other than the all-too-brief scenes in which Danning demonstrates why a date with her would fetch a small fortune on an auction block, the movie's only element of interest is in seeing Alvy Moore, who played Hooterville county agent Hank Kimball on TV's "Green Acres," hitting a career low as a gas-station manager who's dumb enough to hire and re-hire the kid as an attendant even after he's dumped the job on the promise of some loot from Danning's English professor. The only thing that could have made this movie more bad-memorable would be to pair Danning with fluttery Hank Kimball: "Welcome to Hootersville, I mean Hooterville! Sorry, I was blinded by your headlights, I mean my car headlights. The car is strangely stacked, I mean built, I mean..."

The voluptuous Sybil Danning is apparently considered to be the chief attraction of this film for most viewers, but the plot also holds some inherent interest as a murder mystery. Unfortunately, the film is visually ugly and murky, and it's further hampered by a totally arbitrary, out-of-the-blue resolution. (**)

That Eric Brown, what a lucky dude. First in Private Lessons with Sylvia Kristel and then in They're Playing With Fire with Sybil Danning the boy is doing well with the cougars.

However other than those titillating sex scenes there's not much to recommend either film. Danning seduces Brown but that's at the behest of her husband Andrew Prine. They're both tired of sitting around and waiting for his mother and grandmother to die. They want Brown to break in and just scare the two women so they might sell the old mansion and give them some of the loot.

But then some hooded individual comes along and murders the two women and hides the bodies. A few more deaths follow before we learn the truth.

If it weren't for Sybil Danning's body and those two weapons of mass destruction she has interest would be minimal here. If that's your thing go for it.

They're Playing with Fire (1984)

* (out of 4)

Married college professor Diane Stevens (Sybil Danning) seduces her student Jay (Eric Brown) and then asks him to do a favor for her and her husband Michael (Andrew Prine). Before long the husband's rich mother and grandmother are dead and Jay feels that they set him up.

THEY'RE PLAYING FOR FIRE is one of those movies that you should start around one thirty in the morning. You know, just when you're starting to get tired but you want to watch something. This is without question one of the strangest movies I've seen from this era and especially since it really doesn't know what it wants to do. I became aware of the movie thanks to a review by Roger Ebert where he pretty much went off on the picture and it's easy to see why he would.

The film starts off like a teen sex comedy where the sexy teachers seduces the boy. We then get a couple really graphic murders and the film turns into a murder mystery. As the movie plays out there's a hooded killer going around killing people in some rather graphic ways so out of nowhere this film turns into a slasher and you'll be surprised at how much blood the film got pass the MPAA. This film really is all over the map in terms of what it's trying to do but those who enjoy horror films will want to count this one as a slasher.

The film is pretty darn bad but thankfully it's so weird and bizarre that you can't help but keep watching. Danning appears naked throughout 40% of the movie and that alone makes it worth watching. If you didn't see enough of her in HOWLING II: YOUR SISTER IS A WEREWOLF then you'll be happy to know that there's even more nudity here. Prine is good in his role as the husband but it's always nice seeing him. The real problem with the cast is Brown. He's just not all that interesting. I'm not sure if the director made him give this type of performance or what but it makes for a very shallow and very boring character. Just look at how nervous and awkward he appears to be during the sex scenes!

THEY'RE PLAYING WITH FIRE really is a lousy movie but it has enough nudity and enough blood to make it worth viewing.

Since her start in the late 1960's, Sybil Danning has been called upon to use her sensuality and statuesque physique to bail out many a "B" movie. No exception here, as the stunning Danning plays a college professor/seductress. The victim is gullible Eric Brown (who's acting abilities resemble those of a 4th grader). The highlight of this movie is the seduction of Brown by Danning in the yacht. Great camerawork and Danning's sensuality in her strip give a scorching rating to a scene that will be relived in the minds of red-blooded males. Her other sex scenes were Brown are equally erotic but that is as good as it gets with this movie. The plot is predictable and the suspense...well...is just not there. A must for all Danning fans though, so you can drool at the sensual charms of this erotic goddess who seems to have saved the face of many an aspiring "B" movie director with her presence.