Conan, el destructor

If you're looking for a deep, interesting and layered fantasy flick which makes sense and has an original story, go rent out the first Conan movie. Conan the Destroyer is pure Hollywood cheese, made because the Conan the Barbarian was such a hit. The studio execs made the story more light-hearted, with sidekicks and magic and the kind of story a thirteen-year-old could watch without getting in trouble.

Oddly enough, it works. While it's light years away from Robert E Howard's original Conan stories, Conan the Destroyer is still great fun, even twenty years after it was made. Arnold Schwarzenegger makes the most of the very silly lines he's given, Tracey Walter proves a capable if somewhat pointless comic foil, and the irony of casting Wilt Chamberlain as a protector of a young princess' virginity is hilarious.

Mako hams it up, Grace Jones takes it all too seriously and Olivia D'Abo makes for a good childlike princess because she was 16 when the film got made. The music's over-dramatic, the lines are laughable ("Some wizard you are! Go back to juggling apples!") and the story's cliché, but for Saturday night viewing, nothing beats Conan the Destroyer.

Possibly Interesting Trivia: This movie was produced by Raffaela De Laurentis, daughter of the famous Dino De Laurentis. She also produced the confusing big-budget epic "Dune". Both Dune and this movie flopped at the box office, and both were filmed in Mexico.

Oh, I can understand why "Conan the Destroyer" is the way it is. The original, classic "Conan the Barbarian" was a hit, but the Hollywood bigwigs decided they could get x-amount more money if they made a more family-friendly sequel, thereby opening the franchise to the lucrative kid's market (never mind that, for as long as there have been "restrictive" movie ratings, kids have known how to get to see the movies they want). Take out the sex, tone down the violence, crank up the humor, and... out comes this movie.

It's like "Destroyer" is stuck in a state of half-development. The basic storyline would be okay, but the script gives Conan a coterie of unneccessary sidekicks (as if Conan were not a strong enough character to carry a movie by himself). Grace Jones is interesting to look at but gets tiresome VERY fast; the cowardly sidekick gets more irritating by the second; Mako wears this expression like he's only in this one for the money. Olivia d'Abo is just plain miscast: it's like she's a marker that should read "Insert More Interesting Character in Second Draft." Arnold Schwarzenegger does a competent job as Conan, but we don't see the raw power and brute force of the first movie. There is a thin line between competence and complacency, between an actor and a star; it took Roger Moore six years to get to that point in the James Bond series, while Schwarzenegger reaches the same point with Conan in two.

I think part of the problem is whether or not the Conan concept is flexible enough to become family fare, and my answer is "no." Fans of Robert E. Howard's Conan work know his Cimmerian is a very rough-edged hero, a cunning, hard-drinking, hard-fighting man, and the first Conan movie captured that essence. To change him into the simple-minded do-gooder of "Conan the Destroyer" is to destroy what Conan is all about, and the movie suffers for it.

Is "Conan the Destroyer" worth watching? Yes. For someone who knows absolutely nothing about Conan, I suppose it can be a harmless sword-and-sorcery popcorn flick. For Conan fans, it's kind of like "Legend of the Lone Ranger" for Lone Ranger fans: an irresistible example of just how badly Hollywood can treat your favorite character.

I just hope that if there is ever another Conan movie (not likely, thanks to "Destroyer"), the producers will concentrate on following the style of "Conan the Barbarian" and just ignore this one.

Queen Taramis (Sarah Douglas) offers Conan the barbarian (Arnold Schwarzenegger) to bring back his love Valeria back from the dead. Conan and his sidekick Malak (Tracey Walter) is to escort Taramis' virgin niece Jehnna (Olivia d'Abo) to find a key and a jewel horn. Her bodyguard Bombaata (Wilt Chamberlain) accompanies them but Taramis tells him to double-cross Conan. On the way, Conan saves wizard Akiro (Mako) and Zula (Grace Jones) and they join the ragtag band of travelers.

It's sillier than the first movie. Its saving grace is that it's fun as long as you don't take it seriously. I think the dialog actually got more clunky. There is certainly nothing quite like this. Grace Jones looks crazy awesome. Mako and Tracey Walter are making jokes. Wilt Chamberlain is actually acting. At least he's not much worst than Arnie. Olivia d'Abo looks really pretty. This is one crazy group.

For fantasy-geeks like myself, this 1984 outing of the legendary swordsman is an interesting mix of highs and lows. The cinematography, costumes and settings are a high-point, remaining loyal to Frazetta's incredible illustrations.

Gone, unfortunately, is the first film's solid, adult screenplay. Howard's original, "Nietzschean" Conan is watered-down here, the director deciding to play for laughs (but Conan and his world just is'nt comedic).

Like the dialogue, the casting is sometimes hit and miss. Although Grace Jones (as the wild warrioress Zula) has been criticized as "over the top", she puts in a solid, believable performance. Sarah Douglas also shines as Queen Taramis, although we don't see enough of her! Arnie is adequate, as is Mako (who reprises his role here as a helpful wizard).

The film suffers most from poor special effects (an unforgivable crime for fantasy lovers)! It looks like they spent most of the budget on actors and settings, but even by 1980s standards, the monsters Conan faces were absurd.

Lessons were not learned, ending with the debacle of "Red Sonja" a year later. Arnie admitted that film to be "the worst he ever made". "Destroyer" amounts to harmless entertainment, lacking conviction, but watchable all the same.

While the original 'Conan the Barbarian' was more dramatic, the sequel is played more for laughs. Nonetheless, it is still a highly entertaining sword and sorcery fantasy flick. The music is again outstanding and carries the movie where the dialogue fails. Of particular note is Wilt Chamberlain's impressive performance as the immense Bombatta. He has a tremendous screen presence, more than just his stature (plus he had to do his own stunts!).

There are lots of memorable scenes throughout the movie. Not a cerebral film, just good old-fashioned fantasy!